ABDUCT

0.5 out of 10

Release date: 1st May 2017 (DVD premiere)

Director: Ilyas Kaduji (Anamorphosis)

Cast: Mark Arnold, Mhairi Calvey, William B Davis, Petra Bryant, Andrei Claude,  Franco Flammia, Buffy Davis and Art Bell with Jack O’Halloran and Sienna Guillory

Writer: Philip Daay & Ilya Kaduji

Trailer: ABDUCT

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Quite easily one of the most amateurish, worst and unfinished cheapos I’ve ever seen. This gives king of z-grade trash movies, Steve M Smith a run for his money and lessons in how to make absolutely terrible sci-fis. How the filmmakers (I use that word tentatively) rounded up this number of professional actors and Petra Bryant (THE LAST SCOUT) is a true mystery.  This barely coherent leaking bag of toxic and runny dog shit involves a girl (MHAIRI CALVEY) who has been on the run from aliens and the government all her life? She stumbles into the lives of conspiracy theorist and radio station shock jock, Ridley (MARK ARNOLD – TRANCERS 4) and his farm landlord (WILLIAM B DAVIS – THE X-FILES). They come under siege when the aliens led by Superman veteran Jack O’Halloran as a Man in Black called Alistair turns up and doesn’t do a lot. He does try to lure her out of the kitchen with a funny voice though… Hmmm. Sienna Guillory (DON’T HANG UP) shows up in a weird cameo as if she’s playing dress up in her child’s panto. Everybody is just awful, the fake American accents are some of the worst you’ll ever hear and the special effects are z-grade. You’ll never have seen CGI this soupy in the history of cinema, even if you go back to the 1970s… Ed Wood jr has competition for Plan 9 From Outer Space. There’s nothing to recommend here, even the actors look embarrassed to be caught on film. Witness William B Davis’ in-joke about X-Files and cringe. Witness Petra Bryant succumbing to Russian brain reprogramming ala the Manchurian Candidate. Witness people get shot and recover instantly (and they aren’t the aliens – just victims of bad storytelling). This gives Invasion Earth by Steven M Smith a really good rival in a race to bottom of worst low-budget horror films ever made.

0.5 out of 10 – Avoid at all costs. The cast may draw you in with curiosity but for the most part it’s littered with ludicrous cameos, badly directed scenes, non-acting, over-acting, nonsensical plots. Alien’s really are here. They made this film.

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

  • Mark Arnold: Anamorphosis, Trancers 5, Trancers 4, Threesome, Teen Wolf, The Edge of Night (TV)
  • William B Davis: The X-Files (TV), The Tall Man, Passengers (2008), Smallville (TV), Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, The X Files Movie, Unforgettable (1996), Beyond The Stars
  • Petra Bryant: Nightmare on 34th Street,  The Last Scout, The Disappearance of Lenka Wood, Meet The Firm – White Collar Hooligan 3
  • Buffy Davis: The Night Manager (TV), The Archers (radio), Doc Martin (TV), Until Death, The Machinist
  • Jack O’Halloran: The Flintstones, Dragnet, Superman II, Superman, King Kong (1976)
  • Sienna Guillory: Don’t Hang Up, Fortitude (TV), Lucky Man (TV), High-RiseThe Goob, Luther (TV), Resident Evil 5, Resident Evil 4, Inkheart, Eragon, Resident Evil 3, Love Actually, The Principles of Lust, The Time Machine (2002), Late Night Shopping, Sorted

AWAY

6.5 out of 10

REVIEW COMING SOON

Release date: 12th May 2017 (DVD premiere)

Director: David Blair (The Messenger (2016) / Best Laid Plans (2012))

Cast: Timothy Spall, Juno Temple, Matt Ryan, Hayley Squires, Joanna Roth, Reece Noi, Tony Pitts with Terry Stone and Susan Lynch

