2 out of 10
Release Date: 22nd September 2014 (DVD Premiere)
Director: Paul Lee King & Darren James King (Blood Feud)
Cast: Steve Brunton, Paul Lee King, Bert Truby, Dave Courtney, Keith Ackerman, Saffron Sprackling, Darren James King, Steve Blunder, Rory Locke, Stefan Seward, Luke Fazer-Wright, Tommy Ivers-Grant, Dean Maskell, Mickey Curate, Jill Buchanan and Bruce Jones
Writer: Paul Lee King & Darren James King
Amateur boneheads plague the UK gangster genre yet again in this laughable attempt. Even the title highlights the dearth of imagination on display in Looters, Tooters and Sawn-Off Shooters. Messy, incoherently plotted and badly acted this gangster flick has one of the worst scripts I’ve seen in a film for some time. Only a bizarre scene where a Jean-Claude Van-Damme lookalike arse rapes a locker is worth mentioning because it’s as weird and as creepy as anything you’ll ever see and has no place in the movie either. Was it an attempt at comedy or a scream for help from the minor actor who defiles himself so vigorously!? We’ll never know unless the King Brothers get to make another giant turd like this.
Ex-criminal lump, Charlie Thompson (STEVE BRUNTON – GATWICK GANGSTERS) returns to London after ten years in exile when he learns that his angelic nephew Danny (TOMMY IVERS-GRANT) is murdered. Little does he know that old enemy CHELT (PAUL KING – BLOOD FEUD) had the murder arranged to flush Charlie out of retirement. Also in the mix is Danny’s dim petty -crim brother, Frankie (BERT TRUBY) who also wants revenge. Charlie enlists old pals Micky (DAVE COURTNEY – KILLER BITCH), Pete (STEVE BLUNDER) and Roy (BRUCE JONES – SOULBOY) to help him but times have changed. Chelt now controls the city and taking him down isn’t going to be that straight forward.
Actually killing Chelt would be really easy if all the characters weren’t a bunch of slow-witted idiots who stand around talking in pubs having arguments in slow motion. There’s a lot of (badly delivered) dialogue in Looters, Tooters and Sawn-Off Shooters. All the participants seem to be reading their lines off an auto-cue. This is unfortunate as everyone seems to have a sad story to share at the drop of a hat. Everybody’s on a high-horse and everybody has a score to settle. At over 90 minutes, there’s a lack of plot momentum. Characters get killed purely because the leads are wasting time talking about how big and scary Chelt is. That Chelt is played by the writer and director (Paul Lee King) this doubles as a unfortunate dose of low-level ego gone rampant. Saying that, he is one of the better am-dram-gangsters on show.
Bruce Jones shows up in an extended cameo as Roy. A supposed ‘mr fix-it’ who’s about as competent as a drunken sock puppet. Poor Bruce. A plot to eavesdrop on Chelt’s office by planting a wire in a bag is really weird and pointless and only serves to highlight that our hero Charlie is probably one of the dopiest characters ever to grace a crime movie. It’s unfortunate that he’s got competition in the talent void playing his sappy nephew Frankie. It’s like his only previous acting experience is inside one of those giant teddy bears that give out leaflets in the High Street. Every movement and gesture is over done as if he’s wearing a giant suit. The script just flummoxes the poor kid and lands him in trouble more than the rest. Yet again Dave Courtney puts in another committed performance. His new role is something of a stretch from his normal king pin role. Here he just plays a connected ‘mate’ of Charlie’s. He’s a decent actor trapped in joker central. However, best acting honours goes to unknown Steve Blunder as another one of Charlie’s mates. He’s perhaps the most sympathetic character on offer.
On the whole, this is yet another attempt to give us a great UK gangster film in the tradition of The Long Good Friday or Get Carter. What we get instead is a sub-par episode of The Bill at a golfer’s walking pace. It’s slow, plotted by retards and acted (largely) by illiterate egotists. A moratorium on this sort of film ought to be called as Looters, Tooters and Sawn-Off Shooters demonstrates that the UK Gangster film is now overrun by the filmmaking equivalent of Sunday drivers.
2 out of 10 – Weird and creepy in a bad way. As thrilling as sex with John Major. The UK gangster movie is dead.
Another review below by Matt Usher.
WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?
- Steve Brunton: Gatwick Gangsters
- Paul Lee King: Blood Feud
- Darren James King: Invasion Earth, I Am Hooligan, Blood Feud (dir), Essex Boys – Law of Survival
- Dave Courtney: Gatwick Gangsters, Gangsters Gamblers & Geezers, Mob Handed, Full English Breakfast, The Estate, SIx Bend Trap, Killer Bitch, Triads Yardies and Onion Bhajees, The Baby Juice Express, Hell To Pay
- Saffron Sprackling: Blood Feud
- Rory Locke: Blood Feud
- Dean Maskell: The Curse of the Witching Tree
- Mickey Curate: Blood Feud
- Bruce Jones: Soulboy, Corononation St (TV), Twentyfourseven, The Full Monty, Bob’s Weekend, Raining Stones