DEMON BABY

3 out of 10

Release date: 2nd June 2015 (DVD Premiere)

Director: Coz Greenop

Cast: Carina Birrell, David Wayman, Cameron Jack with Lee Harris and Bhasker Patel

Writer: Coz Greenop

Trailer: DEMON BABY

demon-baby

Demon Baby is an unusual horror as it seems to duck the central issue by not presenting us with anything chilling, demonic or ghostly. Demon Baby is a baby film though in that it’s scale is that of a postage stamp. It’s short, has a small cast and will slip from the memory as soon as you’ve gone to bed for the evening.

You’ll see worse films but to see a film that’s almost a ghost itself is something else, so vapour like is everything about it. The actors are fine but don’t seem to do anything to make you pay all that much attention. If I was being cruel, you may even think the TV has switched itself off in a bid to entertain itself. As it is, here’s the plot. A young couple hire a mobile home and dash off to Scotland. The girl (CARINA BIRRELL – JACK SAID) is suffering from visions of a ghostly lady and this weirds her vaguely creepy boyfriend out, played with steady footing by David Wayman (VENGEANCE). He may not be creepy though because he just wants to have lots of sex and she’s seemingly up for it, then not up for it, which gets him cross. A weird policeman (CAMERON JACK – DEATH RACE 4) begins to bother them, but he’s just a normal copper in there for triangulation purposes. A phone rings and gets ignored. Could this issue be the source of the mystery? It solves some of it, but it’s much like the rest of the film, a giant non-sequiteur designed like a ghost story but it’s too polite to conjure any real doom and gloom. OR did the production run out of money and they finished it by bringing in Bhasker Patel (WILD WEST) as a doctor to read a bunch of belated exposition to the watchers? Who knows? You’ll forget you’ve seen it anyway before trying to solve what went on.

3 out of 10 – A non-ghostly ghost story with fair acting and an elusiveness that can’t be accidental. Vapid.

Read another review below, by Matt Usher

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

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LEVEL UP

7.5 out of 10

REVIEW COMING SOON

Release Date: 19th September 2016 (DVD Premiere)

Director: Adam Randall (iBoy)

Cast: Josh Bowman, Neil Maskell, William Houston, Leila Mimmack, Cameron Jack, Jonathan Arkwright, Leon Annor, Christina Wolfe, Ben Bailey Smith, Manpreet Bachru, Jack Fox with Paul Reynolds and Kulvinder Ghir

Writer: Adam Randall & Gary Young

Trailer: LEVEL UP

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

THE BUNKER (2016) aka THE HOARDER

UK / USA co-production

3 out of 10

Release Date: 26th September 2016 (DVD Premiere)

Director: Matt Winn

Cast: Mischa Barton, Robert Knepper, John Sackville, Charlotte Salt, Valene Kane, Richard Sumitro, Ed Cooper Clarke, Jamie Bacon with Emily Atack and Andrew Buckley

Writer: James Handel & Matt Winn

Trailer: THE BUNKER

the-hoarder-dvd-cover-art

This British produced horror cast with a predominantly British cast has been made for the American market. Some of it was shot in New York whereas the main bulk of it was shot in a 24Hour storage facility here in England. The cast all sport bad American accents, so it irritates from the start.

Mischa Barton (THE OC) suspects her perfect boyfriend of cheating when she finds a set of keys to a storage locker down town in the Meat Packing District of Manhattan. Off she trots with her BFF (EMILY ATACK  – IBIZA UNDEAD). But upon taking a wrong turn they discover that the facility is hiding some very dark secrets.

So there’s an unknown killer on the loose at closing time and a bent cop played by the sole American, Robert Knepper (PRISON BREAK), a divorcing couple, a secret resident and so on are all high on the menu. Once the intially intriging intro has been gotten out of the way, the film settles for following a very well established road. And we’re left with a reasonably well-made, solidly acted, badly accented, and boring case of ‘And then there were none.”

