THE HATTON GARDEN JOB

3 out of 10

REVIEW COMING SOON

Release date: 14th April 2017

Director: Ronnie Thompson (I Am Soldier / Tower Block)

Cast: Matthew Goode, Phil Daniels, Larry Lamb, David Calder, Clive Russell, Mark Cooper Harris, Jack Doolan, Sam Adewunmi, Warren Brown, John Alford, Kugan Cassius with Stephen Moyer and Joely Richardson

Writer: Ray Bogdanovich & Dean Lines

Trailer: THE HATTON GARDEN JOB

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

  • Matthew Goode: Birthmarked, Guernsey, The Sense of An Ending, Allied, Self/Less, Pressure, The Imitation Game, Belle, Stoker, Cemetery Junction, Watchmen, A Single Man, Leap Year, Brideshead Revisted, Imagine Me & You, Match Point
  • Phil Daniels: Access All Areas, Vinyl, Eastenders (TV), Freebird, Outlaws (TV), Goodbye Charlie Bright, Nasty Neighbours, Chicken Run (voice), Bad Behaviour, Billy The Kid and Green Baize Vampire, Meantime, Scum, Zulu Dawn, Quadrophenia
  • Larry Lamb: Rise of the Footsoldier 3, Gavin and Stacey (TV), Eastenders (TV), Blood – The Last Vampire, The Bill (TV), Essex Boys, Buster
  • David Calder: Queen of the Desert, The Lost City of Z, The Lady In The Van, Rush (2013), Titanic (TV), The Mummy 3, Mr In-Between, The King Is Alive, James Bond – The World Is Not Enough, Fairytale, Hollow Reed, American Friends, Defence of the Realm, Widows 2 (TV), Widows (TV)
  • Clive Russell: Their Finest, Ripper Street (TV), Game of Thrones (TV), Still, Thor 2, Outpost 2, The Wicker Tree, Sherlock Holmes 2, Sherlock Holmes (2009), Coronation St (TV), The Wolfman (2009), Ladies In Lavender, Festival, Mr In-Between, The 13th Warrior, Oscar & Lucinda, Margaret’s Museum, The Hawk,  Neverwhere (TV), Soft Top – Hard Shoulder
  • Mark Cooper Harris: Once Upon a Time In London, Bonded By Blood 2, The Crypt, The Coven, Abducted, The Hooligan Wars,  GBHOffender, The HoldingOutside Bet
  • Jack Doolan: Bachelor Games, It’s a Lot, Green Street 3The FacilityMay I Kill U?Cockneys Vs. ZombiesDemons Never DieCemetery Junction
  • Warren Brown: Cargo, Genesis, Kicking Off, Captain Webb, Luther (TV), Borrowed Time, Dead Set (TV)
  • John Alford: Mike Bassett – England Manager, London’s Burning (TV), Grange Hill (TV)
  • Stephen Moyer: Detour, True Blood (TV), Devil’s Knot, The Double (2011), Priest (2011), Quills, Prince Valiant, The Grand (TV)
  • Joely Richardson: The Time Of Their Lives, Snowden, The Messenger (2015), Maggie, Endless Love (2014), Vampire Academy, Red Lights, The Girl With a Dragon Tattoo (2011), Anonymous, The Tudors (TV), Nip / Tuck (TV), The Last Mimzy, Shoreditch, The Patriot, Maybe Baby, Return To Me, Event Horizon, 101 Dalmatians (1997), Hollow Reed, Loch Ness, Sister My Sister, I’ll Do Anything, Lady Chatterley (TV), Rebecca’s Daughters, Shining Through, King Ralph, Drowning By Numbers

HOUSE OF EVIL

4 out of 10

UK / Italy co-production

REVIEW COMING SOON

Release date: 29th May 2017 (DVD premiere)

Director: Luca Boni & Marco Ristori (Reich of the Dead)

