4.5 out of 10
Release Date: 17th May 2010 (DVD Premiere)
Director: Steve Lawson: (Dead Cert)
Cast: Roland Manookian, Craig Fairbrass, Billy Murray, Danny Dyer, Ian Virgo, Geoff Bell, Victoria Silvstedt, Sean Pertwee, Phil Davis, Trianna Terry, Lisa McAllister, Calum MacNab, Ciaran Griffiths, Alice Barry, Simon Phillips, Rita Ramnani with Frank Harper, Colin Salmon, Steven Berkoff and Rik Mayall
Writer: Phillip Barron and Ben Shallot
Trailer: JUST FOR THE RECORD
The DVD cover declares “They Made The Worst Film Of All Time… Let The Trial Begin!”. Coming from the same team that gave us Dead Cert, at least they’re sticking to what they know.Bad films! Documentary maker Andy Wiseman (an extra crap RIK MAYALL – THE LEGEND OF HARROW WOODS) decides to find out exactly what happened to the missing film of veteran actor Wilson Barnes (BILLY MURRAY – AIRBORNE). Set in a record shop, over pretentious, martial arts fanatic film director Harlan Noble (ROLAND MANOOKIAN – GBH in a rare leading role) is following up his debut Ninja Sharks (They’re Ninjas AND Sharks!!!). Producer Geoff Bell (ROUTE IRISH) would sooner hide out in the local strip joint, whilst executive producer (DANNY DYER – 7LIVES)secures finances from a local hard man called Mental Fists (CRAIG FAIRBRASS – GET LUCKY). Clashing egos, incoherent re-writes, pissed up stars, unhelpful shop staff are recalled by the incredulous cast and film crew. Steven Berkoff’s (DEAD CERT) DoP has been carted off to the loony bin and is reduced to ranting in a pink beret. At no point do we see the footage of the “Just For The Record” film-within-a-film which is a relief because it doesn’t sound “funny” funny. It sounds like a maze of continuity errors and weird creatures, the cast keep on referring to Space Monkeys(??). Replace Space Monkeys with the word Vampire and they could well be talking about the making of Dead Cert. Most of the laughs and there are a handful, come from Manookian’s take on Harlan Noble and his spiritual guru (SEAN PERTWEE – WILD BILL) who practice a martial art so secret that they are the only people who know it. Danny Dyer‘s supporting turn is very funny. His constant avoidance of straight answers keep the jokes on a roll. But the script just isn’t funny enough. Some of the performances are wildly over the top, namely Ian Virgo’s (RISE OF THE FOOTSOLDIER) script writer. His performance is straight out of a sixth former’s end of term revue. It has it’s merits but his orbit is stratospheric, he even makes Steven Berkoff’s scenery munching look anorexic.
So what we have here is a reasonably terrible movie about the making of a truly terrible movie. What can you say when the makers are clearly in on the joke? This is an improvement on Dead Cert (although research doesn’t reveal which came first) because at least it has quite a number of funny moments. But it’s got no style, thought or poise. It could’ve easily been directed by the fictional, Harlan and may be it was. Perhaps the final joke is on us! It perhaps goes down in the Guinness Book as the largest waste of talented actors in one place at the same time. I think Billy Murray, et al must be members of an anti-cinema cult. It’s the only explanation for this group of repeat offenders. “And they told me, I may never ride my unicycle ever again!” ArgggghhHHHH!
4.5 out of 10 – At least it was sporadically humourous. Everyone here is capable of better though, well maybe not Rik Mayall (see his Richard Driscoll collabs for proof).
SEE Matt Usher / Joe Pesci II’s counter review below. I think he enjoyed this one……!
WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN?
- Roland Manookian: Gunned Down, No Reason, GBH, Rise Of The Footsoldier, Piggy, Goodbye Charlie Bright, The Rise and Fall Of The White Collar Hooligan, Big Fat Gypsy Gangster, Dead Cert, Rock-N-Rolla, Grow Your Own, The Business, The Football Factory
- Craig Fairbrass: Breakdown (2015), Gunned Down, The Hooligan Factory, Vikingdom, Saving Santa (voice), Bula Quo!, Get Lucky, Deranged, St. George’s Day, Devil’s Playground, Freight, Dead Cert, The Shouting Men, The Bank Job, Rise Of The Foot Soldier, White Noise 2, Dark Days, Proteus, Beyond Bedlam, Cliffhanger, Eastenders (TV)
- Billy Murray: We Still Steal The Old Way, The Disappearance of Lenka Wood, What’s The Score?, Essex Boys Retribution, One In The Chamber, Rise and Fall Of a White Collar Hooligan, Airborne (2012), Strippers Vs. Werewolves, Stalker (2011), Freight, Devil’s Playground, Dead Cert, Just For The Record, Doghouse, Rise Of The Footsoldier, Rollin With The Nines, Hell To Pay, Eastenders (TV), Essex Boys, The Bill (TV), McVicar
