THE HAUNTING OF ANNIE DYER

 0.5 out of 10

Release Date: 26th September 2016 (DVD Premiere)

Director: Georg E. Lewis (aka Steve Lawson) (Essex Heist / Footsoldier / Killer/Saurus / The Silencer)

Cast: Raven Lee, Jonathan Hansler, June Bladon, Toni Lou Frost and Steven Dolton

Writer: Steve Lawson

Trailer: THE HAUNTING OF ANNIE DYER

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Director / writer Steve Lawson and his partners must be trying to crack their way into the soft-porn industry. I actually think they’ve tricked me into watching a super-natural take on Electric Blue. The badly dubbed, perfunctory script, terrible acting and very lazy plot only serves to confirm my fears. If it’s not a soft porn film then what we have instead is probably the biggest show of contempt for a movie watching audience committed to video ever. It’s shockingly bad.

Every plot point is telegraphed and the pace is very slow. The tone is wobbly, jumping from high comedy to dopey horror shenanigans in seconds. Firstly let’s take a look at the plot. Annie Dyer (RAVEN LEE) is a big breasted brunette with the acting skills of a constipated budgie. She’s drawn to a flat, so rents it from pervy Mr Fitz (JONATHAN HANSLER – ART ACHE) who’s too busy doing a reprise of his manic comedy turn from f*ck-awful Axed to know he’s in a horror. Unfortunately, immediately after moving in, she gets plagued by a haunted cup, then whenever she gets undressed her kitchen cupboards start to giggle and make comic horror laughter, then electric smoke billows around the flat. These effects only serve to obscure Annie Dyer’s nipples and furry bits. She then calls in a very docile supernatural expert who may hold the key to the ghost mystery. Just who is haunting Annie? And why is she now in a mental hospital being questioned by rent-a-plank Steve Dolton (ROBERT 2)? The plot conveniently solves unknowable twists with lazy conceits even the writers of The X-Files or Dallas never dared to.  No, I won’t spoil the ending, but you’ll see it coming in the prelude. Yes, really, this film is made by twonks for twonks.

The nudity seems to have been included because the director wanted to see some trim for himself. A convoluted way to see some boobs by making a film filmed with soft-porn actresses and models. Without getting personal against people I’ve never met, the film does like it’s been cast with escort girls, plus Hansler and Dolton.

The laughing kitchen cupboards will make your jaw hit the floor in disbelief, but at least someone made use of the old BBC prop department from the ’80s. Steve Lawson looks like he’s rescued the talking kitchen furniture from The Young Ones. Good one him. Maybe he can employ SPG for his next film instead of Raven Lee.

There’s nothing good about this film except for the score. The music is actually fit for purpose, atmospheric and suited a way better horror film. Shame its used to wallpaper this very poor excuse for entertainment.

Message to the director: Please make a sequel to The Silencer Steve, all will be forgiven. Where’s Glenn Salvage when you need him?

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0.25 out of 10 – One of the worst films I’ve ever seen and I’ve been the editor of Britpic for 4 years now and seen a lot of sh*t. This makes the directors homemade debut The Silencer look like an epic masterpiece of film wizardry.

Another review by Matt The Flusher Usher is below

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

ALLEYCATS

4 out of 10

REVIEW COMING SOON

Release Date: 5th September 2016 (DVD Premiere)

Director: Ian Bonhote

Cast: Eleanor Tomlinson, Sam Keeley, John Lynch, Frederick Schmidt, Virgile Bramly, Hera Hilmar, Jordan Stephens, Juan Cely, Camilla Rutherford, Sonoya Mizuno with Josh Whitehouse and John Hannah