Writer: Roger Hadfield

Trailer: AWAY

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

  • Timothy Spall: Early Man (voice), The Journey, Denial, Alice In Wonderland 2 (voice), Mr TurnerThe Love PunchThe RiseLove BiteComes a Bright Day, Ginger and RosaThe King’s Speech, Harry Potter – parts 3 – 8, Wake Wood, Reuniting The Rubins, Heartless,  Alice In Wonderland (2011) (voice), Apaloosa, The Damned Utd, Sweeney Todd, Pierrepoint, Lemony Snickets Series of Unfortunate Events, The Last Samurai, Nicholas Nickleby (2002),  All Or Nothing, Vanilla Sky, Rock Star, Lucky Break, Chicken Run (voice), Loves Labours Lost,  Topsy Turvy, Still Crazy, Wisdom Of Crocodiles, Hamlet (1996), Secrets & Lies, Life Is Sweet, The Sheltering Sky, White Hunter Black Heart, To Kill a Priest, The Missionary, Auf Wierdesen Pet (TV), Quadrophenia
  • Juno Temple: Vinyl (TV), Black Mass, Far From The Madding Crowd (2015), Sin City 2, Maleficent, Horns, Lovelace, The Dark Knight Rises, Small Apartments, Killer Joe, The Three Musketeers (2011), Kaboom, Greenberg, St Trinians 2, Glorious 39, Mr Nobody, Cracks, Year One, Wild Child, The Other Boleyn Girl, St Trinians (2007), Atonement, Notes On a Scandal
  • Matt Ryan: Constantine (TV)
  • Hayley Squires: Giantland, I Daniel Blake, Blood Cells
  • Reece Noi: K-Shop, Game of Thrones (TV), Waterloo Road (TV), Emmerdale (TV), Doctors (TV), Grange Hill (TV), The Virgin of Liverpool, My Kingdom
  • Tony Pitts: Journeyman, Line of Duty (TV), Star Wars – Rogue One, Peaky Blinders (TV), Hyena
  • Terry Stone: We Still Steal The Old Way, Once Upon a Time In London, Rise of the Footsoldier 3, Fanged Up, Bonded By Blood 2, Plastic, Get LuckyOutside BetAnuvahood,  The HoldingBonded By BloodShankTen Dead MenJack SaidDoghouseUnarmed and DangerousRise Of The Foot SoldierRollin’ With The Nines, Hell To Pay
  • Susan Lynch: The Secret Scripture, The Scouting Book For Boys, City Rats, Someone Else, Holy Waters, Enduring Love, 16 Years Of Alcohol, Nora,Waking Ned, From Hell, Elizabeth I – The Golden Age, Beautiful Creatures, Downtime, The Secret Of Roan Inish

 

AMEN ISLAND aka UNHAPPY BIRTHDAY

3 out of 10

REVIEW COMING SOON

Release date: 21st June 2011 (DVD Premiere)

Director: Mark Harriot & Mike Matthews

Cast: David Paisley, Christina DeVallee, Jonathan Keane, Jill Riddiford and David McGillivray

Writer: Mark Harriot & Mike Matthews

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

  • David Paisley: River City (TV), Holby City (TV), Casualty (TV)
  • David McGillivray: The House of Whipcord

A UNITED KINGDOM

5.5 out of 10

REVIEW COMING SOON

Release date: 25th November 2016

Director: Amma Assante (Where Hands Touch / Belle / A Way of Life)

Cast: David Oyelowo, Rosamund Pike, Jack Davenport, Tom Felton, Laura Carmichael, Vusi Kunene, Jack Lowden, Arnold Oceng, Terry Pheto, Jessica Oyelowo, Charlotte Hope, Abena Ayivor, Anton Lesser, Nicholas Rowe, Merveille Lukeba, Anastasia Hille, Theo Landey, James Northcote and Nicholas Lyndhurst

