ABDUCT

0.5 out of 10

Release date: 1st May 2017 (DVD premiere)

Director: Ilyas Kaduji (Anamorphosis)

Cast: Mark Arnold, Mhairi Calvey, William B Davis, Petra Bryant, Andrei Claude,  Franco Flammia, Buffy Davis and Art Bell with Jack O’Halloran and Sienna Guillory

Writer: Philip Daay & Ilya Kaduji

Trailer: ABDUCT

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Quite easily one of the most amateurish, worst and unfinished cheapos I’ve ever seen. This gives king of z-grade trash movies, Steve M Smith a run for his money and lessons in how to make absolutely terrible sci-fis. How the filmmakers (I use that word tentatively) rounded up this number of professional actors and Petra Bryant (THE LAST SCOUT) is a true mystery.  This barely coherent leaking bag of toxic and runny dog shit involves a girl (MHAIRI CALVEY) who has been on the run from aliens and the government all her life? She stumbles into the lives of conspiracy theorist and radio station shock jock, Ridley (MARK ARNOLD – TRANCERS 4) and his farm landlord (WILLIAM B DAVIS – THE X-FILES). They come under siege when the aliens led by Superman veteran Jack O’Halloran as a Man in Black called Alistair turns up and doesn’t do a lot. He does try to lure her out of the kitchen with a funny voice though… Hmmm. Sienna Guillory (DON’T HANG UP) shows up in a weird cameo as if she’s playing dress up in her child’s panto. Everybody is just awful, the fake American accents are some of the worst you’ll ever hear and the special effects are z-grade. You’ll never have seen CGI this soupy in the history of cinema, even if you go back to the 1970s… Ed Wood jr has competition for Plan 9 From Outer Space. There’s nothing to recommend here, even the actors look embarrassed to be caught on film. Witness William B Davis’ in-joke about X-Files and cringe. Witness Petra Bryant succumbing to Russian brain reprogramming ala the Manchurian Candidate. Witness people get shot and recover instantly (and they aren’t the aliens – just victims of bad storytelling). This gives Invasion Earth by Steven M Smith a really good rival in a race to bottom of worst low-budget horror films ever made.

0.5 out of 10 – Avoid at all costs. The cast may draw you in with curiosity but for the most part it’s littered with ludicrous cameos, badly directed scenes, non-acting, over-acting, nonsensical plots. Alien’s really are here. They made this film.

A further review (this one humorous) by Matt ‘U F Off’ Usher below…

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

  • Mark Arnold: Anamorphosis, Trancers 5, Trancers 4, Threesome, Teen Wolf, The Edge of Night (TV)
  • William B Davis: The X-Files (TV), The Tall Man, Passengers (2008), Smallville (TV), Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, The X Files Movie, Unforgettable (1996), Beyond The Stars
  • Petra Bryant: Nightmare on 34th Street,  The Last Scout, The Disappearance of Lenka Wood, Meet The Firm – White Collar Hooligan 3
  • Buffy Davis: The Night Manager (TV), The Archers (radio), Doc Martin (TV), Until Death, The Machinist
  • Jack O’Halloran: The Flintstones, Dragnet, Superman II, Superman, King Kong (1976)
  • Sienna Guillory: Don’t Hang Up, Fortitude (TV), Lucky Man (TV), High-RiseThe Goob, Luther (TV), Resident Evil 5, Resident Evil 4, Inkheart, Eragon, Resident Evil 3, Love Actually, The Principles of Lust, The Time Machine (2002), Late Night Shopping, Sorted
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One thought on “ABDUCT

  1. REVIEW BY MATT USHER
    There are things they don’t want you to see. That they don’t want you to know. But there are people out there who don’t care what they want. They (not the they who don’t want you to see certain things, I mean the they who do) will not be silenced. They (the latter they – keep up) are leaking the truth that they (the first they) think you can’t handle. But they (the second they) hide that truth in plain sight, so they (the first they) never spot it. And that’s what happens in ABDUCT. The truth is they (the government/CIA/MI5/EU/NASA/NATO/FBI/capitalists/Israel) would never even think to look at a film like this. But here it is, in plain sight in a film no normal person would ever watch: the shocking outrageous truth that underpins our very existence. I hope you’re ready for this because it will literally blow your mind. The British royal family are really aliens who have been using Miley Cyrus to hoodwink the youth of America into a life of drugs and debauchery. Don’t laugh. That’s what they (first they) want you to do even though they don’t think you’re watching this, but if they did then they’d want you to think it was as ridiculous as it sounds. ABDUCT is made by the second they (pro-Assange/Trump/Putin/UFO/Corbyn/Scientology) who are trying to make it look like the first they made the film so you wouldn’t believe the truth. God, conspiracy theories are hard work.