Cast: Lucy Drive, Andrew Harwood-Mills, Desiree Giorgetti and David White

Writer: Raffaele Picchio & Lorenzo Paviano

Trailer: HOUSE OF EVIL

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

HECTOR

7 out of 10

REVIEW COMING SOON

Release date: 11th December 2015

Director: Jake Gavin

Cast: Peter Mullan, Natalie Gavin, Sarah Solemani, Keith Allen, Laurie Ventry,  Ewan Stewart, James Tarpey, Christine Tremarco,  Darren Connolly, Hardeep Singh Kohli, Finlay McLean, Sharon Rooney, with Gina McKee and Stephen Tompkinson

Writer: Jake Gavin

Trailer: HECTOR

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

  • Peter Mullan: Keepers, Sunset Song, Sunshine On Leith, Hercules (2014), The LiabilityWelcome To The PunchThe Man Inside (2012), War Horse, TyrannosaurNeds, True North, Children Of Men, Criminal (2004), The Magdalene Sisters (director), On a Clear Day, Young Adam, The Claim (2000), Orphans (director), Miss Julie, My Name Is Joe, Trainspotting, Shallow Grave, Riff Raff
  • Natalie Gavin: The Knife That Killed Me, The Arbor, Shameless (TV)
  • Sarah Solemani: Bridget Jones 3, The Bad Education Movie, The Wrong Mans (TV), Psychobitches (TV), Bad Education (TV)
  • Keith Allen: Vengeance, 2Hrs, Eddie The Eagle, North V SouthBlood Shot, The Last Showing, Vinyl, The Magnificent Eleven, Come On Eileen, The Good Night, De-Lovely, 24 Hour Party People, The Others, Rancid Aluminium, Preaching To The Perverted, Twin Town, Trainspotting, Loch Ness, Blue Juice, Shallow Grave, Second Best, Captives, Beyond Bedlam, The Young Americans. The Comic Strip (TV), Carry On Columbus, Rebecca’s Daughters, Kafka, Making Out (TV), Chicago Joe & The Showgirl, Scandal, The Supergrass
  • Laurie Ventry: The Magdalene Sisters, Late Night Shopping
  • Ewan Stewart: Florence Foster Jenkins, Valhalla Rising, One Last Chance, Young Adam, The Closer You Get, Titanic (1997), Stella Does Tricks
  • James Tarpey: Robot Overlords, The Beat Beneath My Feet
  • Christine Tremarco: ID2, Casualty (TV), Outcast (2010), Waterloo Road (TV), Anita & Me, Clocking Off (TV), Face, Under The Skin (1997), Priest (1994)
  • Darren Connolly: The Caravan
  • Hardeep Singh Kohli: The Wright Stuff (TV), Meet The Magoons (TV), The One Show (TV), Celebrity Masterchef (TV)
  • Finlay McLean: Regeneration
  • Sharon Rooney: My Mad Fat Diary (TV)
  • Gina McKee: Line of Duty (TV), In The Loop, When Was The Last Time You Saw Your Father, Atonement, Scenes of a Sexual Nature, The Adventures of Greyfriars Bobby, Mirrormask, The Forsyte Saga (TV), The Lost Prince, The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, There’s Only One Jimmy Grimble, Wonderland (2000), Notting Hill, The Loss of Sexual Innocence, Croupier, Brass Eye (TV), Our Friends In The North (TV), Naked, Wilt, The Rachel Papers, The Lenny Henry Show (TV), The Lair of the White Worm
  • Stephen Tompkinson: Walk Like a Panther, A Dark Reflection, DCI Banks (TV), Detective Harrigan, Truckers (TV) Prime Suspect 7 (TV), Hotel Splendide, Drop The Dead Donkey (TV), Brassed Off, All Quiet On The Preston Front (TV), Minder (TV), Chancer (TV)

HARD TIDE

4.5 out of 10

REVIEW COMING SOON

Release date: 21st November 2016 (DVD Premiere)

Director: Nathaneal Wiseman & Robert Osman

Cast: Nathaneal Wiseman, Alexandra Newick, Mem Ferda, Oliver Stark, Katarina Gellin, Andy Lucas, Beverly Hills, Grant Davis, Veronica Jane Trickett, Jel Djelal, Daniel Nehme with Sean Cronin and Ralph Brown