This is the second UK release of this film, it was first sent to market with another title called The Hoarder. This fits the film somewhat better because the title ‘The Bunker’ makes no sense as there is no actual bunker. There’s little on offer that you haven’t seen before, it also plays second fiddle to Noel Clarke and Johannes Roberts 2012 effort Storage 24 which is so similar to this one it’s uncanny. So if you really have to see a film about a bunch of twits being chased around a Big Yellow Storage centre, see Noel Clarke’s one. This is a non-event.

3 out of 10 – Unmemorable, largely unscary horror that’s too similar to other horrors to make any kind of impression of it’s own.

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

  • Mischa Barton: The OC (TV), St Trinian’s (2007), Octane, The Sixth Sense, Lawn Dogs
  • Robert Knepper: Twin Peaks (TV), Jack Reacher 2, Hard Target 2, The Hunger Games 4, The Hunger Games 3, Percy Jackson 2, Heroes (TV), Prison Break (TV), The Day The Earth Stood Still (2012), Transporter 3, Hitman, Good Night Good Luck, Hostage (2005), Species 3, Everyone Says I Love You, When The Bough Breaks, Gas Food Lodgings, Young Guns 2, Renegades, DOA
  • John Sackville: The Wedding Date
  • Charlotte Salt: The Musketeers (TV), Casualty (TV), The Tudors (TV)
  • Valene Kane: Star Wars: Rogue One, The Fall (TV)
  • Emily Atack: Iron Sky 2, Ibiza Undead, Dad’s Army,  Almost Married, Get Lucky, Outside Bet, The Inbetweeners (TV)
  • Andrew Buckley: The Sense of an Ending, Identicals, Jimi, Skeletons, Extras (TV)

OFF-PISTE

3.5 out of 10

REVIEW COMING SOON

Release Date: 3rd October 2016 (DVD Premiere)

Director: Glen Kirby (The Pugilist)

Cast: Henry Douthwaite, Lara Lemon, Yvonne O’Grady, Jared Fortune, Paul McGuinness, Mark Crook, Jed Tune, Tony Fadil and Stephen Don

Writer: Glen Kirby

Trailer: OFF PISTE

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

INVASION EARTH

1.5 out of 10

Release Date: 3rd October 2016 (DVD Premiere)

Director: James Twyman aka Steve M Smith (Haunted 5 / Haunted 4 / Haunted 3 / Haunted 2 / Borstal / I Am Hooligan / Essex Boys – Law of Survival / Hooligans At War / Haunted (2013))

Cast: Darren James King, David Shaw, Jonathan Jules, Nigel Thijs, Charlotte Gould, Phoebe Delikoura, Colette Hughes, Sammy Johnston, Cameron Bell, Tony Fadil and Jon-Paul Gates

Writer: James Twyman and Steve M Smith

Trailer:INVASION EARTH

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AKAAlan Bennett and the day my alien mother-in-law came to tea’. This cheap quickie from hack Steve M Smith (directing under the alias James Twyman) is a ridiculous attempt to turn a good intentioned but over-simplistic Ken Loach-style drama about troubled teens into an Independence Day also-ran.  Set on the same farm as the gun runner from Essex Boys – Laws of Survival, several teens are rounded up to be cured by celebrity chav-whisperer, Alan Bennett (DAVID SHAW). The kids are made up of a trouble pop star, a friendly black guy, a footballer, a transgender wannabe, a nympho and a Nazi (a few others). Most of the teens are just about capable of learning their lines but they ae largely awful. Only Darren James King (BORSTAL) shows any signs of talent, shame he’s stuck with the Nazi role and stuck in a Steve M Smith movie. Alan Bennett is under pressure to give an interview to an asshole presenter played with over the top lunacy by 10p budget film fave Jon-Paul Gates (HAUNTED 2). His role relieves the tedium spent with the teens but not in a good way. When the aliens finally show up again, after an abysmal prelude where some scientists get zapped with pink lightning.

