KILLER BITCH

Game,

2.5 out of 10

Release Date: 3rd May 2010 (DVD Premiere)
Director: Liam Galvin  (Mob Handed)

Cast: Yvette Rowland, Robin Reid, Alex ‘Reidinator’ Reid, Jason Marriner, Joe Egan, Carlton Leach, Norman Buckland, Howard Marks, Pretty Boy Roy Shaw, Karlos Vemola with Cass Pennant and Dave Courtney

Writer: Liam Galvin

Trailer: KILLER BITCH

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The Britpic Brothers Video Crime Family has unearthed this alleged piece of rape-exploitation called Killer Bitch. Inspired by the titles of those 1980s video nasties like Driller Killer, Killer Bitch is an ultra low budget action gangster flick where nothing makes sense and the need for acting talent clearly didn’t apply. The performers’ credentials as real life celebrity members of the British underworld or as cage fighters or boxers were important though as Killer Bitch is littered with their comedy corpses.

Yvette (YVETTE ROWLAND – MOB HANDED) is kidnapped by a mysterious Cass Pennant (THE HOOLIGAN FACTORY) who gives her an ethereal list explaining that she has to kill all five people on it, or her friends and family will get killed instead. The ever so polite Yvette then runs around trying to save here friends from hit man Jason (JASON MARRINER)  and kill the people on her list. When she asks Cass why, he explains that “the list is just a list”. Then he laughs like Frank Bruno never existed. She is hindered and aided by both Alex ‘Reidinator’ Reid and Robin Reid as men with their own lists. Various famous gangsters turn up playing themselves and get shot, stabbed, punched to death or get their dicks chopped off. At one point a lady dwarf gets dropped off a roof. Oh yeah and there is a whole bunch of gratuitous sex. About half of the women characters are in the film to be raped, the other half play prostitutes. I’m not sure if the rules of the list were followed as there were so many groups of bad guys running around I couldn’t follow what was happening.

Various people like Dave Courtney (HELL TO PAY) and Carlton Leach (GREEN STREET 3) have extended cameos.  And even though the film is bedevilled by a shocking script and bad camera work it is still funny in a really bad way. The film is intended for a niche market (fans of the true crime mob celebrities) and no one would ever watch a film called Killer Bitch by accident and expect a lovely film like Best Exotic Marigold Hotel unless they were very very stupid. So it essentially delivers on its limited promise of being a low budget video nasty. To say that Yvonne’s character is a bitch is a bit strong as she apologises to everybody before she shoots them and has to be cajoled into pulling the trigger an awful lot of the time. Killer Drip doesn’t work as well.

The violence and dialogue is repetitive although stand out scenes involve a fight inside an ice cream van, Jason Marriner (MOB HANDED) shooting a girl in the head as she gives him a blow job, a dead man dropping a house brick on his own head and so on. Both Reids prove their talents lie elsewhere, except both have future acting engagements lined up. Yvonne Rowland who also produces is a terrible actress and it’s left to those further down the cast list to impress. Dave Courtney is a natural actor and raises some smiles as his assassination goes tits up in the early  stages. But the majority of the players just raise laughs, both intentionally and unintentionally in a wildly amateur exploitation flick that everybody who’s starting out in the world of movie making should see and know that no matter how bad their efforts are they can always refer to Killer Bitch to see what can be achieved with a stolen camera from Argos, eight pairs of tits and a bunch of ex-gangsters – oh yeah and the word c*nt.

2.5 out of 10 – Entertaining in a very masochistic way. There are moments of hilarity to be found but they’re mostly at the film’s expense. There aren’t that many films around as gleefully demented or nonsensical as this but do check it out as a nice antidote to all those Judi Dench films flying around at the moment.  Silly Bitch more like.

REVIEW BELOW BY MATT USHER aka the USHERNATOR

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

THE RAILWAY MAN

5.5 out of 10

UK / Australian co-production

Release Date: 10th January 2014

Director: Jonathan Teplitzky (Getting Square)

Cast: Colin Firth, Nicole Kidman, Stellan Skarsgard, Jeremy Irvine, Tanroh Ishida, Sam Reid and Hiroyuki Sanada

