1.5 out of 10

UK/Hungary Co-Production

Release Date: 12th November 2013 (DVD Premiere)

Director: Robert Koltai

Cast: Michael Madsen, Vinnie Jones, Jamelia Davis, Gyozo Szabo, Csaba Pindroch,  Robert Koltai, Ferenc Hujber, Sandor Nagy, Katya Tompos and Tamer Hassan

Writer: Robert Koltai



Diamond Heist is a co-production between the UK and Hungary. Now, it may just be that Hungarian humour does not travel. The only other explanation for this very unfunny comedy disguised as a heist movie’s existence is that the Hungarian makers thought they could make the English laugh.  This piss weak gangster caper isn’t even a heist movie and the first person to even so much as mention a diamond appears about 1.25hrs in. The poster / DVD cover has clearly been  designed by people that have never seen it, as the leading actor Michael Madsen’s face and name is missing off the sleeve , there are pictures of Tamer Hassan (THE BUSINESS) waving a gun around and Vinnie Jones is seen walking away from a massive fireball. All of these selling points on the box are misleading. For starters – the second billed  Tamer Hassan has about three lines, opens a few doors for Michael Madsen and then appears in his remaining scenes in drag.  Vinnie Jones has a toy gun and the only fire we see is emitted from his cigarette lighter. Michael Madsen’s performance is as lazy as it is abysmal. His whole performance looks like its been cobbled together from about 100 takes. To the plot – which is pretty incomprehensible.

Two losers (Gyozo Szabo and Csaba Pindroch) get embroiled in a plot to steal some diamonds. The two losers are on the run from Varga (VINNIE JONES – ESCAPE PLAN) after they witness him murder his accountant. After some convolution they find themselves landing the job as unlikely strippers at diamond fence, Terence Anderson’s  (MICHAEL MADSEN – THE BIG I AM) 50th birthday in London. Throw in a vengeful courier, played by popstar Jamelia and the real strippers and you have a clunky very unfunny farce.

Vinnie Jones can be very good with the right direction, I was going to say the right role but he only ever plays thugs.  He proved he was ok in the recent Escape Plan and the shit Bruce Willis vehicle Fire With Fire. But he’s keeping bad company with his mucker of about 6 films – Michael Madsen – who is a shadow of his former self. Madsen used to be able to elevate mediocre Hollywood fare like Species or Mullholland Falls but the one time Quentin Tarantino fave is a by-word for has-been. How many more Russian Mafia funded bollocks films are going to be cluttering our supermarket shelves for the next few years (most of them starring Madsen)?  It’s a bad sign when you get  left off the front of the cover of your own movie. Things really are that bad for Madsen.  Director Robert Koltai has a list of directorial credits longer than any others I’ve ever seen so it’s a shock that somebody so experienced has submitted a film with all the precision and grace of a bad corporate video. It probably has a higher budget than most films that appear on Britpic but it’s all been wasted. I don’t know if I’ve seen a Hungarian movie before besides this but if this is the first, it may well be the last.

A new low for all involved and probably not the best introduction to Hungarian cinema. As a UK co-production so terrible it’s in danger of destroying inter-country relations forever.

1.5 out of 10 – A DOA turd. Worst film for all concerned. But still not Basement bad. Cinematic equivalent of having your balls/tits sandpapered.

Hilarious review below by Joe Pesci II aka Moff Usherwicz



One thought on “DIAMOND HEIST aka MAGIC BOYS

  1. DIAMOND HEIST – review by Joe Pesci II aka Moff Usher

    Michael Madsen plays a diamond-smuggling ex-stripper who accidentally hires two Hungarian comedy losers as dancers for his 50th birthday party. That’s the real premise of this decidedly odd film. Or, if you were to put a different spin on it, for example if you were trying to sell it in the lads’ market: Vinnie Jones stars as a ruthless smuggler who will stop at nothing, does a deadly deal with a sexy pilot (who has vengeance on her mind), and stares down Michael Madsen in a vicious game of deadly cat and mouse. With Hungarian male strippers.

