0.5 out of 10
Release Date: 19th August 2010
Director: Asham Kamboj
Cast: Danny Dyer, Kierston Wareing, Jimi Mistry, Emily Beecham, Soraya Radford with Lois Winstone and Chris Ellison
Writer: Ewen Glass
I was hoping this was going to be similar to Severance, but from the moment I saw a sped up dog running around a bush for supposedly horror-tastic effect I knew I was in trouble. Now I hate to kick a man when he’s down, but every time I think I’ve seen Danny Dyer’s (DEVIATION) worst film I come across one that makes the last one look like a Coen Brothers film (= brilliant!) First I saw 7Lives and I was agog, then out came Deviation which was his worst by a long chalk, but now I unearth this incomprehensible, amateurish and very boring horror flick, Basement. It certainly is rock bottom for all concerned. If Danny Dyer is capable of turning up in a worse film, he deserves an award of some kind. He’s going to places DVD dustbin heroes like Christopher Lambert or Wesley Snipes would never ever dare to go. Maybe I’m watching his movies in an order of quality or lack of. But Basement is so oh oh ohhhhh bad you’ll wish you could un-watch it. At an hour and ten minutes it’s also the shortest feature film to have a cinema release I know of. I was grateful that it was this short but it still felt like a movie three times the length.
The plot is a mess. Five student activists stop in a forest for a wee and discover an underground bunker. Not a basement! They climb down the ladder to find that they are locked into a labyrinth of dank corridors with walls that seem to secrete sh*t and blood. What’s more is that they are being stalked. The reasons why they are being stalked are hilariously convoluted and it was hard not to laugh with derision at the ending. Actually, I did laugh hard at the TV screen. Only Kierston Wareing (LOVE BITE) puts in a good performance, but the plot and script betrays everyones every move. The struggling five trip up, twist ankles, suffer deep wounds, black out only to be running around without a care in the world a few seconds or minutes later. Characters get bloody or get poo on themselves only to be playing with their hair or necklaces in the very next shot. There is zero care taken to establish any of the characters. Some helpful flashbacks at the end to re-cap on parts of the twist we may have missed replay an actor over-emphasising three key words to jaw droppingly dumb effect. Oh my god. The reasoning behind the whole set up is ill thought out and very poorly executed. All of the cast, Dyer included, are capable of so much better and have proved so. But these are career worsts for all concerned. Lucky old Lois Winstone (FATHERS OF GIRLS) gets to sit the majority of it out. A nice paycheck and some wise words from her Dad probably saved her bacon. Besides the sped up dog I have to point up that the only part to get the emotions flowing are when Jimi Mistry (BLOOD DIAMOND) gets kicked in the balls. It’s an acting masterclass of hilarity. Someone should youtube this bit alone to save anyone seeing the rest of Basement.
0.5 out of 10 – Basement is quite easily the worst UK horror movie (with name actors in) that you’ll ever see. Yes, I am including Dead Cert and The Reverend. I wasn’t sure it could be done but here it is. I wish I’d been warned off but now that I’ve seen it for the greater good, please take my advice. Avoid, like any normal person would if they found a ladder going down into a dark hole in the middle of a forest. Cinematic Savile.
READ JOE PESCI II’s counter review below —> A contender to oust Plan 9 From Outer Space as worst film ever made? Surely not!
WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT PERSON IN BEFORE?
- Danny Dyer: Vendetta 2, Eastenders (TV), Assassin (2015), Bloodshot, The Hooligan Factory, Vendetta, Run For Your Wife, Lemon La Vida Loca (TV), Plebs (TV), Deviation, Freerunner, The Age Of Heroes, 7Lives, The Last Seven, Dead Cert, The Devil’s Playground, Malice In Wonderland, Pimp, Just For The Record, Dead Man Running, Jack Said, Doghouse, City Rats, Adulthood, Straightheads, Outlaw (2007), Severance, The Other Half, The Business, The Football Factory, Wasp (short), Borstal Boy, Mean Machine, High Heels and Low Lifes, Goodbye Charlie Bright, Greenfingers, The Trench, Human Traffic
- Jimi Mistry: Coronation Street (TV), The Arbor, West Is West, It’s a Wonderful Afterlife, Exam, 2012, Blood Diamond, My Kingdom, Eastenders (TV), The Guru, Rock-n-Rolla, Born Romantic, East Is East
- Kierston Wareing: Eastenders (TV), The Liability, Fall Of The Essex Boys, Love Bite, Twenty8K, Bonded By Blood, The Holding, Four, Fish Tank, Rise Of The Footsoldier
- Emily Beecham: 28 Weeks Later, Rise Of The Footsoldier
- Soraya Radford: The Infidel
- Lois Winstone: Traveller, The Hot Potato, Fathers Of Girls, Beyond The Rave (TV)
- Chris Ellison: Tango One, We Still Steal The Old Way, Bonded By Blood 2, Mob Handed, We Still Kill The Old Way, Bonded By Blood, The Bill (TV), Buster