2 out of 10
Release Date: 14th June 2005
Director: Andrew Goth (Gallowwalkers)
Cast: Luke Goss, Kevin Howarth, Matt Lucas, Carly Jane Turnbull, David Baker, Carrie Clark, Steven Elder, Jake Curran and David Gant
Writer: Joanne Reay
Trailer: COLD AND DARK
Here’s a first – a buddy cop horror set in Falmouth and St Agnes in North Cornwall. Andrew Goth director of the unusually flashy yet muddled Gallowwalkers cut his horror teeth on this weird yet far from wonderful movie. It begins like a tepid buddy cop movie in the Hollywood mould of good cop and wild cop on the trail of evil Cornish people smugglers and then turns into a horror (comedy?) that aspires to be an update of early 90s Brit-pic Split Second. Luke Goss (INTERVIEW WITH A HITMAN) is John Dark, the nice cop and Kevin Howarth (SUMMER SCARS) is Mortimer Shade, the odd one. Near the beginning Shade gets turned into a monster inside a fridge and goes about using his new form as an excuse to kill all the bad guys. Dark seems to like this but what happens when there’s no bad guys left to kill? Who will Shade turn into his next bed time snack.
Ludicrous plot turns and gaps in production continuity render huge parts of Cold and Dark incomprehensible. The makers seems to have used choral music and slow motion to pave over the cracks in the narrative just because they look and sound cool. Later on Matt Lucas’ (BRIDESMAIDS) MI-5 Fox Mulder alike turns up with some long overdue explanations as to what is happening. But this is where the film turns into a comedy!? I was giving up trying to keep up with events at this pout and tried to spot familiar places in Cornwall or admire the work that went into the lo-fi gory effects.
The performances were wildly erratic across the board from the wooden – hello Carly Jane Turnbull, to the theatrical ham to the power of 1000+ David Gant (OUTPOST 2) (putting in the strangest performance I’ve ever seen in a Britpic – worth a look maybe?) The script has huge gaps and what remains is tin eared and nonsensical. I did like one exchange in which Shade explains “It’s how you wear it,” when Dark compliments him on how well he suits the whole demonic possession thing. A brilliant line in a rear underpants explosion of a thriller/comedy/horror. Anything in which our hero shares bananas with his giant dog in the bath has to have been made by deluded loonies. And like my companion asks below, what the fuck happened to the dog?
2 out of 10 – Too weird to have been this way by design. Unusual but very, very trying. Gallowwalkers is way better.
Review Below by Joe Pesci II aka Matt Usher
WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?
- Luke Goss: Death Race 3, Inside (2013), Interview With a Hitman, Witchville, 7 Below, Blood Out, Death Race 2, Hellboy 2, The Man, Charlie, Blade 2
- Kevin Howarth: Gallowwalkers, The Seasoning House, The Magnificent Eleven, Summer Scars, The Last Horror Movie, Razor Blade Smile
- Matt Lucas: Alice In Wonderland 2, In Secret, The Harry Hill Movie, The Look of Love, Small Apartments, Bridesmaids, Gnomeo & Juliet (voice), Alice In Wonderland (2010), The Infidel, Shooting Stars (TV), Little Britain (TV), The Smell Of Reeves and Mortimer (TV)
- Steven Elder: Spaceship, Doctors (TV), Tortoise In Love, Coronation Street (TV)
- David Gant: Outpost 2