2.5 out of 10

Release Date: 13th May 2013 (DVD Premiere)

Director: Jeremy Wooding (Blood Moon / Bollywood Queen)

Cast: Keith Allen, Sean Pertwee, Gary Mavers, Phillip Rhys, Jenna Harrison and Robert Vaughn with Robert Fucilla, Jay Simpson, Sudha Bhuchar, Kriss Dosanjh, Danny Midwinter, Kevin Howarth, Ryan Hawley, Joe Egan, Neet Mohan, Joseph Millson, Gary Lineker and Paul Barber

Writer: Irvine Welsh / John Adams & Pete Adams




The Magnificent Eleven is as lacklustre as they come I’m afraid. Based on an Irvine Welsh story, which he must have written during a toilet break.  Inspiration was probably sought from those big brown things he flushed away.  This is an unfortunate mish-mash of elements from The Full Monty and the ancient but still amazing Magnificent Seven, which must have about 300 pastiches in existence already.  Even Robert Vaughn (BULLITT) from said movie is wheeled on as the black hat.  Actually, most of the cast would have benefitted from being wheeled from one sleepy scene to the next and they just come across like they’re all a bit cold and bored whilst waiting for the next low budget project to roll in. Whilst it’s always nice to see Sean Pertwee (ALAN PARTRIDGE MOVIE) and Keith Allen (THE COMIC STRIP) hang around for longer than a cameo, they add little to their cardboard cut out leads. Much of the blame has to be dropped on the most unenthusiastic scouser I’ve ever seen, Gary Mavers (PEAK PRACTICE) who plods through this film like a youngster chasing cold cauliflower around a plate with his fork.  It’s almost like he’s looking at the audience asking to be excused. ‘Can I go ‘ome yerr?”

The sorry storyline sees a Sunday league football team come to the end of a season without scoring a single goal. The team are mainly made up of middle aged and jobless men who are only half-gutted that they cannot afford to continue as a club.  A night out leads the team to an Indian take-away that end up sponsoring the team for another season.  Little do they know, the restaurant is under threat from the local bad guy, American Bob (ROBERT VAUGHN) for being behind on their protection money payments.  What ensues is a riff on the plot from the original Magnificent Seven movie.  There are also about nine other plots which do very little to entertain involving the racist Keith Allen‘s character’s daughter (JENNA HARRISON – GBH) and her new job, an bunch of Indian builders undercutting Keith Allen‘s company, Sean Pertwee shagging every girl he looks at, Danny Midwinter‘s (INTERVIEW WITH A HITMAN) quest for a team mascot and Gary Mavers moping around as an Indian waiter. Most of which are left blowing in the wind.

The cast needed a bloody good shake, everything about this film is sluggish and its as if nobody on board seems at all committed. Its all presented with a sigh and a shrug.  The only two cast members I’ll single out in a postive way are Paul Barber (THE LONG GOOD FRIDAY) (who wasn’t even given a name for his character) who has a bit of fun as the team coach, and Robert Fucilla (THE BIG I AM) pops up in a role that’s more his cup of tea than in previous roles.  Now, I think it’s MEGA unlikely that Mr. Fucilla reads Britpic, but we did suggest he’d be better taking easier roles further down the totem pole to hone his talents and in Magnificent Eleven he’s done just that and he seems as happy as larry as a consequence.  Shame he picked this film to turn over a new leaf.

So, I ask you, is this the state of the British film industry, that very talented actors are lining up to act in such lame material. Is the entertainment industry so out of touch with what actually entertains? On this evidence, I think they’re long estranged from the ideal. At least the makers and actors in this film are.

A sports movie with the same energy levels as a punctured football crossed with a dead rapper.  As a comedy it’s a total methodone suppository.  Shove the DVD up your bum it’ll be more fun, I’ve just done it and it was. And I didn’t even mention the Gary Lineker cameo as a tomato. OK, that did raise a smirk from the dead.



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