ASSAULT OF DARKNESS (aka LEGEND OF THE BOG)

2 out of 10

THIS IS AN IRISH FILM

Release Date: 23rd November 2010 (DVD Premiere)

Director: Brendan Foley (The Riddle)

Cast: Vinnie Jones, Jason Barry, Nora-Jane Noone, Amy Huberman, Val Goldstein, Gavin Kelty, Olga Wherly, Michael Collins and Adam Fogerty

Writer: Brendan Foley and John Sheridan

Trailer: ASSAULT OF DARKNESS

 legend_of_bogWell, Assault of Darkness has a good poster. Even before it changed its name for Legend of The Bog it had a good poster. Its trailer has been edited together to make it look like a half-competent cheap horror flick too but this is all subterfuge. Legend of the Bog is a comedy-horror and no, I’m not being ironic. It really is a comedy in the same sense that Shaun of the Dead is a comedy, only it’s unfunny…. and unscary.  A confusing prelude sees our leading man Vinnie Jones (THE RETREAT) (who isn’t really the leading man at all but supporting muscle) being attacked by Paddington Bear. At the end of the fight he calls Paddington Bear a ‘Swamp Slapper‘…. Comedy gold right?

Corrupt property developer Val (VAL GOLDSTEIN) unearths a magical bog man (ADAM FOGERTY – SNATCH) who follows her taxi to a remote hunting lodge where six more lost souls with similar back stories are hiding out until dawn. The lodge belongs to a hunter called Mr Hunter (VINNIE JONES) who has a horrible secret. Of the five, there are two bland and expendable females, one blonde, one brunette, a smarmy expert on bog men (JASON BARRY – TITANIC) and a stroppy driver (NORA JANE NOONE – THE DESCENT). Rounding out the menu is a really, really Irish cab driver called Seamus O’Looney or something. They get picked off one by one by the comedy bog man in such a fashion you’ll try to remember seeing worse films. Then the film just gets more and more bizarre. A series of revelations about our characters hint that the makers wanted to make a serious film at some stage – but were derailed by those that wanted to make a no-budget Evil Dead with dismembered hands, anoraks and dopey, badly performing cavemen running rampant. It’s a truly odd one that does belong trapped in the nearest U-bend.

Who’s up for a sequel then?  The Legend of Toilet Duck: Meet The Floaters is just crying out to be made. Where’s Paul Tanter when you need him? Well at least we have a film that caters for hardworking toilet cleaners everywhere featuring Vinnie Jones. Beware this film was made by Brendan Foley who made that other VJ starrer The Piddle. Could this be another De Niro/Scorsese-like partnership in the offing? Thankfully no, because this film is about 6 years old already and they haven’t teamed up since.

2 out of 10 – Bizarre, horror-comedy tosh. Only Vinnie Jones completists and fans of ‘bogs’ and cottaging should apply.

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

  • Vinnie Jones: Redirected, Diamond Heist, Escape Plan, Fire With Fire, Madagacar 3 (voice), The Age Of Dragons,  Kill The Irishman, The Heavy, Not Another Not Another Movie,  Strength and Honour, The RiddleThe Other Half, The Midnight Meat Train, Garfield 2 (voice), The Condemned, X-Men 3, She’s The Man, EuroTrip, Tooth, The Big Bounce, Mean Machine, Swordfish, Snatch, Gone In 60 Seconds, Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
  • Jason Barry: Mirrormask, Beyond Re-Animator, Titanic (1997), The Last of the High Kings
  • Nora-Jane Noone: Beyond The Rave (TV), The Descent 2, Doomsday, Coronation Street (TV), The Descent, The Magdalene Sisters
  • Amy Huberman: The Stag, The Clinic (TV)
  • Michael Collins: King of the Travellers, Strength and Honour, Pavee Lackeen
  • Adam Fogerty: Legend (2015), Bait (2015), Plastic, Love’s Kitchen, Snatch
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