2.5 out of 10
Release Date: 13th May 2013 (DVD Premiere)
Director: Jeremy Wooding (Blood Moon / Bollywood Queen)
Cast: Keith Allen, Sean Pertwee, Gary Mavers, Phillip Rhys, Jenna Harrison and Robert Vaughn with Robert Fucilla, Jay Simpson, Sudha Bhuchar, Kriss Dosanjh, Danny Midwinter, Kevin Howarth, Ryan Hawley, Joe Egan, Neet Mohan, Joseph Millson, Gary Lineker and Paul Barber
Writer: Irvine Welsh / John Adams & Pete Adams
Trailer: THE MAGNIFICENT ELEVEN
The Magnificent Eleven is as lacklustre as they come I’m afraid. Based on an Irvine Welsh story, which he must have written during a toilet break. Inspiration was probably sought from those big brown things he flushed away. This is an unfortunate mish-mash of elements from The Full Monty and the ancient but still amazing Magnificent Seven, which must have about 300 pastiches in existence already. Even Robert Vaughn (BULLITT) from said movie is wheeled on as the black hat. Actually, most of the cast would have benefitted from being wheeled from one sleepy scene to the next and they just come across like they’re all a bit cold and bored whilst waiting for the next low budget project to roll in. Whilst it’s always nice to see Sean Pertwee (ALAN PARTRIDGE MOVIE) and Keith Allen (THE COMIC STRIP) hang around for longer than a cameo, they add little to their cardboard cut out leads. Much of the blame has to be dropped on the most unenthusiastic scouser I’ve ever seen, Gary Mavers (PEAK PRACTICE) who plods through this film like a youngster chasing cold cauliflower around a plate with his fork. It’s almost like he’s looking at the audience asking to be excused. ‘Can I go ‘ome yerr?”
The sorry storyline sees a Sunday league football team come to the end of a season without scoring a single goal. The team are mainly made up of middle aged and jobless men who are only half-gutted that they cannot afford to continue as a club. A night out leads the team to an Indian take-away that end up sponsoring the team for another season. Little do they know, the restaurant is under threat from the local bad guy, American Bob (ROBERT VAUGHN) for being behind on their protection money payments. What ensues is a riff on the plot from the original Magnificent Seven movie. There are also about nine other plots which do very little to entertain involving the racist Keith Allen‘s character’s daughter (JENNA HARRISON – GBH) and her new job, an bunch of Indian builders undercutting Keith Allen‘s company, Sean Pertwee shagging every girl he looks at, Danny Midwinter‘s (INTERVIEW WITH A HITMAN) quest for a team mascot and Gary Mavers moping around as an Indian waiter. Most of which are left blowing in the wind.
The cast needed a bloody good shake, everything about this film is sluggish and its as if nobody on board seems at all committed. Its all presented with a sigh and a shrug. The only two cast members I’ll single out in a postive way are Paul Barber (THE LONG GOOD FRIDAY) (who wasn’t even given a name for his character) who has a bit of fun as the team coach, and Robert Fucilla (THE BIG I AM) pops up in a role that’s more his cup of tea than in previous roles. Now, I think it’s MEGA unlikely that Mr. Fucilla reads Britpic, but we did suggest he’d be better taking easier roles further down the totem pole to hone his talents and in Magnificent Eleven he’s done just that and he seems as happy as larry as a consequence. Shame he picked this film to turn over a new leaf.
So, I ask you, is this the state of the British film industry, that very talented actors are lining up to act in such lame material. Is the entertainment industry so out of touch with what actually entertains? On this evidence, I think they’re long estranged from the ideal. At least the makers and actors in this film are.
A sports movie with the same energy levels as a punctured football crossed with a dead rapper. As a comedy it’s a total methodone suppository. Shove the DVD up your bum it’ll be more fun, I’ve just done it and it was. And I didn’t even mention the Gary Lineker cameo as a tomato. OK, that did raise a smirk from the dead.
WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?
- Keith Allen: Hector, North V South, Blood Shot, The Last Showing, Vinyl, Come On Eileen, The Good Night, De-Lovely, 24 Hour Party People, The Others, Rancid Aluminium, Preaching To The Perverted, Twin Town, Trainspotting, Loch Ness, Blue Juice, Shallow Grave, Second Best, Captives, Beyond Bedlam, The Young Americans. The Comic Strip (TV), Carry On Columbus, Rebecca’s Daughters, Kafka, Making Out (TV), Chicago Joe & The Showgirl, Scandal, The Supergrass
- Sean Pertwee: Howl (2015), Gotham (TV), Alan Partridge- Alpha Papa, The Seasoning House, Jo (TV), UFO (2013), St. George’s Day, Wild Bill (2012), Four, 4-3-2-1, Devil’s Playground, Just For The Record, Botched, Dangerous Parking, Doomsday, Mutant Chronicles, Goal, Goal II, Equilibrium, Dog Soldiers, The 51st State, Soldier, Love Honour & Obey, Cold Feet (TV), Event Horizon, Blue Juice, I.D, Shopping, Dirty Weekend, Leon The Pig Farmer
- Gary Mavers: Dead of the Nite, Viking – the Darkest Day, Victim, Devil’s Bridge, SNUB!, Dead Man’s Cards, Peak Practice (TV), Casualty (TV), Blonde Fist
- Phillip Rhys: 24 (TV)
- Jenna Harrison: GBH
- Robert Vaughn: Coronation St (TV), Hustle (TV), Pootie Tang, BASEketball, C.H.U.D. 2, The A-Team (TV), Superman 3, Battle Beyond The Stars, The Towering Inferno, Bullitt, The Man From U.N.C.L.E. (TV), The Magnificent Seven
- Robert Fucilla: The Contract (2016), Mercenaries, Bonded By Blood, Pimp, The Big I Am, Shank
- Jay Simpson: Rearview, The Guvnors, Wild Bill (2012), Shifty, Hush Your Mouth, Beautiful People
- Sudha Bhuchar: Stella (TV), Doctors (TV), Casualty (TV), Eastenders (TV)
- Kriss Dosanjh: This Is England ’90 (TV)Doctors (TV), This Is England 88 (TV), This Is England 86 (TV), This Is England
- Danny Midwinter: Fall of the Krays, Rise of the Krays, It’s a Lot, Interview With a Hitman, Freight, Dead Cert
- Kevin Howarth: Gallowwalkers, The Seasoning House, Summer Scars, Cold and Dark, The Last Horror Movie, Razorblade Smile
- Ryan Hawley: The Dyatlov Incident
- Joe Egan: I Am Soldier, Lords of London, Strippers Vs. Werewolves, Freight, Killer Bitch
- Neet Mohan: Desert Dancer, Trishna, All In Good Time, Everywhere + Nowhere
- Joseph Millson: The Chameleon, Banished (TV), The Dead 2 – India, Dead of the Nite, Devil’s Bridge, SNUB!
- Gary Lineker: Marvellous
- Paul Barber: One Night In Istanbul, Dead Man’s Cards, The Virgin Of Liverpool, The 51st State, The Full Monty, Brookside (TV), Priest (1994), Only Fools and Horse (TV), Chancer (TV), The Brothers McGregor (TV), The Terence Davies Trilogy, The Long Good Friday