Writer: Guy Hibbert

Trailer: A UNITED KINGDOM

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

  • David Oyelowo: Nina, Queen of Katwe, Selma, Interstellar, A Most Violent Year, The Butler, Jack Reacher, Lincoln, The Paperboy, Red Tails, The Help, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, As You Like It (2006), The Last King of Scotland, The Best Man, A Sound of Thunder, Spooks (TV)
  • Rosamund Pike: Gone Girl, Hector & The Search For Happiness, What We Did On Our HolidayA Long Way DownThe World’s End, Jack Reacher, Johnny English 2, Wrath Of The Titans, Made In Dagenham, Surrogates, An Education, Doom, Pride & Prejudice (2005), James Bond – Die Another Day
  • Jack Davenport: The Tank, Kingsman – The Secret Service, Mother’s Milk, Pirates of the Caribbean 3, Pirates of the Caribbean 2, The Wedding Date, The Libertine, Pirates of the Caribbean, The Bunker, The Talented Mr Ripley, The Wisdom of Crocodiles
  • Tom Felton: Risen (2016), Against The Sun, In Secret, Belle, Rise Of The Planet of The Apes, The Disappeared, Get Him To The Greek, 13 HRs, Harry Potter 1-8, Anna and The King, The Borrowers (1997)
  • Laura Carmichael: Burn Burn Burn, Downton Abbey (TV)
  • Vusi Kunene: The First Grader, The Bang Bang Club, The King Is Alive, Cry The Beloved Country, The Air Up There
  • Jack Lowden: Tommy’s Honour, Denial (2017) War and Peace (TV)
  • Arnold Oceng: Circle of Revenge, Brotherhood, The Good Lie, It’s a Lot, My Brother The Devil, Victim, Adulthood
  • Terry Pheto: Mandela – A Long Walk To Freedom, Catch a Fire, Tsotsi
  • Jessica Oyelowo: Sleepy Hollow
  • Abena Ayivor: Machine Gun Preacher, This Life (TV)
  • Anton Lesser: Allied, Flutter, Endeavour (TV), Game of Thrones (TV), Wolf Hall (TV), The Lady, Primeval (TV), Casualty 1909 (TV), Miss Potter, River Queen, Charlotte Gray, The Mill On The Floss (TV)
  • Nicholas Rowe: Eat Local, Old Boys, Snowden, Mr Holmes, Da Vinci’s Demons (TV), Dr Who (TV), Seed of Chucky, Nicholas Nickleby (2002), Enigma, Lock Stock & Two Smoking Barrels, True Blue, Young Sherlock Holmes, Another Country
  • Merveille Lukeba: GBH, Skins (TV)
  • James Northcote: Wuthering Heights (2011)
  • Nicholas Lyndhurst: Goodnight Sweetheart (TV), New Tricks (TV), Rock and Chips (TV), Lassie (2005), Only Fools and Horses (TV), The Two of Us (TV), Butterflies (TV)

A ROOM TO DIE FOR

4 out of 10

REVIEW COMING SOON

Release Date: 16th January 2016 (DVD Premiere)

Director: Devanand Shanmugam (Gangs of Tooting Broadway)

Cast: Loren Peta, Michael Lieber, Christopher Craig, Antonia Davies, Ben Ellis with Jon Campling and Vas Blackwood

Writer: Matthew J Gunn

Trailer: A ROOM TO DIE FOR

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

 

ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS – THE MOVIE

5 out of 10

REVIEW COMING SOON, DARLING

Release date: 1st July 2016

Director: Mandie Fletcher (Miranda (TV) / Stella (TV) / Absolutely Fabulous (TV) / Hamish Macbeth (TV)/ Desmonds (TV) / Blackadder 3 (TV) / Brush Strokes (TV)/ Only Fools and Horses (TV) / Black Adder 2 (TV) / Three Up Two Down (TV) / Butterflies (TV))

