MY FERAL HEART

8 out of 10

REVIEW COMING SOON

Release date: 4th November 2016

Director: Jane Gull

Cast: Steven Brandon, Shana Swash, Will Rastall, Eileen Pollock, Keith Chanter with Pixie Le Knot and Susanna Hamilton

Writer: Duncan Paveling

Trailer: MY FERAL HEART

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

  • Shana Swash: Eastenders (TV)
  • Eileen Pollock: Bread (TV)
  • Susanna Hamilton: McCallum (TV), Casualty (TV), Tale of a Vampire, Wish Me Luck (TV), Out of Africa, 1984, Brimstone & Treacle, The Wildcats of St Trinians, Tess, Swallows and Amazons (1974)

ONUS

1 out of 10

Release date: 26th December 2016 (DVD Premiere)

Director: George Clarke (Splash Area / The Blood Harvest/ The Last Light)

Cast: Robert Render, Anthony Boyle, Vivian Jamison, Caroline Burns Cooke and Kenneth Thompson

Writer: George Clarke

Trailer: ONUS

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A wonderfully nonsensical and mateurish crack at a twister, George Clark‘s third feature sees him in venture into Saw territory. Two vaguely connected men find themselves chained together deep in the forest. One of them is a school teacher, Andrews (ROBERT RENDER – THE LAST LIGHT) and the other is dim-witted teen, Kieran (ANTHONY BOYLE). They don’t know why they’re there or who is watching their every move.Each of them also has a revolver containing one bullet gaffer taped to their hand. contained in the latter half will only reveal spoilers. And although Onus should have been titled Anus, I won’t be mean and give away the end. I’ll just call it childish names instead.

A lot of ambition is on display here but alas the talent to pull it off doesn’t show up. The good aspects include a tasty soundtrack track and a reasonably good performance from the director’s ‘go-to’ lead, Robert Render. Unfortunately, the editing is sloppy, the sound mix is borderline  terrible with much of the dialogue at the beginning of chapter two drowned out by background noise.

The plot has several gigantic holes (no spoilers from me) but how difficult would a gun gaffer taped in your hand be to remove? One of the points reliable on the success of the villain’s scheme is that nobody would try to escape. But bad plotting aside, much of the film has a plodding pace where it should have been fast moving and exciting. Instead, Onus feels like a chore and an exercise in how to finish a feature despite having no talent or dicernible idea how to make an action-thriller.

1 out of 10 – Slow with a badly-plotted story that tries to be different but just ends up being repetitive, derivative of similar thrillers, all with zero resources to achieve a satisfying end result. It took me four attempts to watch it all the way through. Not good.

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

ELIMINATORS

2.5 out of 10

Release date: 23rd February 2017 (DVD Premiere)

Director: James Nunn (Green Street 3 / Tower Block)

Cast: Scott Adkins, Wade Barrett, Daniel Caltagirone, Lily Ann Harland-Stubbs, Nick Nevern, Ty Glaser, Stephen Marcus, Renee Castle, Olivia Mace, Mem Ferda, Sean Cronin, Dean Ridge with Mark Wingett and James Cosmo

Writer: Nathan Brookes & Bobby Lee Darby

Trailer: ELIMINATORS

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Director James Nunn distinguished himself as a filmmaker to watch with Tower Block, he brought character to the idiotic Green Street 3 , but at least it was fun. Eliminators sees our man in journeyman mode. Sadly his third film fails to engage on any level, Nunn has failed to leave his fingerprints on one of the most bland and dull action films I’ve seen in some time. Hero, Scott Adkins (ZERO DARK THIRTY) plays a character with about as much character as John Major. He’s paired up with a really bad actor this time, former WWE all-star Stu Bennett aka Wade Barrett (DEAD MAN DOWN). His character is a bad shot, selects the wrong weaponry for nearly all of his fights, and forgets to act. All of the dialogue is boiled down to the instructional like, “Where’s my daughter?”, “Let’s go,” “Get him!” and “F8ck you>…” All the principles are British except they sport terrible American accents, the generic sort with no idea of region or state – just the TV version. The plot could have been devised by an unimaginative six year old son of a tax auditor. There’s zero flare. A potentially good location – the Canning Town cable cars (whatever they’re called) pop up in a fight but there’s no pace.

There are a few good fight scenes but the gun battles are boring and inauthentic. Wade Barrett doesn’t help matters by delivering his lines like he’s trying to shit them. They are shit as well. The supporting cast are generally wasted with good actors like James Cosmo (TRAINSPOTTING), Mem Ferda (LONDON HEIST) and Ty Glaser (HOLBY CITY) left picking their noses on the sidelines awaiting their screen deaths. Nick Nevern (MRS BROWN’S BOYS D’MOVIE) looks like he’s dreaming of better times when he was playing the baddy in the fan-made tribute to Mrs Brown’s Boys.

