TIME OF HER LIFE

0.25 out of 10

Release date: 5th May 2008 (DVD premiere)

Director: Steven M Smith (Red Army Hooligans / Haunted 5 / Huanted 4 / Haunted 3 / Haunted 2 / The Howling (2017) / The Dollmaker / Borstal /   Invasion Earth / I Am Hooligan / Essex Boys – Law of Survival / Hooligans At War / Haunted (2013))

Cast: Laura Penneycard, Geoff Shaw, Colin Bower, Rob Pheby, David Farrington, Jeremy Hill, Dominic Fowler, Nicola Freeman-Wright, Paul Agar and Steven M Smith

Writer: Steven M Smith

Trailer: TIME OF HER LIFE

poster-time-of-her-life-2005

Digging back into the past can be a painful experience for some of us. Here at Britpic we’ve dug into director/film fan defiler Steven M Smith’s movie making past and it wasn’t just painful, it was excruciating. But there was also a surprise lurking within the agony. Whereas I was prepared for a bout of film torture to the millionth degree (this sucker director has form) there was also a shock factor and not in the way you’d expect. The biggest WTF aspect to this very early Smith feature is how its no worse than the films that he’s currently flinging at us on a regular basis (this was made in 2006 <?> and released in 2008).  Yes, this is a case of directorial arrested development on a dangerous scale. Well, he’s hardly Michael Bay (thank god), but its amazing how little his abilities at shooting and directing have improved. OK, I retract this a little bit – his acting, when he chooses to take a role in his own films, has improved because his bit-part in this item of embarrasment is a real corker – he’s been taking tips from his mate Jon-Paul Gates.

After seeing A Dark Song, where contact with the ‘other side’ was very difficult and arduous, all the characters in this fim have to do is take a piss behind a tree. I’m not lying.  So what springs forth in The Time of Her Life (what a duff title) is a rip-off of Dracula minus the fun and fangs. Dopey reporter, Ally (LAURA PENNEYCARD – HAUNTED (2013)) visits a stately home with some mates only for her to bump into the ghost of a former lord (GEOFF BORE SHAW). She starts to have visions of a former life to when she was girl under employ of the Lord 200 years earlier. With the help of a cipher, ahem, I mean a crafty old gardener and the readily available ghost they piece together a mystery/ultra lame love story that is really hard to solve. It’s only hard to solve because you’re fighting the urge not to set your television on fire. Otherwise its hardly a head scratcher.

You will struggle. and I mean struggle find a more amatuerish love story than this. The performances and dialogue belong in a Chinese porno, the performers so leaden and gormless – I think the director got these guys out of the lost and found box at the local Kwik Save. Again Smith is guilty of not doing his research of the period setting, he’s also  shooting a film without reading the camera or sound equipment manual. Also, there’s a good chance that he’s never actually seen a real film. He might have heard of a film but he’s certainly never seen anything good enough for him to want to exert any effort into making anything but slipshod, sloppy sh*t like this.

The DVD boasts an ‘extra’ of the crew catching a real ghost on camera – thats my ghost coming to haunt the f*ckers who made this piss poor comedy of errors not terrors. Most people would be better off dying a pleasant death than sitting through this. Its so stultifying you actually do think that decades may have passed whilst you’ve been sat on the sofa watching this mind-numbing cack.  You may, if you were a really, really, nice charitable angel venture that this is a dimly-decent first attempt at a feature BUT with the benefit of hindsight – the added knowledge of the parade of butt-baked movies that followed, I’ll call it what it is. A real CLOWN turd.

0.25 out of 10 – Lacklustre like a morforrr. The poor quality of this film will amaze you. It’s straight-faced demeanour makes the whole endeavour even easier to ridicule. Giving this a bad review felt like belittling a 3 year old who’s showed you a crap crayon drawing. But hey I don’t have children. Neither does Joe Pesci II.

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

 

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