Cast: Jennifer Saunders, Joanna Lumley, Julia Sawalha, Jane Horrocks, Robert Webb, Indeyarna Donaldson-Holness, Celia Imrie with Kathy Burke and June Whitfield with Kate Moss, Lulu, Emma Bunton, Mark Gatiss, Chris Colfer, Marcia Warren, Nick Mohammed, Harriet Thorpe, Helen Lederer with Jon Hamm, Rebel Wilson and Barry Humphries

Featured cameos: Stella McCartney, Christopher Biggins, Jerry Hall, Lily Cole, Gwendoline Christie, Graham Norton, Judith Chalmers, Jean-Paul Gaultier, Alexa Chung, Daisy Lowe, Suki Waterhouse with Dawn French and Joan Collins

Writer: Jennifer Saunders

Trailer: ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS – THE MOVIE

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

  • Jennifer Saunders: Sing (voice), Minions (voice), Blandings (TV), This Is Jinsy (TV), The Comic Strip Presents…(TV), Absolutely Fabulous (TV), Coraline (voice), French & Saunders (TV), Shrek 2 (voice), Fanny & Elvis, Spice World, Muppet Treasure Island, A Midwinter’s Tale, Eat The Rich, The Supergrass, The Young Ones
  • Joanna Lumley: The Man You’re Not, Absolutely Anything, She’s Funny That Way, The Wolf of Wall Street, Absolutely Fabulous (TV), Animals United (voice), Corpse Bride (voice), Ella Enchanted, The Cat’s Meow, Maybe Baby, Mad Cows, Parting Shots, Prince Valiant, James and The Giant Peach, Innocent Lies, Cluedo (TV), Lovejoy (TV), Shirley Valentine, The Kenny Everett Show (TV), Curse of the Pink Panther, Trail of the Pink Panther, Sapphire and Steel (TV), The New Avengers (TV), The Satanic Rites of Dracula, Coronation Street (TV), Lady Chatterly vs Fanny Hill, The Devil’s Widow, James Bond – On Her Majesty’s Secret Service
  • Julia Sawalha: Absolutely Fabulous (TV), Lark Rise To Candelford (TV),  Jonathan Creek (TV), Chicken Run (voice), Wind In The Willows (1996), Pride & Prejudice (TV), A Midwinter’s Tale, Martin Chuzzlewit (TV), Press Gang (TV), Buddy’s Song, Educating Marmalade (TV)
  • Jane Horrocks: Sunshine On Leith, Trollied (TV), Absolutely Fabulous (TV), Garfield 2 (voice), Arthur Christmas (voice), Brothers Of The Head, The Corpse Bride (voice), Born Romantic, Chicken Run (voice), Little Voice, Bring Me The Head Of Mavis Davis, Second Best, Life Is Sweet, Memphis Belle, The Witches, Getting It Right
  • Robert Webb: Cold Feet (TV), Peep Show (TV), Ambassadors (TV), The Wedding Video, Confetti, The Magicians
  • Celia Imrie: A Cure For Wellness, Bridget Jones 3, Second Best Marigold Hotel, What We Did On Our Holiday, Nativity 3, The Love Punch, Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, St Trinians 2, Nanny McPhee, St Trinians, Imagine Me & You, Wah-Wah, Bridget Jones  2, Wimbledon, Calendar Girls, Heartlands, Thunderpants, Bridget Jones, Lucky Break, Gormenghast (TV), Dinner Ladies (TV), Star Wars – The Phantom Menace, Hilary & Jackie, The Borrowers (1997), In The Bleak Midwinter, Frankenstein (1994)
  • Kathy Burke: Pan, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, Flushed Away (voice), Anita & Me, Once Upon a Time In The Midlands, The Martins, Kevin & Perry Go Large, Love Honour & Obey, Elizabeth I, Dancing At Lughnasa, This Year’s Love, Nil By Mouth, Sid & Nancy, The Harry Enfield Show (TV)
  • June Whitfield: Absolutely Fabulous (TV), Run For Your Wife, Last Of The Summer Wine (TV), Jude, Carry On Columbus, Terry and June (TV), Carry On Girls, Bless The House, Carry On Abroad, The Benny Hill Show (TV),  Carry On Nurse, The Tony Hancock Show (TV)
  • Kate Moss: Zoolander 2