    So too is ABDUCT. It’s a long film, which feels longer, like being harangued by a conspiracy nut who simultaneously believes the moon landings were faked and that the USA’s space programme is more advanced than they (the first they) will ever admit because of the aliens they found on the moon.

    A woman is on the run. From what? Aliens? The government? Scientists? Her spooky
    mom? Is her mom an alien? Why does the alien mom wear a ridiculous hat which makes her look like a Chicago gangster? We never find out. The woman meets a bloke with a beard and they go gambling at a makeshift campsite; she briefly has the power to predict the cards (spooky), but not her new pal’s fate. (I can’t remember the bloke’s fate so it can’t have been that interesting.) One of the gamblers is the host of a supernatural phenomena radio show, who rents a room on a farm owned by Smoking Man from The X Files and Jolene from The Archers. A native American conspiracy theorist owns a cute dog (which doesn’t die, or get abducted, or play any part in the proceedings, but it’s cute and worth mentioning). Meanwhile a mysterious Russian woman briefly guests on the radio show, but she has a funny reaction to Twinkle Twinkle Little Star which triggers her psychotic alter ego (or something) (actually, I have no idea what was happening but it was very funny). (It’s not meant to be funny.)

    The woman on the run from her alien parents pitches up amongst these oddballs and everyone discusses all manner of popular conspiracy theories, all of which later play important parts in the ‘plot’. She has something in the back of her neck, perhaps some sort of tracer (who put it there? The government? Aliens? Ancient Egyptians? Noel Edmonds? We’ll never know). Fortunately Jolene from The Archers reveals she ‘worked as a nurse for 20 years’ (or as a normal person might say ‘used to be a nurse’) and she speedily carries out an operation. Despite her decades of experience, some bloke helpfully mansplains her job to her. Then they pop the thing (a cartoon spider like an animated swastika) in a jar. And then Smoking Man eats it for no apparent reason and with no apparent consequences.

    Poor William B Davis. I’ve probably never seen him in anything other than The X Files, where he was hardly required to provide a multi-layered performance, and I have no reason to believe he’s either an unusually talented actor fallen on hard times or a hopelessly over-promoted bit-part player, but surely there’s better stuff out there? This must be a nadir for all concerned. (Hopefully.)

    It’s easy to dismiss ABDUCT as the incoherent ramblings of the darker corners of the internet made celluloid (which it is). But it asks hard questions which the establishment doesn’t want asked, and makes certain extraordinary revelations.
    For example, if you google ‘Man in Black real’ (as someone in this film does) you will find images of shady government operatives (I just checked – there’s a picture of Dan Aykroyd – you may mock, but who can prove he isn’t a secret government agent?). You can even find out their names (Alistair Cruel). (US secret services (in this film at least) choose their operatives based on whether their names are similar to those of Edwardian devil-worshipping charlatans.) But there is a good bit where someone points out that contradictory conspiracy theories can’t all be true, and somehow this blazingly obvious factual statement comes across as a Biblical revelation.

    If you have been unlucky enough to encounter the output of Richard Driscoll you will be familiar with this sort of film (though Driscoll attracts/blackmails/bamboozles bigger name actors). (Though this has a SUPERMAN 2 baddie.) (Neither of the good ones.) And yet, for all its appallingly atrocious awfulness, this abysmal apocalypse of a film does have a certain integrity and sincerity. The film-maker(s) chuck in everything they can think of about aliens and government conspiracies, but, alas, end up making the idea that aliens are among us seem more absurd than usual. (But maybe that’s what they/they want? I have no idea which ‘they’ I mean now.) Please don’t get me wrong. I’m happy to entertain all sorts of weird ideas (except the idea that any government can competently carry out a cover-up), as long as they’re presented credibly. ABDUCT is not a credible film on any level. But then again, that’s exactly what they want you to think.

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