4 out of 10

Release Date: 9th November 2012

Director: Andy De Emmony: (West Is West)

Cast: Ed Speleers, Jessica Szohr, Luke Pasqualino, Robert Pugh, Daniel Kendrick, Robin Morrissey, Eloise Smyth with Kierston Wareing and Timothy Spall

Writer: Ronan Blaney & Chris Cole

Trailer: LOVE BITE

Lolloping into UK cinemas like a giant dopey dog that’s going to lick you death is Love Bite.  It’s perhaps the dopiest comedy I’m yet to see. It does have it’s merits but how on earth something this goofy ever got made is a mystery to me.  Given that this is out the week before the final instalment of the Twilight Saga, that could have something to do with it.  I hate Twilight, I know what I’d sooner watch.  This! Four cretinous virgins get targeted by a werewolf in their fictional Scottish coastal town of Rainmouth. That’s about it.  The plot throws in the arrival of a sexy stranger (JESSICA SZOHR – PIRAHNA 3D) who may just be hairier than she’s letting on.  Leading from the front, reluctantly is acting 2×4 plank, Ed Speleers (ERAGON) (who does this kind of blank role well), who lives with his mad mum (KIERSTON WAREING – BASEMENT) in the town B&B. Along with his three pals, they are desperate to loose their collective virginity, now that a werewolf is on the scene they become more desperate then ever. A sex mad Eloise Smyth is on the prowl and she makes death by werewolf preferrable.  So there’s double the threat for our hapless donuts.  Timothy Spall (HEARTLESS) pops up as a werewolf hunter.  He effortlessly steals the show by mugging fearlessly and ramping up the hammy mysteriousness of his presence.  Cocked eyebrows and furtive movements are all on his checklist. He owns the film’s funniest scenes and dialogue, no question.

Love Bite’s closest American equivalents are probably Porkies or Meatballs. Love Bite doesn’t quite match either in the energy scales but it does earn some good will from just delivering on all fronts as a dopey genre flick.  The acting is good in general, standouts are Timothy Spall obviously and Robert Pugh (THE MAN WHO WENT UP A HILL BUT CAME DOWN A MOUNTAIN) as the local head of Police. Daniel Kendrick (OFFENDER) is the stand out from the group of friends.  He has a good face for playing oily perverts and delivers a good spotty w*nker here.  The special effects are sparing but effective. There are no really bad make up effects here for the monster unlike the creatures in Strippers Vs. Werewolves (that was the worst ever LOL). The creature in Love Bite is  largely kept in the gloom.  Characters are dragged into the bushes or or from over a wall so quickly all you see is a bit of fur and teeth, so the big bad isn’t over exposed.  The lack of budget isn’t really betrayed until one of the closing shots, which may go down as one of the wantonly stupid in the history of horror comedies.

4 out of 10 – It’s no Shaun Of The Dead but it’s got enough energy and stupidity to get it through. Definitely not a film for people with brains.


  • Ed Speleers: Remainder, Alice In Wonderland 2, Howl (2015), Wolf Hall (TV), Downton Abbey (TV), Plastic, A Lonely Place To Die, Witchville, Eragon
  • Jessica Szohzr: Gossip Girl (TV), Tower Heist, Pirahna 3D
  • Luke Pasqualino: The Apparition, The Borgias (TV), Skins (TV)
  • Robert Pugh:  Hunky Dory, West Is West, The Ghost, Robin Hood (2010), Kinky Boots, Master and Commander – Far Side Of The World, Enigma, The Tichborne Claimant, Different For Girls, The Near Room, Priest (1994), The Englishman Who Went Up a Hill But Came Down a Mountain, Casualty (TV), Brookside (TV)
  • Daniel Kendrick: Offender
  • Kierston Wareing: The Last Photograph, A Hundred Streets, The Liability, Fall Of The Essex Boys, Eastenders (TV), Twenty8KThe Holding, Four,  Bonded By BloodBasement, Fish Tank, Rise Of The Footsoldier
  • Timothy Spall: Away, Mr Turner, The Love Punch, The Rise, Ginger & Rosa, Comes a Bright Day, Harry Potter- parts 3, 5, 7,8, Wake Wood, The King’s Speech, Reuniting The Rubins, Jackboots On Whitehall (voice), Alice In Wonderland (2010) (voice), Heartless, Apaloosa, Sweeney Todd, Death Defying Acts, Pierrepoint, Lemony Snicket, The Last Samurai, Nicholas Nickleby (2002), All Or Nothing, Vanilla Sky, Rock Star, Lucky Break, Intimacy, Chicken Run (voice), Love’s Labours Lost, The Clandestine Marriage, Topsy Turvy, The Wisdom Of Crocodiles, Still Crazy, Hamlet (1996), Secrets and Lies, Frank Stubbs (TV), Life Is Sweet, The Sheltering Sky, White Hunter Black Heart, Auf Wierdesen Pet! (TV), To Kill a Priest, Gothic, The Missionary,Quadrophenia

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