Writer: Frank Cotterell-Boyce

Trailer: THE RAILWAY MAN

REVIEW COMING SOON

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

  • Colin Firth: Kingsman – The Secret Service, Magic In The Moonlight,  Before I Go To Sleep, Arthur & Mike, The Devil’s Knot, Gambit (2012), Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, The King’s Speech, St Trinians 2, A Single Man, Dorian Gray, Easy Virtue, Genova, Mamma Mia!, The Accidental Husband, St Trinians, And When Did You Last See Your Father, The Last Legion, Nanny McPhee, Where The Heart Lies, Bridget Jones 2, Trauma (2004), Love Actually, The Girl With The Pearl Earring, Hope Springs, The Importance Of Being Ernest (2002), Bridget Jones, Relative Values, Shakespeare In Love, A Thousand Acres, Fever Pitch, The English Patient, Pride & Prejudice (TV), Circle Of Friends, The Hour Of The Pig, Valmont, Apartment Zero, A Month In The Country, Another Country
  • Nicole Kidman: Paddington, Before I Go To Sleep, Grace of Monaco, Stoker, The Paperboy, Trespass (2011), Just Go With It, Rabbit Hole, Nine, Australia, The Golden Compass, Margot At The Wedding, Happy Feet (voice), Fur, Bewitched, The Interpreter, Birth, The Stepford Wives (2005), Cold Mountain, The Human Stain, Dogville, The Hours, Birthday Girl, The Others, Moulin Rouge, Eyes Wide Shut, Practical Magic, The Peacmaker, Portrait of a Lady, Batman Forever, To Die For (1995), My Life, Malice, Far and Away, Billy Bathgate, Flirting, Days of Thunder, Bangkok Hilton (TV), Dead Calm, Emerald City, BMX Bandits, Bush Christmas
  • Stellan Skarsgard: Cinderella, In Order of Disappearance, Nymphomanic 2, Nymphomaniac, Thor 2, Romeo and Juliet (2013), Avengers Assemble, The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (2012), Melancholia, Thor, King of Devil’s Island, Angels and Demons, Mamma Mia, Pirates of the Caribbean 3, Pirates of the Caribbean 2, Dominion – The Exorcist Prequel, Exorcist- The Beginning, King Arthur (2004), Dogville, Dancer In The Dark, Timecode 2000, Deep Blue Sea (1999), Ronin, Amistad, Good Will Hunting, The Kingdom II (TV), My Son The Fanatic, Insomnia (1997), Breaking The Waves, The Slingshot, The Ox, Wind (1992), The Hunt For Red October, The Unbearable Lightness of Being,
  • Jeremy Irvine: The Woman In Black 2, Great Expectations (2012), Now Is Good, War Horse
  • Tanroh Ishida: All That Remains
  • Sam Reid: ’71, BelleThe Riot Club
  • Hiroyuki Sanada: Despicable Me 3 (voice), 47 Ronin, X-Men – Wolverine 2, Speed Racer, Rush Hour 3, Sunshine (2007), The White Countess, The Last Samurai, Midnight Samurai, Ring 2 (1999), The Ring (1998)

TRIADS, YARDIES AND ONION BHAJEES

4 out of 10

Release Date: 1st November 2003

Director: Sarjit Bains (Cash and Curry)

Cast: Manish Patel, Jass Bassi, Ashvin Kumar Joshi, Francisco Labbe, Sukie Ghajminger, Jonathan Reason with Peter Peralta and Dave Courtney

Writer: Manish Patel

Trailer: TRIADS, YARDIES AND ONION BHAJEES 

REVIEW COMING SOON-ISH

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LEGACY – BLACK OPS

4 out of 10

Release Date: 11th March 2011 (DVD Premiere)

Director: Thomas Ikimi

Cast: Idris Elba, Monique Gabriela Curnan, Clarke Peters, Eamonn Walker, Richard Brake, Gerald Kyd, Lara Pulver, DeObia Operai, Annette Badland, William Hope, Mem Ferda and Julian Wadham

Writer: Thomas Ikimi

Trailer: LEGACY – BLACK OPS

REVIEW COMING SOON

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT PERSON?

