0.5 out of 10
Release Date: 26th September 2016 (DVD Premiere)
Cast: Raven Lee, Jonathan Hansler, June Bladon, Toni Lou Frost and Steven Dolton
Writer: Steve Lawson
Trailer: THE HAUNTING OF ANNIE DYER
Director / writer Steve Lawson and his partners must be trying to crack their way into the soft-porn industry. I actually think they’ve tricked me into watching a super-natural take on Electric Blue. The badly dubbed, perfunctory script, terrible acting and very lazy plot only serves to confirm my fears. If it’s not a soft porn film then what we have instead is probably the biggest show of contempt for a movie watching audience committed to video ever. It’s shockingly bad.
Every plot point is telegraphed and the pace is very slow. The tone is wobbly, jumping from high comedy to dopey horror shenanigans in seconds. Firstly let’s take a look at the plot. Annie Dyer (RAVEN LEE) is a big breasted brunette with the acting skills of a constipated budgie. She’s drawn to a flat, so rents it from pervy Mr Fitz (JONATHAN HANSLER – ART ACHE) who’s too busy doing a reprise of his manic comedy turn from f*ck-awful Axed to know he’s in a horror. Unfortunately, immediately after moving in, she gets plagued by a haunted cup, then whenever she gets undressed her kitchen cupboards start to giggle and make comic horror laughter, then electric smoke billows around the flat. These effects only serve to obscure Annie Dyer’s nipples and furry bits. She then calls in a very docile supernatural expert who may hold the key to the ghost mystery. Just who is haunting Annie? And why is she now in a mental hospital being questioned by rent-a-plank Steve Dolton (ROBERT 2)? The plot conveniently solves unknowable twists with lazy conceits even the writers of The X-Files or Dallas never dared to. No, I won’t spoil the ending, but you’ll see it coming in the prelude. Yes, really, this film is made by twonks for twonks.
The nudity seems to have been included because the director wanted to see some trim for himself. A convoluted way to see some boobs by making a film filmed with soft-porn actresses and models. Without getting personal against people I’ve never met, the film does like it’s been cast with escort girls, plus Hansler and Dolton.
The laughing kitchen cupboards will make your jaw hit the floor in disbelief, but at least someone made use of the old BBC prop department from the ’80s. Steve Lawson looks like he’s rescued the talking kitchen furniture from The Young Ones. Good one him. Maybe he can employ SPG for his next film instead of Raven Lee.
There’s nothing good about this film except for the score. The music is actually fit for purpose, atmospheric and suited a way better horror film. Shame its used to wallpaper this very poor excuse for entertainment.
Message to the director: Please make a sequel to The Silencer Steve, all will be forgiven. Where’s Glenn Salvage when you need him?
0.25 out of 10 – One of the worst films I’ve ever seen and I’ve been the editor of Britpic for 4 years now and seen a lot of sh*t. This makes the directors homemade debut The Silencer look like an epic masterpiece of film wizardry.
Another review by Matt The Flusher Usher is below
WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?