Writer: Nathaneal Wiseman & Robert Osman

Trailer:  HARD TIDE

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

HIDE & SEEK (2016)

7 out of 10

Release Date: 18 July 2016 (DVD Premiere)

Director: Joanna Coates

Cast: Hannah Arterton, Rea Mole, Josh O’Connor, Daniel Metz and Joe Banks

Writer: Joanna Coates & Daniel Metz

Trailer: HIDE & SEEK

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Hide & Seek is an unusual and fairly unique movie about a small commune for damaged people leaving their boring lives behind. Nothing is confirmed, and back stories are vague but what we do learn is that Leah (REA MOLE) is the owner of the property and possibly the designer of the cult’s routines. The other three – two boys and one girl alternate at sleeping in the marital bed with a different member each evening. The days are filled with playing games and sharing time preparing meals and going for walks around their idyllic Herefordshire locale.

Tensions rarely bubble to the surface and each member seems to be at ease with the processes. Only Jack (DANIEL METZ – COMPUTER CHESS) comes across as peculiar – all four take the routines seriously.  Charlotte’s (HANNAH ARTERTON – BURN BURN BURN) boyfriend Simon (JOE BANKS) shows up one day. He tells Charlotte that he loves her and wants to understand more about the group.

Within the ‘bubble’ all these fragile souls seem to enjoy the endless days of make believe and easy sex. The high emphasis on their performance art and play acting forcibly creates a disconnect with the real world and this rubs off onto the film itself making it an aloof and unusually cool customer for a no-budget britpic. You look for answers because the characters’ lives invite questions and our interest. Like the group though and like Simon, you are invited in to watch but you don’t feel included. It’s a clever and smart little film that doesn’t overstay its welcome and it features some nice performances, along with apt cinematography that hints that this ‘summer of love’ won’t last forever and we’ve just watched a film about the cult’s hey day.

7 out of 10 – A nice change of pace and story. It won’t be everybody’s cup of tea but much of the shenanigans ring true, emotionally, so for all it’s hipster leanings, it still has a beating heart.  Short, neat, and fairly original.

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

  • Hannah Arterton: Burn Burn Burn, Walking On Sunshine
  • Josh O’Connor: Florence Foster Jenkins, The Program, Ripper Street (TV), Peaky Blinders (TV), The Riot Club
  • Daniel Metz: Computer Chess

HATTON GARDEN – THE HEIST

2 out of 10

Release Date: 17th October 2016 (DVD Premiere)

Director: Terry Lee Coker (Essex Vendetta)

Cast: Michael McKell, Sidney Livingstone, Robert Putt, James Osborne, Sidney Kean with Tony (AG) Armstrong and Ian Burfield

Writer: Terry Lee Coker, Michael McKell and Ian Burfield

Trailer: HATTON GARDEN – THE HEIST

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Based on his short track record so far, Terry Lee Coker the film director is in the same league as Steve M Smith in the talent stakes. As a scriptwriter, he’s slightly better as he wrote but never directed Hooligan Legacy, which remains one of the best films with the word ‘Hooligan’ in the title. However, based on his script duties here and for the previous Essex Vendetta, something, somewhere doesn’t add up. I won’t spell it out.

To the film, Hatton Garden,  Coker’s second film as director and his second collaboration with part-time crooner Michael McKell (DOCTORS) and Ian Burfield (THE INTERNATIONAL), two reasonably decent actors.  Moving on from the tedious Essex Boys murders, here’s the first in a series of repetitive films about the Hatton Garden Diamond Heist. Perpertrated by four OAPS and a younger mystery man called Basil, judging by this film the aftermath was far more interesting then the set-up, my god this film is boring and dare I say it pointless.

