2 out of 10
Release Date: 16th January 2016 (DVD Premiere)
Director: Nic Auerbach (The Big I Am)
Cast: Robert Fucilla, Danny Webb, Sarah Armstrong, Jonathan Rhodes, Jody Halse, Jack Brady, Dean Bardini, John Davis, Isabelle Allen with Nicky Evans and Patrick Ryecart
Writer: Bo Bickle & David Marconi
Trailer: THE CONTRACT
The Contract sees the return of no-budget cinema’s Little Bighorn aka Robert Fucilla (MERCENARIES). He’s the London financier that bought himself an acting career but forgot to actually buy any lessons. He’s been away from the spotlight for a few years now and based on the evidence here, he hasn’t been practicing his acting skills anywhere near as much as he should have been. If anything, the break has caused him to present his worst performance to date. At best Robert Fucilla is a bland try-hard. Here he’s expected to be a figurehead of our sympathy as he tries to navigate the worst day of his life. If only the writers had given him a character with half a brain.
By contrast the wonderful Danny Webb (ALIEN 3) plays the bad guy. It’s almost as if he got tired of playing puffed-up walk in roles in real films and he wanted to find a role where he could shout and scream every line. Sadly, the film is badly written, plotted by amnesiacs and about as entertaining as being duffed up by flatulent old people.
So to the bat shit stupid plot – billionaire (ROBERT FUCILLA) turns up at his mansion to find out that it’s been overrun with squatters. One of the new residents is an amnesiac (SARAH ARMSTRONG) who’s on the run because she’s stolen some cash from her boss. Coincidentally, the money transpires to be a down payment for an assassination. Who’s the target? Who’s the killer? Who’s ordered the contract? Who farted?
Less baggy but way less fun than the hard going the director Nic Auerbach’s The Big I Am, this staggers from scene to scene like a drunk. Annoyingly our main characters are the type of people who put themselves in harm’s way as they are escaping. As small as Fucilla is, he’s crap at hide and seek in this film. He who could hide safely behind a pot noodle yet he keeps on getting caught and escaping repeatedly from the baddies. Danny Webb is holding Sarah Armstrong’s daughter and him and his gang act like a low-rent tribute to Dennis Hopper’s Frank Booth from Blue Velvet. Danny Webb even has a penchant for playing back messages on his phone again and again, a little like Booth’s love of dictaphones. Unfortunately, most films like this are wrapped up in about 75 minutes. The Contract is nearly 100 minutes long. In a few words it was really too much to ask anybody to sit through this boring shite for that long.
With a few more pounds to spend than your average non-film, The Contract still manages to look and feel like amateur hour and that’s largely down to casting Robert Fucilla in a lead that’s expected to carry the whole film on his back. He just looks vexed, foxed, he hits’ things and shouts FUCK a lot. Next time he’s got to spend his millions on a script writer and three years at a theatre school for gnomes who like hair gel.
2 out of 10 – Fucilla, you suck. He’s so wooden he could play the titular scare donor in Robert The Doll 3.
WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?
- Robert Fucilla: The Magnificent Eleven, Mercenaries, Pimp, The Big I Am, Shank
- Danny Webb: Residue, A Little Chaos, Locke (voice), Ironclad 2, Hummingbird, The Arbor, Valkyrie, Shiner, Still Crazy, True Blue, Alien 3, Brookside (TV)
- Nicky Evans: Shameless (TV), Before Dawn, Emmerdale (TV)
- Patrick Ryecart: Poldark (TV), Parting Shots, The High Life (TV), Trainer (TV), Twenty-One, Dr Who (TV), Silver Dream Racer