1 out of 10

Release Date: 13th June 2016 (DVD Premiere)

Director: Liam Galvin (Killer Bitch)

Cast: Yvette Rowland, Robin Reid, Leslie Grantham, Robert Pereno, Jeff Stewart, Jason Marriner, Jess Conrad, Claire Toeman, Vidal Sancho, Holly Gibbs, Jon Campling, Cass Pennant, Lucy Drive, Richard Lawrence, Robin Kermode, Lucinda Rhodes and Chris Ellison with Cathy Tyson, Danniella Westbrook, Charlie Bronson (voice) with Lysette Anthony and Dave Courtney

Writer: Liam Galvin



To mark the sad occasion of leaving Europe today, I will write a review for Mob Handed. Britain better get used to it but all our films are going to be like this from now on. Screeching like a hysterical tabloid we have another vigilante flick from the makers of Killer Bitch. What’s scary is this is actually attempts to say something worthwhile about the treatment of paedophiles in the UK by the government. The makers of Mob Handed think they’re speaking for all us when they say offenders should be killed by the public in various disgusting ways. I won’t go on record and say I support this, but I do also despair at the way child molesters are treated with by the law (too lightly).  Tackling this conundrum as an exploitation flick that no MP will ever see is about like preaching to the choir. It’s also over the top, gratuitous and largely insensitive in it’s portrayal of victims of sex crime – male, female, old and young.

The film follows the progress of a dandy paedo called The Nonce (ROBERT PERENO – BILLY THE KID AND THE GREEN BAIZE VAMPIRE) as he rapes underage school girls.  One is even chased into the woods accompanied (not to a scary orchestral score) but a Status Quo-like rocker song as if inviting us to get in on the act as comedy. Investigating journalist, The Journalist (YVETTE ROWLAND – KILLER BITCH) is on the case until her daughter (HOLLY GIBBS –  THE STORY OF TRACEY BEAKER) gets raped then has her head sawn off in front of her by The Nonce.  She reaches out to a crack team of vigilantes led by a renegade MP with an appetite for dirty sex (CLARE TOEMAN), The Executioner (ROBIN REID – KILLER BITCH) and Jason (JASON MARRINER – KILLER BITCH). They start a war against The Nonce and stumble on a conspiracy that unveils a ring of paedos at the top of the government – here represented by 60’s singer Jess Conrad  (THE GREAT ROCK N ROLL SWINDLE) as The Judge.

And so it goes from one tatty scene to the next. It’s a little bit more ‘finished’ than Killer Bitch but a lot less fun, as this film is shouting at you LOOK THIS IS BAD, THIS IS WRONG, IF WE WERE IN POWER WE’D DO THIS AND YOU THINK THE SAME. If you don’t YOU MUST BE  A KIDDIE FIDDLER TOO!  It’s right-winger heaven. A bunch of ex-crims turn up for duty again, this time Cass Pennant is The Chauffeur and has no lines (or was I asleep), Dave Courtney (KILLER BITCH) enjoys himself in the only awesome scene as the Tank Killer. Which would have been more at home in Killer Bitch. Pity the talented Jeff Stewart (THE BILL) who was the sole reason to watch The Bill (as Reg Hollis) who overacts and is a hollow shell of his former glory. Someone get him another great role on a good telly show. Fellow TV actors like Lysette Anthony (KRULL), Chris Ellison (THE BILL) and Leslie Grantham (EASTENDERS) actually bother to act, but its no use – they are both wiped off stage by the appalling Yvette Rowland. The script is tabloid stupid, it’s ridiculously self-righteous one minute, then a retrograde exploitationer the next. I think the director was drunk, because everything is slapdash and rushed and it shows. The camera man was drinking from the same bottle too, as I think they just showed a passerby how to switch on one and got him to hold it follow the action (roughly).

Like I said, now we’ve left the EU, expect all our films to be like this. Flapping lips and pointing fingers and getting angry when we don’t agree with their right wing ways. The only good thing is that none of the paedos were played by immigrants! It does have poetry by Charlie Bronson in it though… Yeah!

1 out of 10 – Filmed in Turd-0-vision for the brainless. This has a real contempt for it’s audience, as it boils complex issues down to the very basics. Makes Killer Bitch look like a delicious prospect.

Second review below by Matt Usher






One thought on “MOB HANDED

  1. Review by Matt Usher

    From the makers of loopy porno/wrestling comedy KILLER BITCH comes the mock-serious anti-paedophile anti-establishment pro-vigilante MOB HANDED, a film so mind-stunningly cretinous that you’ll happily extract your brain with a blunt spoon whilst watching it. KILLER BITCH was a dizzyingly delirious display of dazzlingly debauched derangement. MOB HANDED is a much more sinister affair. In a bad way.

