STAG NIGHT OF THE DEAD

0.5 out of 10

Release Date: 31st October 2010 (DVD Premiere)

Director: Neil Jones (The Age of Kill / Deranged / The Reverend (2012) / Risen)

Cast: Sebastian Street, Sophie Lovell Anderson, Bruce Lawrence, Rez Kempton, James G Fain, Joe Rainbow, Doug Grant,  Jeff Rudom and Brian Wheeler

Writer: Neil Jones

Trailer: STAG NIGHT OF THE DEAD

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Looking for the unfunniest, unscariest and possibly worst zombie film ever to get a commercial release? Then look no further than Stag Night of the Dead. It’s so terrible I don’t even think the makers even understand zombie lore. We have zombies that fall in love and give blow jobs to the living for instance. And even Zombies that talk! Anyway, this is notorious Welsh film director Neil Jones‘ debut feature and he’s gone on to improve his skills moderately with three a further full length feature movies.  He’s still yet to make anything approaching industry standard, but his latest feature on release, Deranged, is a master piece compared to this.

Groom-to-be Sebastian Street (AIRBORNE) gets taken to an army air base by a bunch of stags and a stripper to play a version of paintball where  the targets are zombies. What the idiots don’t realise is that their protectors have been overrun and the undead soon break out and pick off our heroes one by one. Will they be able to contain the mess or will the zombies once again munch the earth.

And so a succession of chases begins – with no signs of lustre or energy. Comedy and wit are the first casualties mainly because of a bad jokeless script and a moronic and unfunny character called DJ Ronnie (JOE RAINBOW) who thinks one of the zombies is ‘well-fit’ , so he chats her up, has his c*ck sucked then eaten, and then gets to lead the zombies after becoming one. For convenience DJ Ronnie even retains the ability to speak – unlike all the other creatures. I suppose I asked for it, selecting a film such as Stag Night of the Dead for my viewing pleasure but I had no idea it would be this shit. It has nothing, absolutely nothing going for it except that possibly just possibly some of the actors are vaguely committed and competent. But that praise is feint. There was one good sight-gag and that’s at the end of the trailer so save yourself 90 minutes.

0.5 out of 10 – The biggest horror-comedy turd in the zombie cycle I’ve found yet. But most people could have told themselves that from the title. At least the director, Neil Jones has moved on to slightly better movies and is learning slowly. Deadly but not in a good way. As tasty as a bowl of putrefying zombie testicles in cold prawn custard – with onion flakes.

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

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