KILLER BITCH

Game,

2.5 out of 10

Release Date: 3rd May 2010 (DVD Premiere)
Director: Liam Galvin  (Mob Handed)

Cast: Yvette Rowland, Robin Reid, Alex ‘Reidinator’ Reid, Jason Marriner, Joe Egan, Carlton Leach, Norman Buckland, Howard Marks, Pretty Boy Roy Shaw, Karlos Vemola with Cass Pennant and Dave Courtney

Writer: Liam Galvin

Trailer: KILLER BITCH

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The Britpic Brothers Video Crime Family has unearthed this alleged piece of rape-exploitation called Killer Bitch. Inspired by the titles of those 1980s video nasties like Driller Killer, Killer Bitch is an ultra low budget action gangster flick where nothing makes sense and the need for acting talent clearly didn’t apply. The performers’ credentials as real life celebrity members of the British underworld or as cage fighters or boxers were important though as Killer Bitch is littered with their comedy corpses.

Yvette (YVETTE ROWLAND – MOB HANDED) is kidnapped by a mysterious Cass Pennant (THE HOOLIGAN FACTORY) who gives her an ethereal list explaining that she has to kill all five people on it, or her friends and family will get killed instead. The ever so polite Yvette then runs around trying to save here friends from hit man Jason (JASON MARRINER)  and kill the people on her list. When she asks Cass why, he explains that “the list is just a list”. Then he laughs like Frank Bruno never existed. She is hindered and aided by both Alex ‘Reidinator’ Reid and Robin Reid as men with their own lists. Various famous gangsters turn up playing themselves and get shot, stabbed, punched to death or get their dicks chopped off. At one point a lady dwarf gets dropped off a roof. Oh yeah and there is a whole bunch of gratuitous sex. About half of the women characters are in the film to be raped, the other half play prostitutes. I’m not sure if the rules of the list were followed as there were so many groups of bad guys running around I couldn’t follow what was happening.

Various people like Dave Courtney (HELL TO PAY) and Carlton Leach (GREEN STREET 3) have extended cameos.  And even though the film is bedevilled by a shocking script and bad camera work it is still funny in a really bad way. The film is intended for a niche market (fans of the true crime mob celebrities) and no one would ever watch a film called Killer Bitch by accident and expect a lovely film like Best Exotic Marigold Hotel unless they were very very stupid. So it essentially delivers on its limited promise of being a low budget video nasty. To say that Yvonne’s character is a bitch is a bit strong as she apologises to everybody before she shoots them and has to be cajoled into pulling the trigger an awful lot of the time. Killer Drip doesn’t work as well.

The violence and dialogue is repetitive although stand out scenes involve a fight inside an ice cream van, Jason Marriner (MOB HANDED) shooting a girl in the head as she gives him a blow job, a dead man dropping a house brick on his own head and so on. Both Reids prove their talents lie elsewhere, except both have future acting engagements lined up. Yvonne Rowland who also produces is a terrible actress and it’s left to those further down the cast list to impress. Dave Courtney is a natural actor and raises some smiles as his assassination goes tits up in the early  stages. But the majority of the players just raise laughs, both intentionally and unintentionally in a wildly amateur exploitation flick that everybody who’s starting out in the world of movie making should see and know that no matter how bad their efforts are they can always refer to Killer Bitch to see what can be achieved with a stolen camera from Argos, eight pairs of tits and a bunch of ex-gangsters – oh yeah and the word c*nt.

2.5 out of 10 – Entertaining in a very masochistic way. There are moments of hilarity to be found but they’re mostly at the film’s expense. There aren’t that many films around as gleefully demented or nonsensical as this but do check it out as a nice antidote to all those Judi Dench films flying around at the moment.  Silly Bitch more like.

REVIEW BELOW BY MATT USHER aka the USHERNATOR

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

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One thought on “KILLER BITCH

  1. KILLER BITCH – review by Matt “Thriller Bitch” Usher

    Five names on a list. Five people to kill. This is Killer Bitch’s task. But she is not alone. Other people have lists. And who knows who’s keeping an eye on which list? And why are these people all on lists anyway? And who decides who gets what list? None of these questions are answered, because it’s all part of the game. What game? I truly have no idea. But it’s a game which has to be played. For the losers: death. For the winner: I haven’t the foggiest. At one point we see the list – it’s an actual list with ‘Paul’, ‘Shane’ and ‘John’ all written in black marker pen, each crossed out with a single sinister line. With all these lists all over the place, it’s like a pyramid marketing scheme of death. But I also wondered if it might be a comment on the futility off the ‘eye for an eye’ mentality. I doubt it.