  • Idris Elba: Bastille Day, Star Trek 3, Jungle Book – Origins, Finding Dory (voice), A Hundred Streets, Beasts of No Nation, Second Coming, Avengers Assemble 2, The Gunman, No Good Deed, Mandela, Thor 2, Luther (TV), Pacific Rim, Prometheus, Ghost Rider 2, Thor, Takers, The Losers, The Office (US)(TV), Obsessed, The Unborn, Rock-N-Rolla, Prom Night, American Gangster, 28 Weeks Later, The Reaping, Daddy’s Little Girl, The Wire (TV), Buffalo Soldiers, Sorted
  • Monique Gabriela Curnan: Contagion, Lie To Me (TV), Sons of Anarchy (TV)
  • Clarke Peters: The Bad Education Movie, John Wick, Treme (TV), True Detective (TV), Person of Interest (TV), Red Hook Summer, Nativity, Holby City (TV), Marley and Me, The Wire (TV), Mona Lisa, Outland
  • Eamonn Walker: Chicago PD (TV), Chicago Fire (TV), A Lonely Place To Die, The Messenger, Tears Of The Sun, Lord Of War, Unbreakable, Shopping, Young Soul Rebels, In Sickness and In Health (TV)
  • Richard Brake:  Cannibal In The Jungle, Bitter Harvest, Set Fire To The Stars, Spy (2015), Kingsman – The Secret Service, The Counsellor, The Numbers Station, The Incident,  Water For Elephants, Cuckoo, Halloween 2 (2009), Outpost, Hannibal Rising, The Black Dahlia,  Doom, Batman Begins, Cold Mountain, Death Machine
  • Gerald Kyd: Person of Interest (TV), Casualty (TV)
  • Lara Pulver: Fleming (TV), Sherlock (TV), True Blood (TV), MI-5 (TV), Robin Hood (TV)
  • DeObia Operai: Game of Thrones (TV) Dredd, Green Street 2, Doom, Underworld,Moulin Rouge, Alien 3
  • Annette Badland: Eastenders (TV), Mother’s Milk, Three and Out, Cutting It (TV), Dr Who (TV), Valiant (voice), Club Le Monde, Honest, Little Voice, 24-7 – Twentyfourseven, Hollow Reed, Angels and Insects, Captives, Beyond Bedlam, Anchoress, Making Out (TV), Bergerac (TV), Jabberwocky
  • William Hope: Thomas and Friends (voice) (TV), Spooks (TV), Sherlock Holmes (2009), xXx, Hellraiser 2, Aliens
  • Mem Ferda: Eliminators, A Punter’s Prayer, Breakdown, Dirtymoney, My Hero, London Heist, Hyena, Legacy of Thorn, Pusher (2012)Ill Manors, The Devil’s Double, The Crew
  • Julian Wadham: Queen & Country, The Riot Club, Cheerful Weather For The WeddingNow Is Good,  Outpost 2,  The Iron Lady, War Horse, Outpost, Wah-Wah, Dominion – Prequel To The Exorcist, Exorcist – The Beginning, Keep The Aspidistra Flying, The Secret Agent (1996),  The English Patient, The Madness Of King George III, Maurice

HELL TO PAY

4 out of 10

Release Date: 31st October 2005

Director: Roberto Gomez Martin

Cast: Dave Courtney, Billy Murray, Terry Stone, Dave Legeno, Andy Beckwith with John Altman and Martin Hancock

Writer: Dave Courtney

Trailer: HELL TO PAY

REVIEW COMING SOON

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT C**T IN BEFORE?

LORDS OF LONDON

6.5 out of 10

Release Date: 6th January 2014 (DVD Premiere)

Director: Antonio Simoncini  & Craig Viveiros (The Liability / Ghosted)

Cast: Glen Murphy, Giovanni Capalbo, Serena Iansiti, Christopher Hatherall, Joe Egan and Ray Winstone

Writer: Antonio Simoncini & Craig Viveiros

Trailer: LORDS OF LONDON

Lords-Of-London-Ray-Winstone-shootersHere’s an unusual one. An ethereal, supernatural gangster flick that works in many respects. Coming from the same team that made the floppy Fathers of Girls, they’ve tried something a little different again with more success. Disguising a thoughtful film about regrets as a rival to Sexy Beast or Snatch is a interesting marketing ploy as after five minutes in, it’s clear to everybody that this is not at all like those films. So why dress it up as a generic crime flick? Everybody that happens on it will be disappointed but it still got someone to buy it, yeah? Cynical way to treat this oddity.

Ex-London’s Burning actor Glen Murphy plays a London mobster is shot and awakes to find himself transported back to rural Italy to put some wrongs right. It seems that he’s there to stop his evil father (CHRISTOPHER HATHERALL and RAY WINSTONE) from ruining his mother’s life by marrying her – and as result cancelling his own birth.  The Italian setting and local cast is a definite plus and the slow plot actually nice to watch unfold. Flashbacks to Glen’s childhood give Ray Winstone his only chance to channel the type of mad bastard he made his name with, he’s had in years. His presence in one or two extended scenes give the film more gravity and he’s effortlessly matched by Hatherall as the younger version.

Don’t be put off by the misleading title but Ghostly Gangster wouldn’t have exactly sold many DVDs either but it’s great to see such an unsual take on a well-trodden genre. Harold Pinter would have been proud. Who’d have thought that Glen Murphy from London’s Burning would have such an unusual film in him.  He’s better than he’s ever been (which is kind of feint praise) but still a compliment here.

6.5 out of 10 – A unique crime film that’s not afraid to try something new and dangerous. It’s just bad news that it’s been disguised as something for the Essex Boys massive. Expect to see 100s of copies in a Cex near you. Recommended for Ray and Italy and the sad resolution.

PS: It could go down as having the most misleading cover art / poster of all time though.

Review by Matt ‘Scum of Halifax’ Usher down below

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

KELLY + VICTOR

6 out of 10

Release Date: 20th September 2013

Director: Kieran Evans

Cast: Antonia Campbell-Hughes, Julian Morris, Stephen Walters, William Ruane, Michael Ryan, Claire Keelan, Gabrielle Reidy, Lisa Millett, Johann Myers, Shaun Mason and Mark Womack

Writer: Kieran Evans / Niall Grifftihs

Trailer: KELLY + VICTOR 

REVIEW COMING SOON

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?