2.5 out of 10
Release Date: 3rd May 2010 (DVD Premiere)
Director: Liam Galvin (Mob Handed)
Cast: Yvette Rowland, Robin Reid, Alex ‘Reidinator’ Reid, Jason Marriner, Joe Egan, Carlton Leach, Norman Buckland, Howard Marks, Pretty Boy Roy Shaw, Karlos Vemola with Cass Pennant and Dave Courtney
Writer: Liam Galvin
Trailer: KILLER BITCH
The Britpic Brothers Video Crime Family has unearthed this alleged piece of rape-exploitation called Killer Bitch. Inspired by the titles of those 1980s video nasties like Driller Killer, Killer Bitch is an ultra low budget action gangster flick where nothing makes sense and the need for acting talent clearly didn’t apply. The performers’ credentials as real life celebrity members of the British underworld or as cage fighters or boxers were important though as Killer Bitch is littered with their comedy corpses.
Yvette (YVETTE ROWLAND – MOB HANDED) is kidnapped by a mysterious Cass Pennant (THE HOOLIGAN FACTORY) who gives her an ethereal list explaining that she has to kill all five people on it, or her friends and family will get killed instead. The ever so polite Yvette then runs around trying to save here friends from hit man Jason (JASON MARRINER) and kill the people on her list. When she asks Cass why, he explains that “the list is just a list”. Then he laughs like Frank Bruno never existed. She is hindered and aided by both Alex ‘Reidinator’ Reid and Robin Reid as men with their own lists. Various famous gangsters turn up playing themselves and get shot, stabbed, punched to death or get their dicks chopped off. At one point a lady dwarf gets dropped off a roof. Oh yeah and there is a whole bunch of gratuitous sex. About half of the women characters are in the film to be raped, the other half play prostitutes. I’m not sure if the rules of the list were followed as there were so many groups of bad guys running around I couldn’t follow what was happening.
Various people like Dave Courtney (HELL TO PAY) and Carlton Leach (GREEN STREET 3) have extended cameos. And even though the film is bedevilled by a shocking script and bad camera work it is still funny in a really bad way. The film is intended for a niche market (fans of the true crime mob celebrities) and no one would ever watch a film called Killer Bitch by accident and expect a lovely film like Best Exotic Marigold Hotel unless they were very very stupid. So it essentially delivers on its limited promise of being a low budget video nasty. To say that Yvonne’s character is a bitch is a bit strong as she apologises to everybody before she shoots them and has to be cajoled into pulling the trigger an awful lot of the time. Killer Drip doesn’t work as well.
The violence and dialogue is repetitive although stand out scenes involve a fight inside an ice cream van, Jason Marriner (MOB HANDED) shooting a girl in the head as she gives him a blow job, a dead man dropping a house brick on his own head and so on. Both Reids prove their talents lie elsewhere, except both have future acting engagements lined up. Yvonne Rowland who also produces is a terrible actress and it’s left to those further down the cast list to impress. Dave Courtney is a natural actor and raises some smiles as his assassination goes tits up in the early stages. But the majority of the players just raise laughs, both intentionally and unintentionally in a wildly amateur exploitation flick that everybody who’s starting out in the world of movie making should see and know that no matter how bad their efforts are they can always refer to Killer Bitch to see what can be achieved with a stolen camera from Argos, eight pairs of tits and a bunch of ex-gangsters – oh yeah and the word c*nt.
2.5 out of 10 – Entertaining in a very masochistic way. There are moments of hilarity to be found but they’re mostly at the film’s expense. There aren’t that many films around as gleefully demented or nonsensical as this but do check it out as a nice antidote to all those Judi Dench films flying around at the moment. Silly Bitch more like.
REVIEW BELOW BY MATT USHER aka the USHERNATOR
WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?
- Yvette Rowland: Mob Handed
- Robin Reid: Mob Handed
- Alex ‘Reidinator’ Reid: Celebrity Big Brother 2010 (TV)
- Joe Egan: Essex Vendetta, I Am Soldier, Lords of London, The Magnificent Eleven, Strippers Vs. Werewolves, Freight
- Carlton Leach: Essex Boys – Law of Survival, Green Street 3
- Jason Marriner: Mob Handed
- Howard Marks: Dirty Sanchez, Human Traffic
- Cass Pennant: What’s The Score?, Mob Handed, The Hooligan Factory, Svengali
- Dave Courtney: Gatwick Gangsters, Krish and Lee, Mob Handed, Full English Breakfast, The Estate, Six Bend Trap, Triads Yardies and Onion Bhajees, Hell To Pay, The Baby Juice Express