  • Lulu: Whatever Happened To Harold Smith?, To Sir With Love 2, Men In Love, The Growing Pains of Adrian Mole (TV), Three of a Kind (TV), To Sir With Love
  • Emma Bunton: Keith Lemon, Spice World
  • Mark Gatiss: Taboo (TV), Sherlock (TV), Denial, Our Kind of Traitor, Dad’s Army, Victor Frankenstein, London Spy (TV), Game of Thrones (TV), Wolf Hall (TV), Dr Who (TV), Starter For 10, The Curse of the Were-Rabbit (voice), The League of Gentleman’s Apocalypse, Sex Lives of the Potato Men, Birthday Girl, The League of Gentlemen (TV)
  • Chris Colfer: Glee (TV)
  • Marcia Warren: Vicious (TV), Leap Year, Dangerfield (TV)
  • Nick Mohammed: The Sense of an Ending, Bridget Jones 3, Benny & Jolene
  • Harriet Thorpe: Absolutely Fabulous (TV), S.N.U.B!, French & Saunders (TV), The Brittas Empire (TV), Alexei Sayle Stuff (TV)
  • Helen Lederer: Gridiron UK, Chicken, Hollyoaks (TV), Old Jack’s Boat (TV), Absolutely Fabulous (TV), Horrid Henry – The Movie, Fat Slags, Solitaire For 2, Bottom (TV), Naked Video (TV)
  • Jon Hamm: Baby Driver, Keeping Up With The Joneses, Minions (voice), Mad Men (TV), A Young Doctor’s Notebook (TV), The Congress (voice), Friends With Kids, Bridesmaids, Sucker Punch (2011), The Town, The A-Team, Shrek 4 (voice), Howl (2010), The Day The Earth Stood Still (2008), We Were Soldiers, Kissing Jessica Stein
  • Rebel Wilson: Dirty Rotten Scoundrels (2017), Pitch Perfect 3, Grimsby, Pitch Perfect 2, Night At The Museum 3, A Few Best Men, Pain & Gain, Pitch Perfect, Ice Age 4 (voice), What To Expect When You’re Expecting, Small Apartments, Bridesmaids, Bogan Pride (TV), Pizza (TV)
  • Barry Humphries: Blinky Bill (voice), Justin and the Knights of Valour (voice), The Hobbit – An Unexpected Journey, Finding Nemo (voice), Ally McBeal (TV), Spice World, Welcome To Woop-Woop, The Leading Man, Immortal Beloved, The Dame Edna Experience (TV), The Marsupials – The Howling 3, Shock Treatment, Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Heart Club Band, The Barry Humphries Show (TV), Bedazzled (1967)
  • Christopher Biggins: Run For Your Wife, Psychoville (TV), Blow Dry, Circus, Decadence, Poldark (TV), Porridge (TV), The Rocky Horror Picture Show
  • Jerry Hall: Tooth, Princess Caraboo, Batman (1989)
  • Lily Cole: London Fields, The Messenger (2015), Snow White and The Huntsman, The Imaginarium of Dr Parnassus, St Trinians
  • Gwendoline Christie: Star Wars – , Game of Thrones (TV), Star Wars – The Force Awakens, Hunger Games – Mockingjay 2
  • Graham Norton: The Graham Norton Show, I Could Never Be Your Woman, Another Gay Movie, Father Ted (TV)
  • Judith Chalmers: Wish You Were Here (TV)
  • Daisy Lowe: Tulip Fever, Pressure, Confine
  • Suki Waterhouse: Pride & Prejudice & Zombies, Insurgent, Love Rosie
  • Dawn French: The Vicar of Dibley (TV), The Comic Strip Presents…(TV), Psychoville (TV), Lark Rise to Candleford (TV), Animals United (voice), Coraline (voice), French and Saunders (TV), The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe (voice), Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkhaban, Maybe Baby, The Adventures of Pinocchio (1996), Eat The Rich, The Supergrass, The Young Ones (TV)
  • Joan Collins: Molly Moon, Benidorm (TV), Saving Santa (voice), Footballers Wives (TV), The Flintstones 2, The Clandestine Marriage, A Midwinter’s Tale, Decadence, Dynasty (TV), The Bitch, Sunburn, The Stud, The Big Sleep (1978), The Bawdy Adventures of Tom Jones, Alfie 2, Football Crazy

