1.5 out of 10
Release Date: 3rd October 2016 (DVD Premiere)
Cast: Darren James King, David Shaw, Jonathan Jules, Nigel Thijs, Charlotte Gould, Phoebe Delikoura, Colette Hughes, Sammy Johnston, Cameron Bell, Tony Fadil and Jon-Paul Gates
Writer: James Twyman and Steve M Smith
AKA ‘Alan Bennett and the day my alien mother-in-law came to tea’. This cheap quickie from hack Steve M Smith (directing under the alias James Twyman) is a ridiculous attempt to turn a good intentioned but over-simplistic Ken Loach-style drama about troubled teens into an Independence Day also-ran. Set on the same farm as the gun runner from Essex Boys – Laws of Survival, several teens are rounded up to be cured by celebrity chav-whisperer, Alan Bennett (DAVID SHAW). The kids are made up of a trouble pop star, a friendly black guy, a footballer, a transgender wannabe, a nympho and a Nazi (a few others). Most of the teens are just about capable of learning their lines but they ae largely awful. Only Darren James King (BORSTAL) shows any signs of talent, shame he’s stuck with the Nazi role and stuck in a Steve M Smith movie. Alan Bennett is under pressure to give an interview to an asshole presenter played with over the top lunacy by 10p budget film fave Jon-Paul Gates (HAUNTED 2). His role relieves the tedium spent with the teens but not in a good way. When the aliens finally show up again, after an abysmal prelude where some scientists get zapped with pink lightning.
The aliens themselves are crap. They are basically extras in cat suits and motorcycle helmets who carry pink death torches… Actually the whole alien invasion thread seems bookended onto the corny middle bit about teenagers getting to know themselves. If the aliens had arrived earlier, or one of the dims had spotted the pink death rays then it may have got more generic earlier. However, it doesn’t and we’re left to ponder why such lo-rent aliens would bother possessing such a dull bunch. The dialogue is cod-Grange Hill, with all the emo-twats joining into some lame love-in, whilst Alan Bennett begins to say ‘Fuck’ a lot before trying to rescue everyone.
The director needs to be commended for coming up with a new idea besides Essex gangsters or football hooligans. Shame its all turned out to be a Poundland version of Independence Day 2 full of wet acting wannabes and whatever Jon-Paul Gates is.
1.5 out of 10 – Better titles would have been Invasion Essex or Close encounters of the turd kind.
Another official Britpic review by Matt ‘The Flusher’ Usher down below.
WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?
- Darren James King: Borstal, I Am Hooligan, Blood Feud (dir), Essex Boys – Law of Survival, Looters Tooters and Sawn Off Shooters
- Tony Fadil: Haunted 5, The Howling (2017), The Dollmaker, Borstal, Off-Piste, I Am Hooligan
- Jon-Paul Gates: Haunted 5, Haunted 4, Haunted 3, Haunted 2, The Howling (2017), The Dollmaker, Borstal, Gridiron UK, I Am Hooligan , Kicking Off, Hooligans At War, Haunted (2013)