Writer: Max Kinnings and Simon Uttley

Trailer: ALLEYCATS

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

  • Eleanor Tomlinson: Loving Vincent, Poldark (TV), Death Comes To Pemberly (TV), The White Queen (TV), Jack The Giant Slayer, Angus Thongs and Perfect Snogging
  • Sam Keeley: The Siege of Jadotville, Anthropoid,  AfterDeath, Burnt, Monsters 2, What Richard Did, This Is The Place
  • John Lynch: Pilgrimage, Detour, ScintillaPrivate PeacefulThe Hot PotatoGhosted13HRsBlack DeathThe Tournament, Holy Waters, Isolation, Sliding Doors, Best, This Is The Sea, Some Mother’s Son, Moll Flanders (1996),  Nothing Personal, The Secret Of Roan Inish, Angel Baby, The Secret Garden (1993), In The Name Of The Father, Princess Caraboo, Edward II, Hardware, Cal
  • Frederick Schmidt: Brimstone, Snow In Paradise, Starred Up
  • Virgile Bramly: The Model, Manderlay
  • Hera Hilmar: Da Vinci’s Demons (TV), Get Santa, We Are The Freaks
  • Jordan Stephens: Access All Areas, Glue (TV)
  • Camilla Rutherford: The Edge of Love, The Darjeeling Limited, Rome (TV), Land of the Blind, Vanity Fair (2004), Gosford Park
  • Sonoya Mizuno: Anhilation, La La Land, High Strung, Ex-Machina
  • Josh Whitehouse: Modern Life Is Rubbish, Northern Soul, Living On The Edge (TV)
  • John Hannah: Genesis, Bone In The Throat, Agents of SHIELD (TV),  Shooting For Socrates, Angel (2015), The Christmas Candle, The Wee Man, The Mummy 3, Before You Go, Rebus (TV), The Mummy 2, Circus, The Hurricane, McCallum (TV), Resurrection Man, Sliding Doors, The Mummy, The James Gang, The Innocent Sleep, Madagascar Skin, Four Weddings and a Funeral

SURVIVORS (2015)

3.5 out of 10

Release Date: 26th October 2015 (DVD Premiere)

Director: Adam J Spinks (Extinction – Jurassic Predators)

Cast: Joanne Gale, David Anderson, Simon Burbage and Adrian Annis

Writer: Adam J Spinks & Lawrence Timms

Trailer: SURVIVORS (2015)

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A reasonable attempt at a no-budget zombie flick that is a cut above the rest because plot momentum is kept. Well-performed in the main by two of the three leads, its certainly an improvement on the majority of z-grade apocalypse movies. The camera man seems to be strong enough to hold the camera steady, the editor seems to know what he’s doing and there are some interesting supporting characters in the mix.

Joanne Gale’s Reporter stumbles on a government conspiracy to keep an ongoing outbreak of a virsu that turns everybody into mind less killers. She contacts her exboyfriend, Duke (SIMON BURBAGE – KNIGHTS OF THE DAMNED) to be her camera man. He annoys the hell out of her before they literally spilt up. Then in a later parallel story, Joanne is paired off with a mysterious man called Michael – the slightly wooden David Anderson (ADULT LIFE SKILLS) – who may have something to do with the virus. In parallel storylines both duos set off across England trying to survive.

Some scenes work better than others, depending on the supporting actor wheeled in to run the scene. Are they friend or foe? etc. The unknown Adrian Annis impresses the most as a muddled-up thug who’s gone past the point of return. The music and the locations are generally good as well for this kind of thing.

So whilst Survivors is far from brilliant, it’s at least watchable and once it ditches the annoying ‘found-footage’ framing after 15 minutes it begins to become more and more involving. You even begin to get used to Anderson’s weird non-acting style. Its the closest thing to a middle of the road zombie flick I’ve ever seen because it has no original ideas but it accomplishes more than the average low-grade zombie flick by concentrating on the characters and their predicaments and the gore and zombies are kept on the fringes, seen all too fleeting until it’s too late. Not a bad debut.

3.5 out of 10 – Above average, no budget flick made in the main by wanna-bes and amateurs.

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

ROBERT 2 – THE CURSE OF ROBERT

1.5 out of 10

Release Date: 12th September 2016 (DVD Premiere)

Director: Andrew Jones (The Toymaker / The Exorcism of Anna Ecklund / Robert / Conjuring The Dead / The Haunting At The Rectory / Poltergeist Activity / The Last House on Cemetery Lane  / Theatre of Fear  / Amityville Asylum)

Writer: Andrew Jones

Cast: Tiffany Ceri, Jason Homewood, Steven Dolton, Nigel Barber, Chris Bell, Clare Gollop, Christopher Hale, Richard Burman with Lee Bane and Suzie Frances Garton

Trailer: ROBERT 2

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By rights the first film about the cursed killer doll Robert the Doll should have been ridiculous. But it contained good performances and some effective chills. This sequel should be filed along side Nightmare On Elm Street 2 in the shit sequel box.