    A model agent finds herself in a bit of a pickle whereby she has to kill five people, or all her friends and family will be killed. She sets about this task with some reluctance, and, to be honest, I’m not sure whether she fulfilled her quota or not, particularly as quite a few of her earlier ‘kills’ were actually killed by other people instead. Curiously our heroine’s friends and family all seem to be female sex workers of one sort or another, and they all get killed (regardless of whether or not Killer Bitch has killed her target) by a fat cockney chap who can’t act (but he’s clearly having a lot of fun).

    By and large, the acting falls into two categories, which might be politely described as ‘too much’ and ‘not enough’. Sometimes though, an actor alternates between these two categories to create a bewildering effect, making the film a deeply unpredictable experience (indeed the plot, and lack of plot, ensures that the film is anything but boringly predictable – just look at the Japanese guys and the fish). The principal culprit of this schizophrenic acting is Yvette Rowland as the Killer Bitch. The film (I think) tries to turn her from an everyday businesswoman to a cold-eyed assassin, but for numerous reasons, fails. But at least Rowland seems to know what she’s meant to be doing, whereas most of the rest of the cast just turn up and either shout a lot or stand about looking comatose a lot.

    Sadly, the film was bedevilled by off-screen problems, including the loss of its lead actor Alex The Reidernator Reid. But can one truly describe him as an actor? I’m not sure. Indeed, I don’t think any professional actors were involved in the making of this film, it must have been their day off. But worry not! Alex Reid is replaced by Robin Reid, who grabs the role and performs it with aplomb, though with little skill or credibility. Elsewhere the film is peopled by a dizzying array of untalented criminal types. Now far be it for me to suggest that any of them got their roles by paying to be in the film, but one certainly feels that the film is someone’s vanity project.

    This is a film designed to appal our sensibilities. It’s all here: the inevitable pregnant victim (though I confess she eluded me), the topless female dwarf hurled off a wall to her doom, the dead raped disabled woman, the dead porn stars (a lot of them), a phallic excision and a bunch of criminals making fools of themselves. In the end though, it’s just another example of a film trying to be controversial for the sake of headlines.

    The film may be pretty dire, but does it achieve what it sets out to do? After all it’s not designed to be competing for any Oscars. Alas, even by the standard of the lame British straight-to-DVD crime movie, it falls short. The plot starts off haphazardly, meanders, and ultimately falls off a cliff until it’s just a succession of fat bald blokes duffing up other fat bald blokes, occasionally shooting naked women to add some variety. None of these desperadoes are particularly convincing even though most of them are playing themselves. And there are scenes which come from nowhere and lead nowhere – the ‘reindeer piss’ non-sequitur, the warehouse massacre, and the attempt to break the record for the number of people you can fit in an ice-cream van chief among them.

    And yet. There are moments to cherish, like the bare-knuckled boxer with a lame line in insults who drops a brick onto his own head after being shot. Or the moment when Reid somehow manages to leave a public toilet even though our heroine and a corpse are slumped in front of the only door. And there are some very effective shots of puddles, puddles which perhaps represent the depressing state of Britain or the British film industry? And there’s the puppyish enthusiasm of so many of these no doubt reformed bad people (curiously the two most obviously enthusiastic members of the cast burn themselves into the viewer’s brain due to their genitalia: one of them runs gaily about naked from the waist down following a failed rape attempt; the other bizarrely decides that a good time to shoot a woman in the head is whilst she’s performing fellatio on him; his penis is subsequently severed in a launderette). And the film has a mordantly existential view on the futility of all existence as an obese villain squawks ‘what’s the point of you then?’ when executing all those he regards as being of insufficient monetary worth. And then there’s the astounding moment where a character returns from the dead before our very eyes, and attempts to rape a TV news reporter despite being both dead and having lost his penis some time earlier. Curiously the TV news crew fail to do anything about it (which is taking objectivity a bit too far). And then there’s the supposedly scary bloke with the Frank Bruno laugh, who may or may not be the mastermind of the game. And then there’s the animalistic roaring that Alex The Reidinator Reid makes whilst ravishing the Killer Bitch.

    So, all in all, it’s badly written, poorly acted, abysmally edited and suffers from a complete absence of any sort of believability. And it’s crass and stupid. And yet, it has that indefinable something, that cringingly awful embarrassment factor which makes me suspect that it might, in years to come, just might unveil itself one day (just like SHOWGIRLS) as an all-time camp classic.

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