The leading actors who portray the four robbers (there were six in real life) make the cast of the Last of the Summer Wine look like the cast of Avenger’s Assemble.  It’s like watching an episode of Eastenders where the cast filled their shoes with concrete and took a whopping does of ketamine. The director looks like he left the catering staff to do his job and it’s just a shambles but a boring one at the that. Short lines of dialogue are delviered slowly and the gaps between lines of dialogue are gargantuan, and it’s not Pinter. It’s zed-grade drama, thin tension and a completely rush job. The only thing this film succeeds in doing is making Essex Vendetta seem interesting. And that is a proper achievement.

As the four lags are found, they proceed to run rings and some very stupid cops in some of the worst police interrogation scenes you’ll ever see. This even gives Steve Dolton’s cop in the Haunting of Annie Dyer a run for its money. And these scenes are the best at highlighting what a lazy attempt to cash in on a famous crime this is.

2 out of 10 – Slapdash and boring, this could be the worst heist you’ll ever see. Shat on Gardens more like.

Another review by Matt Usher below

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

THE HAUNTING OF ANNIE DYER

 0.5 out of 10

Release Date: 26th September 2016 (DVD Premiere)

Director: Georg E. Lewis (aka Steve Lawson) (Essex Heist / Footsoldier / Killer/Saurus / The Silencer)

Cast: Raven Lee, Jonathan Hansler, June Bladon, Toni Lou Frost and Steven Dolton

Writer: Steve Lawson

Trailer: THE HAUNTING OF ANNIE DYER

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Director / writer Steve Lawson and his partners must be trying to crack their way into the soft-porn industry. I actually think they’ve tricked me into watching a super-natural take on Electric Blue. The badly dubbed, perfunctory script, terrible acting and very lazy plot only serves to confirm my fears. If it’s not a soft porn film then what we have instead is probably the biggest show of contempt for a movie watching audience committed to video ever. It’s shockingly bad.

Every plot point is telegraphed and the pace is very slow. The tone is wobbly, jumping from high comedy to dopey horror shenanigans in seconds. Firstly let’s take a look at the plot. Annie Dyer (RAVEN LEE) is a big breasted brunette with the acting skills of a constipated budgie. She’s drawn to a flat, so rents it from pervy Mr Fitz (JONATHAN HANSLER – ART ACHE) who’s too busy doing a reprise of his manic comedy turn from f*ck-awful Axed to know he’s in a horror. Unfortunately, immediately after moving in, she gets plagued by a haunted cup, then whenever she gets undressed her kitchen cupboards start to giggle and make comic horror laughter, then electric smoke billows around the flat. These effects only serve to obscure Annie Dyer’s nipples and furry bits. She then calls in a very docile supernatural expert who may hold the key to the ghost mystery. Just who is haunting Annie? And why is she now in a mental hospital being questioned by rent-a-plank Steve Dolton (ROBERT 2)? The plot conveniently solves unknowable twists with lazy conceits even the writers of The X-Files or Dallas never dared to.  No, I won’t spoil the ending, but you’ll see it coming in the prelude. Yes, really, this film is made by twonks for twonks.

The nudity seems to have been included because the director wanted to see some trim for himself. A convoluted way to see some boobs by making a film filmed with soft-porn actresses and models. Without getting personal against people I’ve never met, the film does like it’s been cast with escort girls, plus Hansler and Dolton.

The laughing kitchen cupboards will make your jaw hit the floor in disbelief, but at least someone made use of the old BBC prop department from the ’80s. Steve Lawson looks like he’s rescued the talking kitchen furniture from The Young Ones. Good one him. Maybe he can employ SPG for his next film instead of Raven Lee.

There’s nothing good about this film except for the score. The music is actually fit for purpose, atmospheric and suited a way better horror film. Shame its used to wallpaper this very poor excuse for entertainment.

Message to the director: Please make a sequel to The Silencer Steve, all will be forgiven. Where’s Glenn Salvage when you need him?

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0.25 out of 10 – One of the worst films I’ve ever seen and I’ve been the editor of Britpic for 4 years now and seen a lot of sh*t. This makes the directors homemade debut The Silencer look like an epic masterpiece of film wizardry.

Another review by Matt The Flusher Usher is below

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?