0 out of 10

Release Date: 24th Of August 2012

Director: Paul Augunwela

Cast: Leigh Francis, Kelly Brook, Verne Troyer, Kevin Bishop, Laura Aikman, Harish Patel, Theo Barklem-Biggs, Nina Wadia and David Hasselhoff with Gary Barlow, Ferne Cotton, Holly Willoughby, Emma Bunton, Melanie Chisholm, Ronan Keating, Billy Ocean, Peter Andre and Jason Donovan

Writer: Leigh Francis


Whoa!  Now film fans definitely owe me one.  This is truly by some distance the worst British comedy I’ve seen at the cinema since Lesbian Vampire Killers (and even that had very very fleeting moments of humour). As I take no pleasure in destroying a home grown movie I’m going to try and keep this astonishingly brief.  I don’t know how many different ways you can say unfunny but by now you’ve got the message.  I’ll leave this review like a twinkling beacon in cyberspace so that passing film viewers will heed this as a warning to avoid this stinking pile of mirthless shite.  Hopefully they’ll not leave it too late like the crew of Alien‘s Nostromo.  The fate here is worse than any acid blood spitting Xenomorph can inflict. Trust!

Those familiar with Leigh Francis’ TV successes, Celebrity Juice and Bo Selecta will probably know what to expect but I think the said star who also wrote this, had to have been reserving all his jokes for his shows.  You can search and search but as long as you don’t find bodily fluids funny you go home un-tickled.  Some comedies generate a level of offensiveness to capture some extra kudos but alas the makers of Keith Lemon cannot even muster enough imagination to come up with anything approaching invention. The plot for what its worth sees a fake tanned Leeds business man travel to London to introduce his invention, the secure-pole (don’t ask). He stumbles upon fame and fortune via a ‘revolutionary’ phone device bequeathed him by a stranger (HARISH PATEL – ALL IN GOOD TIME) and a guardian angel known as The Fixer (VERNE TROYER – AUSTIN POWERS).  Kelly Brook (PIRAHNA 3D) repeatedly gets to defile hersef as Keith Lemon’s celebrity girlfriend.  Several TV celebrities turn up playing twisted riffs on themselves, probably hoping to jump start a film career.  Sadly this is another career dead end for the likes of the supremely like able David Hasselhoff (PIRAHNA 3DD), someone give this guy some decent comedy roles. Anyway thats essentially the story, not forgetting his old girlfriend back in Leeds getting kidnapped by Evil Steve played by Leigh Francis in a Paul Giamatti disguise.  I don’t think I was paying attention by then. I just wanted it all to end. But on it trundled.

It’s my job to express just how terrible this movie is so I will say please duck this unless you like to see people dowsed in stunt spunk, felatio on sausages or asparagus, mash potato sandwiches, stained underpants, all of which could have been used to inventive effect by more inventive comedians.  A prude I’m not. This is just comedy laziness and a waste of cinema space.  There are many more British movies straining to be seen!  I mean where was the well reviewed Cockney’s Vs. Zombies this week at the local cinemas?  AVOID! Let’s discourage this lazy way of getting bums on seats by expanding truly cack TV shows onto the big screen. Starting with this toxic elephant fart of a film.

0 out of 10 – Cinema Dog Sh*t – that’s as descriptive as I care to get.  You can even smell how bad it is. Rotten.



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