ANTHROPOID

9 out of 10

UK / Czech Republic

REVIEW COMING SOON

Release date: 9th September 2016

Director: Sean Ellis (Metro Manilla / The Broken / Cashback)

Cast: Cillian Murphy, Jamie Dornan, Charlotte Le Bon, Anna Geislerova, Harry Lloyd, Hana Frejkova, Marcin Dorocinski, Sam Keeley with Bill Milner, Karel Roden and Toby Jones

Writer: Sean Ellis & Anthony Frewin

Trailer: ANTHROPOID

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR BEFORE?

  • Cillian Murphy: Dunkirk, Free Fire, In The Heart of the Sea, Peaky Blinders (TV), Transcendence, Broken (2013), The Dark Knight Rises, Red Lights, In Time, Retreat, Tron 2, Inception, The Dark Knight, Sunshine (2007), The Wind That Shakes The Barley, Breakfast On Pluto, Red Eye, Batman Begins, Cold Mountain, Girl With a Pearl Earring,  Intermission, Cold Mountain, 28 Days Later, Disco Pigs, The Trench
  • Jamie Dornan: Fifty Shades 3, Fifty Shades 2, The Fall (TV), The Siege of Jadotville, The 9th Life of Louis Drax, Fifty Shades of Grey, Racing Hearts, Beyond The Rave (TV), Marie Antoinette
  • Charlotte Le Bon: The Promise, Bastille Day aka The Take, The Walk, The Hundred Foot Journey, Mood Indigo
  • Harry Lloyd: Narcopolis, Wolf Hall (TV),  The Theory of EverythingThe Riot Club, The Iron Lady, Game Of Thrones (TV), Robin Hood (TV)
  • Sam Keeley: The Siege of Jadotville, Alleycats, AfterDeath, Burnt, Monsters 2, What Richard Did, This Is The Place
  • Bill Milner: iBoy, Locke (voice), Broken (2013), X Men – First Class, Sex & Drugs & Rock-N-Roll, Is Anybody There?, Son Of Rambow
  • Karel Roden: Angel (2015), Sword of Vengeance, Frankenstein’s Army, A Lonely Place To Die, Largo Winch: Deadly Vengeance, Rock-n-Rolla, The Bourne Supremacy, Mr Bean’s Holiday, Blade II, Hellboy, 15 Minutes
  • Toby Jones: The Snowman (2017), Tale of Tales, Morgan, Alice In Wonderland 2 (voice), The Man Who Knew Infinity, Dad’s Army, Serena, Hunger Games – Mockingjay 2, By The Gun, Marvellous, Muppets Most Wanted, Captain American 2, My Week With Marilyn, Snow White & The Huntsman,  The Berberian Sound Studio, The Hunger Games, Red Lights, Tintin (voice),Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows- part 1 (voice), Captain America, Your Highness, The Rite, Sex Drugs and Rock N’ Roll, St Trinians 2, Nightwatching, Creation, W., Frost / Nixon, City Of Ember, St Trinians, The Mist, The Painted Veil, Infamous, Mrs Henderson Presents, Finding Neverland, Ladies In Lavender, Harry Potter & The Chambers Of Secrets, Simon Magus