The aliens themselves are crap. They are basically extras in cat suits and motorcycle helmets who carry pink death torches… Actually the whole alien invasion thread seems bookended onto the corny middle bit about teenagers getting to know themselves. If the aliens had arrived earlier, or one of the dims had spotted the pink death rays then it may have got more generic earlier. However, it doesn’t and we’re left to ponder why such lo-rent aliens would bother possessing such a dull bunch. The dialogue is cod-Grange Hill, with all the emo-twats joining into some lame love-in, whilst Alan Bennett begins to say ‘Fuck’ a lot before trying to rescue everyone.

The director needs to be commended for coming up with a new idea besides Essex gangsters or football hooligans. Shame its all turned out to be a  Poundland version of Independence Day 2 full of wet acting wannabes and  whatever Jon-Paul Gates is.

1.5 out of 10 – Better titles would have been Invasion Essex  or Close encounters of the turd kind.

Another official Britpic review by Matt ‘The Flusher’ Usher down below.

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

ID2 – SHADWELL ARMY

5.5 out of 10

REVIEW COMING SOON

Release Date: 3rd October 2016 (DVD Premiere)

Director: Joel Novoa

Cast: Simon Rivers, Linus Roache, Paul Popplewell, Christine Tremarco, Andy Rush, Duncan Airlie James, Naveed Choudhry, Shahid Ahmed, Benjamin Harris, Sylwia Kaczmarek and Neil Pearson with Perry Fenwick, Richard Graham and Lee Ross

Writer: Vincent O’Connell

Trailer:ID2

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

  • Simon Rivers: Doctors (TV)
  • Linus Roache: Vikings (TV), Non-Stop, Titanic (TV), Coronation Street (TV), Law & Order (TV), Before The Rains, Find Me Guilty, Batman Begins, The Forgotten (2004), The Chronicles of Riddick, Beyond Borders, Blind Flight, Hart’s War, Best, Siam Sunset, The Wings of a Dove, Priest (1994)
  • Paul Popplewell: The Goob, ’71, Spike IslandTyrannosaur, The Waiting Room, Morvern Callar, 24 Hour Party People
  • Christine Tremarco: Hector, Casualty (TV), Outcast (2010), Waterloo Road (TV), Anita & Me, Clocking Off (TV), Face, Under The Skin (1997), Priest (1994)
  • Andy Rush: Here and Now
  • Naveed Choudhry: Waterloo Road (TV)
  • Shahid Ahmed: Catch Me Daddy, Salvage, 28 Weeks Later, Mischief Night, Yasmin, Syriana
  • Neil Pearson: Bridget Jones 3, Waterloo Road (TV), Drop The Dead Donkey (TV), The Booze Cruise 3, The Booze Cruise 2, Bridget Jones 2, Fever Pitch, Between the Lines (TV), The Secret Rapture,  That’s Love (TV)
  • Perry Fenwick: Eastenders (TV), GMT, Janice Beard WPM, The Winslow Boy, The Tichborne Claimant, Ellington (TV), ID, Watching (TV)The Raggedy Rawney
  • Richard Graham: Dom Hemingway, Hollyoaks (TV), Vera Drake, ID, Under Suspicion (1991), My Beautiful Laundrette, The Bounty
  • Lee Ross: Dusty & Me, Infected, Dawn of the Planet of The Apes, Locke (voice), Centurion, Eastenders (TV), Goal, Metroland, Rogue Trader, I.D., Secrets and Lies,  Hard Men, Press Gang (TV)

CAPSULE

6 out of 10

REVIEW COMING SOON

Release Date: 26th September 2016 (DVD PREMIERE)
Director: Andrew Martin

Cast: Edmund Kingsley and Lisa Greenwood

Voice Cast: David Wayman, Nigel Barber, Gil Kolirin, Ged Petkunas and Michael Koltes

Writer: Felix Forrest & Andrew Martin

Trailer: CAPSULE

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?