1.5 out of 10
Release Date: 12th November 2013 (DVD Premiere)
Director: Robert Koltai
Cast: Michael Madsen, Vinnie Jones, Jamelia Davis, Gyozo Szabo, Csaba Pindroch, Robert Koltai, Ferenc Hujber, Sandor Nagy, Katya Tompos and Tamer Hassan
Writer: Robert Koltai
Trailer: DIAMOND HEIST
Diamond Heist is a co-production between the UK and Hungary. Now, it may just be that Hungarian humour does not travel. The only other explanation for this very unfunny comedy disguised as a heist movie’s existence is that the Hungarian makers thought they could make the English laugh. This piss weak gangster caper isn’t even a heist movie and the first person to even so much as mention a diamond appears about 1.25hrs in. The poster / DVD cover has clearly been designed by people that have never seen it, as the leading actor Michael Madsen’s face and name is missing off the sleeve , there are pictures of Tamer Hassan (THE BUSINESS) waving a gun around and Vinnie Jones is seen walking away from a massive fireball. All of these selling points on the box are misleading. For starters – the second billed Tamer Hassan has about three lines, opens a few doors for Michael Madsen and then appears in his remaining scenes in drag. Vinnie Jones has a toy gun and the only fire we see is emitted from his cigarette lighter. Michael Madsen’s performance is as lazy as it is abysmal. His whole performance looks like its been cobbled together from about 100 takes. To the plot – which is pretty incomprehensible.
Two losers (Gyozo Szabo and Csaba Pindroch) get embroiled in a plot to steal some diamonds. The two losers are on the run from Varga (VINNIE JONES – ESCAPE PLAN) after they witness him murder his accountant. After some convolution they find themselves landing the job as unlikely strippers at diamond fence, Terence Anderson’s (MICHAEL MADSEN – THE BIG I AM) 50th birthday in London. Throw in a vengeful courier, played by popstar Jamelia and the real strippers and you have a clunky very unfunny farce.
Vinnie Jones can be very good with the right direction, I was going to say the right role but he only ever plays thugs. He proved he was ok in the recent Escape Plan and the shit Bruce Willis vehicle Fire With Fire. But he’s keeping bad company with his mucker of about 6 films – Michael Madsen – who is a shadow of his former self. Madsen used to be able to elevate mediocre Hollywood fare like Species or Mullholland Falls but the one time Quentin Tarantino fave is a by-word for has-been. How many more Russian Mafia funded bollocks films are going to be cluttering our supermarket shelves for the next few years (most of them starring Madsen)? It’s a bad sign when you get left off the front of the cover of your own movie. Things really are that bad for Madsen. Director Robert Koltai has a list of directorial credits longer than any others I’ve ever seen so it’s a shock that somebody so experienced has submitted a film with all the precision and grace of a bad corporate video. It probably has a higher budget than most films that appear on Britpic but it’s all been wasted. I don’t know if I’ve seen a Hungarian movie before besides this but if this is the first, it may well be the last.
A new low for all involved and probably not the best introduction to Hungarian cinema. As a UK co-production so terrible it’s in danger of destroying inter-country relations forever.
1.5 out of 10 – A DOA turd. Worst film for all concerned. But still not Basement bad. Cinematic equivalent of having your balls/tits sandpapered.
Hilarious review below by Joe Pesci II aka Moff Usherwicz
WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?
- Michael Madsen: Dystopia (TV), 2047, The Hateful 8, A Hitman In London, The Big I Am, Highway To Hell (2013), Strength and Honour, Not Another Not Another Movie, , Scary Movie 4, The Chronicles Of Narnia: The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe (voice), Sin City, Kill Bill, James Bond – Die Another Day, Species 1 & 2, Donnie Brasco, The Winner, Mulholland Falls, Free Willy 1 & 2, Wyatt Earp, Final Combination, The Getaway (1994), Fixing The Shadow, Reservoir Dogs, Thelma & Louise, The Doors
- Vinnie Jones: Redirected, Escape Plan, Fire With Fire, Madagacar 3 (voice), The Age Of Dragons, Kill The Irishman, The Heavy, Not Another Not Another Movie, Strength and Honour, The Riddle, The Other Half, The Midnight Meat Train, Garfield 2 (voice), The Condemned, X-Men 3, She’s The Man, EuroTrip, Tooth, The Big Bounce, Mean Machine, Swordfish, Snatch, Gone In 60 Seconds, Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
- Tamer Hassan: Bitter Harvest, Breakdown (2015), Robot Overlords, The Hooligan Factory, The Double (2012), Freerunner, The Reverend (2012), Kick Ass, The Hike, Dead Man Running, The Last Seven, Jack Falls, Goal III, City Rats, Cass, Sucker Punch (2008), Eastern Promises, The Business, The Football Factory, The Calcium Kid