    Let’s make this crystal clear: DIAMOND HEIST is very bad, whichever way you look at it. What I do love about it though is its sheer effrontery. Here it is, pretending to be the sort of gangster thriller which has hard men like Madsen and Jones snarling about and killing people and arguing about money and respect, when in fact it’s an amiable Hungarian comedy about two losers down on their luck who find themselves in London. Working as male strippers. No doubt many a lad (does ‘the lad’ as depicted in Men Behaving Badly still exist?) will have chosen this as a perfect post-pub film, expecting gangsters and blood and shooting and respect and strippers of a different gender. They will have been sorely disappointed. But be warned, even those expecting an amiable Hungarian comedy will be disappointed, because as well as being a bad gangster thriller, it’s a terrible comedy as well. The film gets so desperate it even puts Tamer Hassan in drag (which is fun). That’s a sentence I never expected to write, and it’s something I never expected to see, but it’s probably the highlight of the film.

    But this is a film which delights in the unexpected. Who would ever have cast Michael Madsen as an ex-Chippendale? (There’s even a photograph of him in his glory days.) And what insane director would cast an Ed Miliband lookalike as a male stripper? The answer appears to be Robert Koltai, who also acts in the film (as some sort of fixer). He looks like quite a normal old bloke, yet he has somehow produced a deeply odd film which will do Britain’s relationship with the EU very little good.

    The real stars of the film are a couple of Hungarians, Csaba Pindroch (the deadpan slightly sensible one) and Gyozo Szabo (the clumsy one, looking like Eddie Izzard), who, for all I know, may be a hugely successful comedy act in Hungary. Or they may be Hungary’s equivalents of Sir Daniel Day-Lewis and Ralph Fiennes. But they are given little to do here (beyond some drunken escapades and comedy male stripping). They play the pair of luckless Hungarian brewery workers who, by some twists of fate that passeth all understanding, end up masquerading as male strippers in London. Their comedy is laboured and obvious, yet nowhere near as irritating as anything from Hollywood’s much better paid Ferrell-Sandler stable. Sadly, none of the other actors can muster much enthusiasm for what they’re doing. Former pop star Jamelia seems bored as the diamond-smuggling vengeance-seeking pilot (the film gives her a romantic sub-plot with one of the comedy Hungarian non-strippers but the director doesn’t even bother to engineer a first meeting between the two), and Vinnie Jones is about as threatening as a Care Bear. As for Michael Madsen, he should have his Equity card shredded, and he should be deported. I’ve seen him in several dismal Britpics now, and this could be his worst performance (and I’m including EL DORADO). Surely we’ve got some home-grown talent which we can waste in abominations such as THE BIG I AM? Why import someone as useless as Madsen?

    Interestingly the film has the Hungarians speaking in Hungarian. With subtitles! (Though I think the subtitler got confused as they start subtitling some English dialogue at one point.) Although I thoroughly approve of this, I suspect it was another black mark as far as the lads’ market was concerned.

    As a diamond heist movie DIAMOND HEIST is a non-starter. There is no heist, and the diamonds are of little interest to anyone. As a gangster film it’s rubbish (but the presence of Vinnie Jones almost guarantees that). As a twisty plot-based film it fails as the convolutions make no sense. As a male strippers film it’s feeble. As a culture clash comedy it lacks comedy, clashing, and culture. Maybe there’s some great Hungarian comedy going on, maybe the dialogue sparkles diamond-like. But ultimately it’s all just a morass of nonsense, with Vinnie Jones wearing a stupid hat, Michael Madsen shouting like a big kid, and Jamelia wandering around Trafalgar Square on her way to the airport. I think Tamer Hassan’s fans should give it a go (he may be wasted in a henchman role – and a henchman who doesn’t even get into any fights – but he does dress as Carmen Miranda so that’s got to be worth something).

    Beyond that this is like one of those Euro-pudding films they used to make. They would be filmed in Poland, set in France, directed by an Italian, star an Australian on the way up and an American on the way to obscurity, with a smattering of posh British actors in the main supporting roles. I think they were often tax dodges. Surely they don’t still do that do they?

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