The most disappointing aspect of this, is that it was meant to be fun and it wasn’t. It was as flat as Nick Nevern‘s head, the whole thing. A missed opportunity in pretty much every department.

2.5 out of 10 – More like Constipators. Boring, sluggish, slow and a waste of reasonable acting talent. Sorry Scott, we need more imaginative action films and not cures for insomnia.

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

DEPARTURE

8 out of 10

REVIEW COMING SOON

Release date: 20th May 2016

Director: Andrew Steggall

Cast: Juliet Stevenson, Alex Lawther, Phenix Brossard, Patrice Juiff with Niamh Cusack and Finbar Lynch

Writer: Andrew Steggall

Trailer: DEPARTURE

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

  • Juliet Stevenson: Diana, When Did You Last See Your Father?, Breaking and Entering, Infamous, Pierrepoint, Being Julia, Mona Lisa Smile, The One and Only, Bend It Like Beckham, Food Of Love, Emma (1996), The Secret Rapture, The Trial (1993), Truly Madly Deeply, Drowning By Numbers
  • Alex Lawther: X+Y, The Imitation Game
  • Niamh Cusack: The Ghoul, ChickLit, Testament of Youth, The Kid (2010), The Closer You Get, Heartbeat (TV), The Playboys (1992), Fools of Fortune, A Marriage of Inconvenience, Paris By Night
  • Finbar Lynch: Suffragette, The Numbers Station

CRUEL SUMMER

7.5 out of 10

REVIEW COMING SOON

Release date: 13th February 2017 (DVD Premiere)

Director: Phillip Escott & Craig Newman

Cast: Danny Miller, Richard Pawulski, Natalie Martins, Reece Douglas, Gary Knowles, Grace Dixon and Thomas ‘Verb T’ Conning

Writer: Phillip Escott & Craig Newman

Trailer: CRUEL SUMMER

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

WHITE SETTLERS

4 out of 10

REVIEW COMING SOON

Release date: 5th September 2014 (DVD Premiere)

Director: Simeon Halligan (Splintered)

Cast: Pollyanna McIntosh, Lee Williams and Joanne Mitchell

Writer: Ian Fenton

Trailer: WHITE SETTLERS

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

 

PAPADOPOULOS & SONS

3.5 out of 10

REVIEW COMING SOON

Release date: 5th April 2013

Director: Marcus Markou

Cast: Stephen Dillane, Georges Corraface, Cosima Shaw, Georgia Groome, Frank Dillane, Thomas Underhill, Selina Cadell, Jimmy Roussounis, George Savvides, Cesare Taurasi, Carl Rice and Ed Stoppard

Writer: Marcus Markou

Trailer: PAPADOPOULOS & SONS

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

  • Stephen Dillane: Mary Shelley, Game of Thrones (TV), Zero Dark Thirty, Twenty8K, Perfect Sense, 44 Inch Chest, Goal II, Goal, King Arthur (2004), The Hours, The Truth About Charlie, Spy Game, The Parole Officer, The Darkest Light, Hamlet (1990)
  • Georges Corraface: Escape From LA, Christopher Columbus, Impromptu, Not Without My Daughter
  • Cosima Shaw: The von Trapp Family, Mars (TV), Narcopolis, Piccadilly Jim
  • Georgia Groome: Taking Stock, The Holding, The Disappeared, Angus Thongs and Full Frontal Snogging, London To Brighton
  • Frank Dillane: Fear The Walking Dead (TV), In the Heart of the Sea, Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, Welcome To Sarajevo
  • Thomas Underhill: Mother’s Milk
  • Selina Cadell: Doc Martin (TV), Hereafter, Wild Child, Confetti, Match Point, Mrs Dalloway, Surgical Spirit (TV), The Madness of King George III, Prick Up Your Ears
  • Jimmy Roussounis: Essex Vendetta
  • George Savvides: The Honorable Rebel, The Fool
  • Cesare Taurasi: The Infiltrator, The Borgias (TV)
  • Carl Rice: Trollied (TV), Coronation Street (TV)
  • Ed Stoppard: Genesis, Cryptic, Youth (2015), Blackwood, Cilla (TV), Upstairs Downstairs (TV), Nanny McPhee 2, Joy Division, Bridehead Revisited (2008), The Pianist, The Little Vampire