Robert the Doll gets stolen out of a police evidence box and sold to an evil American museum owner keen on making lots of money from people wanting to get a glimpse of the legend. Once Robert is installed he goes on a killing rampage pinning the blame on a glamorous Mrs Mop, Tiffany Ceri (THEATRE OF FEAR). Different cops get on the case only to be saddled with straight out the cliched cop box dialogue. Steven Dolton (THE HAUNTING OF ANNIE DYER) and Chris Bell (RISE OF THE FOOTSOLDIER 3) as the hapless cops are wasted and its sad to see them strait jacketed by director / writer Andrew Jones’ crappiest script yet. Tiffany Ceri, who impressed in previous Jones’ films is given a real plank of an actor to work opposite – step forward first timer Jason Homewood who is more wooden than the doll.  What the film lacks is Lee Bane (THE TOYMAKER) – who was killed in the first film. He pops up here in a new role at the end, in the films only strange / good scene.  By showing us a film without him, actually shows us how much he improves the material he’s been given in past Jones’ movies. An official spin-off called The Toymaker is next off the conveyor belt, so look out as Robert might be back.

Back to this film which is set in the worst excuse for a museum I’ve ever seen. Does it really exist as the exhibits seemed to consist of a few dummies and a fake shop? At least the director turns the lights off in this movie and attempts to create an atmosphere, but unfortunately the film is a massive blunt instrument. There’s no build up, as Robert just hops out of his display case and kills everyone without any preamble. In the first film there was a lot of smoke & mirrors, we never saw the doll move for the longest time. Here he’s a fully animated psycho. So creepiness adds up to zero and it’s about as scary as Chuggington.  Oh yeah, the film score is very bad too. Very bad.

We’ve caught Andrew Jones’ and co. on a serious ‘off’ day, so let’s see if they can make a comeback. It needs to happen, hopefully with Lee Bane back in the lead role to give some gravity to proceedings.

1.5 out of 10 – Very poor, lazy and pointless sequel that just seems like a set up for The Toymaker.

Another review below by Matt Usher

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

KIDS IN LOVE

3.5 out of 10

REVIEW COMING SOON

Release Date: 26th August 2016

Director: Chris Foggin

Cast: Will Poulter, Alma Jodorowsky, Sebastian De Souza, Cara Delevingne, Preston Thompson, Gala Gordon, Pip Torrens, Geraldine Somerville, Robert Portal, Jack Fox and Jamie Blackley

Writer: Sebastian De Souza & Preston Thompson

Trailer: KIDS IN LOVE

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

I AM HOOLIGAN

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1.5 out of 10

Release Date: 5th September 2016 (DVD Premiere)

Director: Steven M Smith (Haunted 5 / Haunted 4 / Haunted 3 / Haunted 2 / Borstal / Invasion Earth / Essex Boys – Law of Survival / Hooligans At War / Haunted (2013))

Cast: Darren James King, Chris Bell, Ryan Regis, Mark Wingett, Sharon Lawrence, Katie Alexander-Thom, Steve North, David Beck, Marcel Dorian, Mat Holt, Mark Sears, Sarah Rose Denton, Tony Fadil, Ian Hawke, Jemima Slade, Steven M Smith with Ben-Loyd Holmes and Jon-Paul Gates

Trailer: I AM HOOLIGAN

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I Am Hooligan has one thing going for it. It’s not an Essex Boys movie. Actually make that two things, it actually contains scenes of hooliganism (unlike most films with the ‘H’ word in the title).  Otherwise, I’m sad to report this is another thrown together bag of film offal. It’s a mixed bag of terrible scripting, uneven acting, basic plotting, bad grading, bad editing, a random clown, and inappropriate musical interludes. For once, the best aspect is the narration. Usually, narration doesn’t work, because it isn’t needed. In I Am Hooligan, at least there’s been some attempt to let the audiences see inside the hero’s confused head.

Justin’s (DARREN JAMES KING – INVASION EARTH) only friend Eddie (CHRIS BELL – HAUNTED 2) is a bit of a bore who’s always nagging at him to do better in life. When Kevin (RYAN REGIS) and his bunch of mates take him to the pub it turns out he’s got the right stuff when it comes to a tear up. When the gang decide to test Justin’s true mettle one night they trick him into attacking Eddie in an alley. This is when the wheels come off Justin’s descent in the a life of thugdom. But is it already too late? Is he doomed to lead a violent life? On top of all of this, his Dad (MARK WINGETT – THE BILL) is duffing up his Mum (SHARON LAWRENCE) every day and he’s got to stop it.