    Recently I raged about the lack of rage in the film AAAAAAAAH!, a film which should have satirized the current political chaos Britain is in thanks to the Vote Leave dingbats. Bizarrely MOB HANDED says a great deal about the subject (of rage, not EU membership, though I suspect the film would have voted out) and is even a not entirely inaccurate distorting mirror of British public opinion. It even, depressingly, eerily, anticipates one recent event in public life.

    Yvette Rowland plays a wannabe glamorous version of Jeremy Kyle who makes prurient TV shows about child abuse. But she’s getting too near to The Truth! And The Truth is The Establishment exists to make child abuse easy for posh people! So The Establishment rapes / murders her daughter then frames her for something or other. But then justice is done by the people for the people somehow but I didn’t understand that bit. And Jason Marriner shoots lots of people at random who may or may not be paedophiles because that’s the best way to deal with paedoscum™.

    Robin Reid is reunited with Rowland – presumably the hot on-screen chemistry between these two in KILLER BITCH is the reason for this sizzling reunion. There’s a lot of sarcasm in that previous sentence. Reid plays The Executioner, and is the campest paedophile-eradicator you can imagine – Larry Grayson would’ve been scarier. He’s given leads to paedophiles by The MP, a crusading parliamentarian who thinks the system is corrupt. The MP is murdered for her trouble; the parallel with the recent murder of the humanitarian MP Jo Cox, although coincidental is unnerving, particularly as this is such a bargain basement dumb revenge fantasy for particularly thick morons.

    The MP, like The Executioner, is unnamed. Perhaps the film is attempting a form of universality by using titles rather than names. Hence we have The Cabinet Minister, The Judge, The Ex Husband, The Victim, The Solicitor. Or maybe the film-makers couldn’t be bothered to come up with character names. Maybe if the characters had been named then the actors might’ve been able to breathe a little life into them. Somehow, I doubt it.

    Bizarrely, this monstrosity has attracted a number of name actors. I hope they were paid huge sums (and I hope none of them thought they were making some sort of artistic statement): Leslie Grantham, Cathy Tyson, a couple of The Bill stars (Jeff Stewart as The Ex Husband who speechifies in long paragraphs of self-righteous Daily Express-style indignation, and Chris Ellison who mumbles apathetically), and even Jess Conrad (to be honest I don’t really know who he is). Lysette Anthony has a cameo as The Solicitor. For all of 95 seconds (and yes, she was the only reason I watched the damn thing).

    Whereas KILLER BITCH had a Scrappy-Doo-like energy and innocence (despite the numerous prostitute murders), MOB HANDED is altogether nastier, both in content and intent. It’s a film which proclaims it is ‘Dedicated to the victims of sexual abuse’. By ‘dedicated’ I think they mean ‘this film has merrily filleted the more scandalous newspapers for salacious stories of sexual depravity and has sadistically used them for entertainment purposes of a fairly base nature’. The film is happy to namecheck Soham (a tribute no doubt) but even happier when salivating over descriptions of perversity.

    It might have helped if the film-makers had done any research (copy and pasting from Daily Mail Online doesn’t count). Or if they’d donated to charity. Or if the story had any semblance of reality, or even movie-reality. Or if the film bothered to confront any actual issue. Instead we have Pub-Bore-Film-Making taken to a bewildering level: the scene where an alleged paedophile is stashed in the boot of a car which is then squashed by a tank must have originated from a pub rant. Yes, that’s surely the way to honour victims.

    It’s more disciplined than KILLER BITCH, where the film-makers filmed whatever came into their heads. MOB HANDED pretends to have a social agenda. Fortunately it doesn’t know what it is (it might be: vigilantes are good; or possibly: the best way to deal with paedoscum™ is to round up a bunch of real-life ex-convicts and put them in a polemical film which gives them a sense of moral rectitude and ideological purity and a chance to reclaim crime from The Establishment and return it to the criminal classes (the cast includes at least one killer, two hooligans, a gangster, an armed robber (performing an eccentric poetic voiceover) and two alleged perverts (though that Reg Hollis bondage thing was entirely legal))).

    MOB HANDED is drivel of the lowest order and would struggle to entertain a lobotomised psychopathic prawn. But somehow, despite, or possibly because, it’s a bedraggled, tedious, amateurish waste of time, it’s also a surprisingly accurate index of the Britain we’re currently stranded in: one where nuance goes by the wayside, violence is deemed desirable, retribution is best dished out by convicted criminals, evidence is a distraction, thought is pompous drivel, and truth is in the eye of the beholder. As we hurtle towards the certainties of extreme right or extreme left demagogues whilst searching for innocents to blame, it’s inevitable that films will emerge, such as this one, which are sordid pools of moral reductionism and squalid stupidity. This is a cynical film which happily exploits child abuse for fun and then has the gall to pretend to care. Or, to put it another way, the producers are only too happy there are people raping children because it makes great material for a potentially controversial (and therefore money-spinning) film.

    Makes you ashamed to be British.

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