1 out of 10
Release Date: 13th June 2016 (DVD Premiere)
Director: Liam Galvin (Killer Bitch)
Cast: Yvette Rowland, Robin Reid, Leslie Grantham, Robert Pereno, Jeff Stewart, Jason Marriner, Jess Conrad, Claire Toeman, Vidal Sancho, Holly Gibbs, Jon Campling, Cass Pennant, Lucy Drive, Richard Lawrence, Robin Kermode, Lucinda Rhodes and Chris Ellison with Cathy Tyson, Danniella Westbrook, Charlie Bronson (voice) with Lysette Anthony and Dave Courtney
Writer: Liam Galvin
Trailer: MOB HANDED
To mark the sad occasion of leaving Europe today, I will write a review for Mob Handed. Britain better get used to it but all our films are going to be like this from now on. Screeching like a hysterical tabloid we have another vigilante flick from the makers of Killer Bitch. What’s scary is this is actually attempts to say something worthwhile about the treatment of paedophiles in the UK by the government. The makers of Mob Handed think they’re speaking for all us when they say offenders should be killed by the public in various disgusting ways. I won’t go on record and say I support this, but I do also despair at the way child molesters are treated with by the law (too lightly). Tackling this conundrum as an exploitation flick that no MP will ever see is about like preaching to the choir. It’s also over the top, gratuitous and largely insensitive in it’s portrayal of victims of sex crime – male, female, old and young.
The film follows the progress of a dandy paedo called The Nonce (ROBERT PERENO – BILLY THE KID AND THE GREEN BAIZE VAMPIRE) as he rapes underage school girls. One is even chased into the woods accompanied (not to a scary orchestral score) but a Status Quo-like rocker song as if inviting us to get in on the act as comedy. Investigating journalist, The Journalist (YVETTE ROWLAND – KILLER BITCH) is on the case until her daughter (HOLLY GIBBS – THE STORY OF TRACEY BEAKER) gets raped then has her head sawn off in front of her by The Nonce. She reaches out to a crack team of vigilantes led by a renegade MP with an appetite for dirty sex (CLARE TOEMAN), The Executioner (ROBIN REID – KILLER BITCH) and Jason (JASON MARRINER – KILLER BITCH). They start a war against The Nonce and stumble on a conspiracy that unveils a ring of paedos at the top of the government – here represented by 60’s singer Jess Conrad (THE GREAT ROCK N ROLL SWINDLE) as The Judge.
And so it goes from one tatty scene to the next. It’s a little bit more ‘finished’ than Killer Bitch but a lot less fun, as this film is shouting at you LOOK THIS IS BAD, THIS IS WRONG, IF WE WERE IN POWER WE’D DO THIS AND YOU THINK THE SAME. If you don’t YOU MUST BE A KIDDIE FIDDLER TOO! It’s right-winger heaven. A bunch of ex-crims turn up for duty again, this time Cass Pennant is The Chauffeur and has no lines (or was I asleep), Dave Courtney (KILLER BITCH) enjoys himself in the only awesome scene as the Tank Killer. Which would have been more at home in Killer Bitch. Pity the talented Jeff Stewart (THE BILL) who was the sole reason to watch The Bill (as Reg Hollis) who overacts and is a hollow shell of his former glory. Someone get him another great role on a good telly show. Fellow TV actors like Lysette Anthony (KRULL), Chris Ellison (THE BILL) and Leslie Grantham (EASTENDERS) actually bother to act, but its no use – they are both wiped off stage by the appalling Yvette Rowland. The script is tabloid stupid, it’s ridiculously self-righteous one minute, then a retrograde exploitationer the next. I think the director was drunk, because everything is slapdash and rushed and it shows. The camera man was drinking from the same bottle too, as I think they just showed a passerby how to switch on one and got him to hold it follow the action (roughly).
Like I said, now we’ve left the EU, expect all our films to be like this. Flapping lips and pointing fingers and getting angry when we don’t agree with their right wing ways. The only good thing is that none of the paedos were played by immigrants! It does have poetry by Charlie Bronson in it though… Yeah!
1 out of 10 – Filmed in Turd-0-vision for the brainless. This has a real contempt for it’s audience, as it boils complex issues down to the very basics. Makes Killer Bitch look like a delicious prospect.
Second review below by Matt Usher
WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?
- Yvette Rowland: Killer Bitch
- Robin Reid: Killer Bitch
- Leslie Grantham: The Bill (TV), Eastenders (TV), Charlie, Lava, The Wedding Tackle, Dr Who (TV)
- Robert Pereno: Billy The Kid and the Green Baize Vampire, X-Tro
- Jeff Stewart: The Bill (TV), Dr Who (TV)
- Jason Marriner: Killer Bitch
- Jess Conrad: The Punk and The Princess, The Great Rock n’ Roll Swindle, Konga
- Vidal Sancho: The Botticelli Murders, Brash Young Turks
- Holly Gibbs: Love’s Kitchen, The Story of Tracey Beaker (TV), Nanny McPhee
- Jon Campling: Room To Die For, The London Firm, Narcopolis, The Curse of the Witching Tree, Dead End (2013), Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – part 1
- Cass Pennant: What’s The Score?, The Hooligan Factory, Svengali, Killer Bitch
- Lucy Drive: Jurassic School, House of Evil, Reich of the Dead, The Crypt, Full English Breakfast, He Who Dares, Vendetta, Dead End (2013), Outside Bet
- Richard Lawrence: Doomsday (2015), Hollyoaks (TV)
- Lucinda Rhodes: No Reasons, K-Shop, Essex Vendetta
- Chris Ellison: We Still Die The Old Way, Tango One, We Still Steal The Old Way, Bonded By Blood 2, We Still Kill The Old Way, Basement, Bonded By Blood, The Bill (TV), Buster
- Cathy Tyson: Grange Hill (TV), Band of Gold (TV), Priest (1994), The Serpent and The Rainbow, Mona Lisa
- Danniella Westbrook: Essex Vendetta, Hollyoaks (TV), Eastenders (TV), Frank Stubbs (TV)
- Lysette Anthony: We Still Die The Old Way, We Still Steal The Old Way We Still Kill The Old Way, Strippers vs. Werewolves, Dracula – Dead and Loving It, Look Who’s Talking Now, Dr Jekyll & Ms Hyde, The Hour Of The Pig, Husbands and Wives, The Pleasure Principle,Three Up Two Down (TV) Krull
- Dave Courtney: Gatwick Gangsters, Gangsters Gamblers and Geezers, Looters Tooters and Sawn Off Shooters, Full English Breakfast, The Estate, SIx Bend Trap, Killer Bitch, Triads Yardies and Onion Bhajees, The Baby Juice Express, Hell To Pay