As basic as that sounds there’s still some confusing elements as opera music stalks our characters as they walk around the Thamesmead Estate, there are loose connections to A Clockwork Orange with scenes recreated and references come thick and fast. Look out for the glasses of milk, and the extended tableau in the milk bar, and then there’s the wonderfully bonkers cameo by Jon-Paul Gates (HAUNTED 2) as an assassin who’s walked straight out of an Twin Peaks audition – that’s my favourite bit. The main actors are OK but hamstrung by sub-Simon and The Witch level dialogue. The word ‘c*nt’ is shouted out and over emphasisesd at every opportunity and it gave me a head ache (poor me!). Poor Chris Bell is saddled with a duffer of a role, thrown in as Justin’s conscience and guardian angel he’s just an over moralising bore, with repetitive dialogue and he’s probably to blame for Justin’s transformation if you think about it. Elsewhere, Ryan Regis as Kevin is a terrible actor, and with such a dominant role he almost single handedly ruins the film, but even without him it would be a toxic turd.

Scenes are badly lit and mastered, and it’s another botch it and scarper job by Steve M Smith & Chris Bell. There’s no signs of improvement from their last flick Essex Boys – Law of Survival and it’s a bad thing if Steve M Smith’s earlier Haunted (2013) currently leads the way pointwise here at Britpic.wordpress, as that was pretty shonky.

1.5 out of 10 – Very slim pickings from Steve M Smith and Chris Bell. It’s very dopey, badly made, laughably sincere, tonally unsure and unintentionally funny.

Read below for another review

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

TAKE DOWN

3 out of 10

REVIEW COMING SOON

Release date: 29th August 2016

Director: Jim Gillespie (I Know What You Did Last Summer)

Cast: Jeremy Sumpter, Phoebe Tonkin, Ed Westwick, Ashley Walters, Dominic Sherwood, Julia Ragnarsson, Max Deacon, Mark Bonnar, Simon Merrells, Elliott Knight, Liam McMahon, Thulissa Taixiera, Yuho Yamashita, Umar Malik, Hari Dhillon, Tracy Ifeachor, Sara Stewart with Robert Cavanah and Sebastian Koch

Writer: Alexander Ignon

Trailer: TAKE DOWN

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

  • Jeremy Sumpter: Into The Storm, Friday Night Lights (TV), Peter Pan (2003), Frailty
  • Phoebe Tonkin: The Vampire Diaries (TV), Bait (2012), Home and Away (TV), Tomorrow When The War Began
  • Ed Westwick: Bone In The Throat, Romeo & Juliet (2013), J Edgar, Chalet Girl, Son Of Rambow, Gossip Girl (TV)
  • Ashley Walters: Cuffs (TV), Montana, Top Boy (TV), All Stars, St. George’s Day, AnuvaHoodDemons Never DieSket, Speed Racer, Life and Lyrics, Get Rich Or Die Tryin’, Goal, Stormchaser– Alex Rider, Bullet Boy
  • Dominic Sherwood: Shadowhunters (TV), Vampire Academy, The Cut (TV)
  • Julia Ragnarsson: The Bridge (TV)
  • Max Deacon: Tommy’s Honour, The Call Up, Into The Storm, Summer In February, I Anna
  • Mark Bonnar: X Moor, Camera Trap, Shetland (TV), Line of Duty (TV), Psychoville (TV), The Bill (TV), Casualty (TV), Holby City (TV)
  • Simon Merrells: Victrix, Judas Ghost, Spartacus (TV), Family Affairs (TV), Mersey Beat (TV), London’s Burning (TV)
  • Elliott Knight: American Gothic (TV), Sinbad (TV)
  • Liam McMahon: Titanic (TV), Hunger
  • Yuho Yamashita: The Forest
  • Hari Dhillon: Holby City (TV)
  • Sara Stewart: The Face of an Angel, Sugar Rush (TV), Rebus (TV) Drop The Dead Donkey (TV)
  • Robert Cavanah: The London Firm, Assassin (2015), Fall of the Essex BoysPimp, The Royal (TV), Doctors (TV), Eastenders (TV)
  • Sebastian Koch: Homeland (TV),  The Danish Girl, Bridge of Spies, Die Hard 5, Albatross, Unknown (2011), Black Book, The Lives Of Others, Flirt