- Danny Dyer: Vendetta 2, Eastenders (TV), Assassin (2015), Blood Shot, Vendetta (2014), Run For Your Wife, Lemon La Vida Loca (TV), Plebs (TV), Deviation, Freerunner, The Age Of Heroes, 7Lives, Basement, Pimp, Malice In Wonderland, Dead Man Running, Dead Cert, The Devil’s Playground,Jack Said, City Rats, Doghouse, Adulthood, Straightheads, Outlaw (2007), Severance, The Other Half, Borstal Boy, The Business, The Football Factory, Wasp (short), Mean Machine, High Heels and Low Lifes, Goodbye Charlie Bright, Greenfingers, The Trench, Human Traffic
- Ian Virgo: The 4th Reich, The Lighthouse (2015), The ABCs of Death 2, Essex Boys Retribution, Witchville, The Estate, Dead Cert, Clubbed, Rollin With The Nines, Rise Of The Footsoldier
- Geoff Bell: Suffragette, North v South, Kingsman – The Secret Service, Comedown, Comes a Bright Day, Storage 24, The Reeds, War Horse, Brighton Rock (2011), Big Fat Gypsy Gangster, Route Irish, Solomon Kane, Mercenaries, Wild Target (2010), The Heavy, Botched, Freebird, Love Me Still, Tormented, Green Street, The Business, Mean Machine
- Victoria Silvstedt: Boat Trip, Ivansxtc, BASEketball
- Sean Pertwee: Howl (2015), Gotham (TV), Alan Partridge-Alpha Papa, The Seasoning House, Jo (TV), The Magnificent Eleven, UFO (2013), St. George’s Day, Wild Bill (2012), Four, 4-3-2-1, Devil’s Playground, Dangerous Parking, Just For The Record, Botched, Wilderness, Doomsday, Mutant Chronicles, Goal, Goal II, Equilibrium, Dog Soldiers, The 51st State, Soldier, Love Honour & Obey, Cold Feet (TV), Event Horizon, Blue Juice, I.D, Shopping, Dirty Weekend, Leon The Pig Farmer
- Phil Davis: Paradise UK, Golden Years, Dough, Mr Holmes, Age of Kill, In The Blood (2015), Silk (TV), Whitechapel (TV), Being Human (TV), Borrowed Time, Fast Girls, Outside Bet, Brighton Rock (2011), Another Year, Dead Man Running, The Big I Am, Cassandra’s Dream, Notes On a Scandal, The Baby Juice Express, Vera Drake, Rose & Maloney (TV), Nicholas Nickleby (2002), Photographing Fairies, Crimetime, I.D. (dir), Blue Ice, Alien 3, High Hopes, The Bounty, Quadrophenia
- Lisa McAllister: Dead Cert, Devil’s Playground
- Calum MacNab: Comedown, Outside Bet, The Firm (2009)
- Ciaran Griffiths: The Bill (TV)
- Alice Barry: Shameless (TV)
- Simon Phillips: Dystopia (TV), No Easy Days (TV), The Disappearance of Lenka Wood, The Last Scout, He Who Dares 2, Meet The Firm – White Collar Hooligan 3, Shame The Devil, The Hooligan Wars, Dangerous Mind of a Hooligan, He Who Dares, Essex Boys Retribution, White Collar Hooligan 2, Fall of the Essex Boys, UFO (2013), The Rise and Fall Of a White Collar Hooligan, Strippers Vs. Werewolves, Airborne, The Reverend (2012), Ghosted, How to Stop Being a Loser, Kill Keith, Jack Says, Jack Said, Jack Falls, The Last Seven, Just For The Record, Stagger, Risen, Cut
- Rita Ramnani: The Last Scout, A Dark Reflection, He Who Dares, White Collar Hooligan 2, Rise and Fall Of a White Collar Hooligan, Strippers Vs. Werewolves, Airborne (2012), Jack Falls, Jack Said, Jack Says, How To Stop Being a Loser, The Last Seven, Just For The Record, Umbrage- The First Vampire
- Frank Harper: St George’s Day, Victim, Screwed (2011), Streetdance, Unarmed and Dangerous, Rise Of The Footsoldier, This Is England, The Football Factory, The Calcium Kid, Bend It Like Beckham, Club Du Monde, South West 9, Lucky Bright, Goodbye Charlie Bright, Shiner, Kevin & Perry Go Large, A Room For Romeo Brass, Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, TwentyFourSeven
- Steven Berkoff: Gunned Down, Rise of the Footsoldier 2, We Still Kill The Old Way, Red 2, GBH, 44 Inch Chest, Strippers Vs. Werewolves, The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (US), The Tourist, Big Fat Gypsy Gangster, The Big I Am, Beverly Hills Cop, Fair Game, Decadence, The Krays, Steal, McVicar, Barry Lyndon, Dead Cert, Rancid Aluminium
- Colin Salmon: Meet Pursuit Delange, London Has Fallen, Resident Evil 5, Shank, Exam, Stalker (2011), Devil’s Playground, How To Stop Being a Loser, Clubbed, Blood – The Last Vampire, Punisher – War Zone, The Bank Job, Match Point, Resident Evil, Alien Vs. Predator, James Bond: The World Is Not Enough, James Bond – Tomorrow Never Dies, James Bond – Die Another Day, My Kingdom, Fanny and Elvis, The Wisdom Of Crocodiles, Captives
- Rik Mayall: One By One, Man Down (TV), Highway To Hell (2012), The Legend Of Harrow Woods, Churchill The Hollywood Years, Guest House Paradiso, The Comic Strip (TV), Bottom (TV), The New Statesman (TV), The Young Ones (TV), Bring Me The Head Of Mavis Davis, Remember Me? (1997), Carry On Columbus, Drop Dead Fred, An American Werewolf In London