LOVE’S KITCHEN

1.5 out of 10

Release Date: 24th June 2011

Director: James Hacking

Cast: Dougray Scott, Claire Forlani, Peter Bowles, Lee Boardman, Michelle Ryan, Holly Gibbs, Simon Hepworth, Matthew Clancy, Caroline Langrishe, Celia Henebury, Josh Bowman, Adam Fogerty, Pip Torrens, Katrine De Candole and Cheri Lunghi with Gordon Ramsay and Simon Callow

Writer: James Hacking

Trailer: LOVE’S KITCHEN

Love's_Kitchen_FilmPosterEven the food looks pale in this amateurish rom-com flop which hit newspaper headlines for making a paltry £100 at the UK cinema box office.  Even by sticking to the most formulaic of plots Love’s Kitchen comes across as a half-hearted pilot for a forgotten sit-com of the mild sort that would have congested our TV channels in the early 90s.  What attracted the gaggle of name actors to this flop isn’t apparent in the final product. Most of the blame though for its plain awfulness must land squarely in Dougray Scott’s smug lap. He is clearly embarrassed to be there and he applies a very weak performance to a very inconsistent character. He plays cinema’s worst written and most unconvincing widowed single dad who buys a pub to reclaim his reputation as a top chef and purveyor of good English food (yawn).  The cliches mount up as he clashes, then bonds, then falls for food critic Kate (CLAIRE FORLANI – MEET JOE BLACK) whilst winning back his reputation and the hearts and stomachs of the local villagers led by ex-rocker Peter Bowles (LILTING). The makers obviously think being an arrogant c*nt is the magic key to writing rom-com gold. Well it isn’t.

Love’s Kitchen is flatter than Norfolk. It’s a dead and pale affair only livened up by a ripe Simon Callow (SOFT TOP, HARD SHOULDER) (in a brief supporting role as a TV critic.)  When the film threatens to tie the events up with a last minute romantic dash to the airport I wanted to throw the TV out of the window (except it’s too heavy).  TV super-chef Gordon Ramsay (HELL’S KITCHEN) puts in a sheepish performance as himself and adds to the cringe factor no end. Michelle Ryan (EASTENDERS) is probably fairly sidelined and awkward as a loyal waitress and I’ve forgotten about all the other cardboard cut-outs that show up along the way. A cartoon villain is about as funny as 12 years of  12 Years a Slave – so even Love’s Kitchen‘s attempts at humour are complete abortions. I began to dread watching the actors faces as they’d scoop up some of Dougray Scott‘s food, stop chewing, roll their eyes as if someone’s stick a feather up their arse and exclaim that they were eating the best thing they’d ever tasted. All the food looked pale, undercooked and shit. It’s the least appetising movie about food ever made and the least enticing. Makers of  Chef, Babette’s Feast, The Lunch Box take a long bow!

Shame on the makers for presenting such a pig’s bollock of a rom-com. This has about as much life as a Bradford roller disco. Avoid like a week old milk. It’s that rotten. Dougray Scott as a romantic lead is just creepy. Imagine Ray Liotta as a kindergarten teacher, or Christopher Walken as an Ewok and you’re getting an idea of how mis-cast this Scots bore is.

1.5 out of 10 – A boring shambles and an embarrassment to all who are involved. A pale, offensive, very weak and charmless rom-com. Paying audiences were wise to steer clear. They could probably smell the shit cooking from the street pavement.

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

  • Dougray Scott: Tiger House, Taken 3, The Last Passenger, Dr Who (TV), Death Race 3, A Thousand Kisses Deep, My Week With Marilyn, Love’s Kitchen, United, New Town Killers, Hitman, Desperate Housewives (TV), Dark Water, One Last Chance, To Kill a King, Ripley’s Game, Enigma, Mission Impossible 2, Gregory’s Girl 2, This Year’s Love, Ever After, Deep Impact, Another 9.5 Weeks, Twin Town, The Crow Road (TV), Soldier Soldier (TV)
  • Claire Forlani: NCIS – Los Angeles (TV), CSI – NY (TV), Flashbacks of a Fool, In the Name of the King, Hallam Foe, Ripley Underground, Green Street, The Medallion, Northfork, Triggermen, Antitrust, Mystery Men, Meet Joe Black, The Last Time I Committed Suicide, Basquiat, Mallrats, The Rock, Police Academy 7
  • Peter Bowles: Lilting, The Bank Job, Freebird, To The Manor Born (TV), The Steal, Rumpole Of The Bailey (TV), Only When I Laugh (TV), Blow Up
  • Lee Boardman: The Interceptor (TV), DaVinci’s Demons (TV), Fated, Rome (TV)
  • Michelle Ryan: Cockneys vs Zombies, Cleanskin, Huge, The Man Inside (2012), 4-3-2-1, Cashback, Wonder Woman (TV), Eastenders (TV)
  • Holly Gibbs: Mob Handed, The Story of Tracey Beaker (TV), Nanny McPhee
  • Caroline Langrishe: Casualty (TV), Lovejoy (TV)
  • Josh Bowman:Level Up, So Undercover, 13HRs, Prowl, Revenge (TV), Holby City (TV),
  • Adam Fogerty: Bait (2015), Plastic, Assault The Darkness, Snatch
  • Pip Torrens: Kids In Love, Poldark (TV), Gemma Bovery, My Week With Marilyn, St Trinians 2, Flood, Rogue Trader, The Remains Of The Day
  • Katrine De Candole: Fated
  • Cheri Lunghi: Secret Diary of a Call Girl (TV), The Brief (TV), Burn Hollywood Burn, Jack & Sarah, Frankenstein (1994), The Manageress (TV), To Kill a Priest, The Mission, Excalibur
  • Gordon Ramsay: Kitchen Nightmares (TV), Hell’s Kitchen (TV), Hotel Hell (TV), Masterchef (TV), The F Word (TV)
  • Simon Callow: Hampstead, Mindhorn, Golden Years, Outlander (TV), Ripley Underground, The Phantom of the Opera (2004), Bright Young Things, Thunderpants, No Man’s Land, Shakespeare In Love, Bedrooms and Hallways, The Scarlet Tunic, James and The Giant Peach (voice), Ace Ventura 2, Jefferson In Paris, Streetfighter, Four Weddings and a Funeral, Soft Top Hard Shoulder, Mr & Mrs Bridge, Postcards From The Edge, Maurice, A Room With a View, Amadeus
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