2 out of 10

Release Date: 9th June 2014 (DVD Premiere)

Director: Ross Boyask (Tower of the Dead / Ten Dead Men)

Cast: Cecily Fay, Joelle Simpson, Will Brenton, Christian Howard, Merilees Fay Harris, Helen Steinway-Bailey, Holly Loveday, Simon Feilder, Keith Eyles, Zara Phythian and Brendan Carr

Writer: Ross Boyask





One thought on “WARRIORESS

  1. WARRIORESS by Joe Pesci II aka Matt Usher

    This might just be my favourite bad film ever. It’s got everything! And all of it is awful! This is what bad movies are meant to be about. There is nothing bland about this (apart from the acting, but that seems completely appropriate). This is a film revelling in awful dialogue which seems to have been badly dubbed on afterwards by people who sound like they look nothing like the actors (I’m sure it is the actors but anyway), a leading lady (who also designed the costumes) who feels fully dressed in not much more than a silver bra and an amusing blue pointy hat, and a deputy leading lady who can’t say the letter R properly (unfortunate when she introduces herself as White Arrow of the Ragganwold tribe). There are endless (probably rather good) fight scenes to sleep through, a sex scene which looks like a shampoo commercial, lots ofshots of people wandering through woods as if dazed / stupid, a splendid collection of improbable headgear, and not one but two wise old tribal elder women, one of whom seems to be a librarian while the other channels the spirit of Joyce Grenfell.

    We’re in the far future, but it’s medieval sci-fi time so everyone is going around with swords, fulfilling prophecies and waiting for trousers to be re-invented. Meanwhile baddies (who have rediscovered the old technologies) are preparing to invade, but we’ll have to wait for the sequel for that. The plot requires a chosen one from one tribe to trudge across Somerset and do battle with a chosen one from another tribe. If their punch-up has no winner after three days then they are The Chosen Ones who will go forth and fight the baddies. WARRIORESS is the story of one chosen ones, played by Cecily Fay (who also co-wrote, built the set and made props) with a strange mixture of boredom and regret. She’s very good when she’s not talking or having to do emotions (actually I don’t think she does any emotions except look a bit sad when her best friend gets killed by evil warrioresses, and a bit happy when it turns out that her boyfriend (surely a boy band reject) wasn’t killed by the evil warrioresses after all, though his acting makes it difficult to tell the difference).

    After her best friend (or sister or whatever she was) gets killed by the evil warrioresses, our WARRIORESS teams up with another warrioress and they quickly exact vengeance on various passing warriors and warrioresses. However our WARRIORESS must fights the evil best-friend-slaying warrioress alone. At no point does our WARRIORESS wonder if her new warrioress friend (White Arrow of the Wagonroll tribe) might just be the other chosen one. I think she’s quite surprised when she finds out, but Fay’s acting is very understated so she looks like she’s just been told she’s missed a train and will have to wait another 45 minutes.

    As well as playing the eponymous WARRIORESS, Cecily Fay produces, executive produces, composes, arranges and sings the title song (for which she also supplied the lyrics), wrote the story, and did all her own stunts. So this is something of a labour of love. Did no-one say ‘hang on Cecily Fay, we need to rethink some of this’? Happily not. By ‘this’ I mean the whole conception of the film. To be fair, WARRIORESS is designed to exhibit the stuntwork of those involved, and they all do a more than creditable job (fight choreographer: Cecily Fay). There’s a lot of leaping about and necks being snapped, and sword fights and all that sort of thing going on. And as far as I’m aware no actor was killed during the making of the film. So, maximum points on those fronts. It’s just… Who is this for? It’s like a weird fan homage to Robin of Sherwood and Xena Warrior Princess. I’m sure they had a lovely time making it…..

    Oh and do you know I think I’ve also found my new favourite awful actor. It’s Brendan Carr! I thoroughly enjoyed his non-performance in the same director’s abysmal TEN DEAD MEN but wondered why he had only one line of dialogue. Now I know. In WARRIORESS I think he gets about three lines, all of which are variants of ‘come to me my pretty’ which he delivers in an unexpectedly high pitch, like a slightly demented but not particularly menacing parrot.

    Although the film is drivel, and stupid drivel at that, it has a sort of sweet amiability to it. It enthusiastically and confidently tells its silly sub-Dungeons and Dragons story without letting anything boring like credibility, realistic acting or sensible clothing get in the way. (If the female members of the cast didn’t all catch a chill during the shoot I’d be very surprised.) It all looks pretty and home-made; it’s a sort of village fete of a film. And no real harm is done, and it’s not like they’re dancing on the graves of abused children (have a look at the repugnantly awful ABDUCTED for more on that). Every now and again there’s even a decent image, like the moment when the two warrioresses prepare to do battle, standing in a stone circle, robed in red and white respectively like some sort of human chess set, though you do wonder where they’ve been keeping their brand new fighting clothes all this time.

    Surprisingly lacking in blood and gore, WARRIORESS takes itself very seriously for the most part. And rightly so. There is some (unfunny) light relief when the baddies turn up in their evil Nazified lair and concoct the scheme for the sequel. But for the most part this is all shamanistic nonsense with magic and chanting and joss sticks flying about (probably). It may not be the British film industry’s finest hour and a half but it’s dumb fun and it might even be the film they were trying to make, the fools. Personally, WARRIORESS II can’t come soon enough.

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