1.5 out of 10
Release Date: DVD premiere 2010
Director: Stuart St Paul (Bula Quo!)
Cast: Billy Murray, Craig Fairbrass, Danny Midwinter, Sam Kennard, Laura Aikman, Luke Aikman, Zslot Nagy, Stephen Uppal, Natalie Anderson, Jean Heard, Matt Kennard, Joe Egan with Michael McKell and Andrew Tiernan
Writer: Stuart St Paul
Freight is the result of what happens when stupid people get half an idea in their heads yet fail to do any homework. The writer and director, Stuart St Paul is the idiot at the centre of this debacle. What can best be described as a ‘racist event movie’, Freight concerns some ‘good old’ British gangsters facing up to some despicable Russian gangsters who specialise in human trafficking. The goodies, who we’re meant to be rooting for because they run a community boxing gym, are now legit because they supply portaloos to the great and good. When the head of the family, Abe (BILLY MURRAY – STALKER) tangles with Russian gangsters over a stolen toilet, events escalate and Abe’s daughter (LAURA AIKMAN – KEITH LEMON) get’s kidnapped and put into bondage by the bad guy, Cristy (DANNY MIDWINTER – INTERVIEW WITH A HITMAN). What follows are a string of inert and messy scenes where the good guys endlessly drive around in a bunch of beat up 4x4s (looking like a mockney Wacky Races)from place to place looking for the bad guys. There are cage fights and sub-plots involving enslaved boxers, strippers and Abe’s three sons. Craig Fairbrass (GET LUCKY) muscles in as Abe’s number two, who says things like “the next 48 hours are crucial in a kidnapping” like he know’s what he’s talking about. Stakes are raised and a ‘tit-with-tit’ war stitched to the front of a badly acted and plotted issues film that trundles on…and on.
Freight is nothing more than an exploitation movie, and one that celebrates the fact that the UK should be the domain of reliable, cuddly British criminals and not dirty foreign ones who don’t care for the laws of our nation. I’m not belly aching for an equal opportunity gangster movie but it’s a ridiculous movie with bad ideas and no discernible thought or research beyond reading headlines torn from last week’s Sun Newspaper. At one point the comedy Asian son-in-law, Zaf (STEPHEN UPPALL – HOLLYOAKS) (all he’s missing is a squint – he’s got a funny voice though) is questioned about the bombing at the gym because his family don’t want him involved with a white family. “Did your lot do this?”, “No, they might hate you but they don’t make bombs”. Such is the script. It wouldn’t be that Zaf’s family don’t like scumbag criminals could it, no they have to be racists because they don’t like your ‘honest to god cor blimey London gangster’ just like every other foreigner or traveller in the movie.
The acting is chronic and the direction is sloppy. The only half decent aspects in the film are the car crashes and the cage fights. Other than that Freight is a very, very long and hard slog. Andrew Tiernan (WAR OF THE DEAD) regails us with another terrible accent, this time its a Russian one. Danny Midwinter seems to have drank a bottle of hot sauce before each take as his take on lead big bad is explosive but out of kilter with Billy Murray’s standard cruise control job and Craig Fairbrass‘s redundant posturing. By the time we roll around to the climatic fight between Fairbrass and Cristy’s last standing henchman, Emil (JOE EGAN – STRIPPERS VS.WEREWOLVES) we’re past caring whether the sex slaves or Billy Murray‘s daughter are OK are not. There are some really unwelcome hints that a sequel could be considered too. If there is I’m moving to Romania.
1.5 out of 10 – Unspeakably bad in all departments. Terrible plot, terrible acting, racist plot and ideas, no research and on top of that it’s very boring. The worst Billy Murray movie in some time. Avoid like the sex trade.
WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT PERSON IN BEFORE?
- Billy Murray: Essex Boys Retribution, One In The Chamber, Rise and Fall Of a White Collar Hooligan, Airborne (2012), Strippers Vs. Werewolves, How To Stop Being a Loser, Stalker (2011), Dead Cert, Just For The Record, Doghouse, Rise Of The Footsoldier, Rollin With The Nines, Essex Boys, Eastenders (TV), The Bill (TV), McVicar
- Craig Fairbrass: The Hooligan Factory, The Outsider, Vikingdom, Saving Santa (voice), Bula Quo!, Get Lucky, St. George’s Day, Devil’s Playground, Dead Cert, Just For The Record, The Bank Job, Rise Of The Foot Soldier, White Noise 2, Dark Days, Beyond Bedlam, Cliffhanger, Eastenders (TV)
- Danny Midwinter: It’s a Lot, The Magnificent Eleven, Interview With a Hitman, Dead Cert
- Stephen Uppal: Hollyoaks (TV)
- Natalie Anderson: Emmerdale (TV), The Royal (TV)
- Luke Aikman: Fever Pitch
- Matt Kennard: Bula Quo!, Doctors (TV)
- Jean Heard: Bula Quo!
- Joe Egan: I Am Soldier, Lords of London, The Magnificent Eleven, Strippers Vs. Werewolves, Killer Bitch
- Laura Aikman: Bula Quo!, Keith Lemon, Lemon La Vida Loca (TV), Casualty (TV)
- Michael McKell: Outpost 3, Emmerdale (TV), Doctors (TV), Essex Boys
- Andrew Tiernan: 300 – part 2, War Of The Dead, Mr Nice, Dead Cert, 300, The Pianist, The Bunker, Face, The Trial (1993), Edward II, As You Like It (1992)