MY NAME IS LENNY

3.5 out of 10

REVIEW COMING SOON

Release date: 12th June 2017 (DVD premiere)

Director: Ron Scalpello (Pressure / Offender)

Cast: Josh Helman, Chanel Cresswell, Nick Moran, Charley Palmer-Rothwell, Jennifer Brooke, Michael Bisping, George Russo, Frankie Oatway, Nicola Duffett with John Hurt, Martin Askew and Rita Tushingham

Writer: Paul Van Carter & Martin Askew

Trailer: MY NAME IS LENNY

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

  • Josh Helman: Wayward Pines (TV), X Men 6, Mad Max 4, X Men 5, Jack Reacher, Animal Kingdom, Home and Away (TV)
  • Chanel Cresswell: Trollied (TV), The Aliens (TV), This Is England 90 (TV), Bypass, This Is England 88 (TV), This Is England 86 (TV), This Is England
  • Nick Moran: Accident Man, The Habit of Beauty, Eat Local, Terminal, London Heist, Don’t Knock TwiceAge of Kill, Down Dog, Death (2014)St George’s DayThe Kid (2010) (dir), Goal 3, Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows Pt 1 & 2, Telstar (dir), The Baby Juice Express, Puritan, The Musketeer, Another Life, Rancid Aluminium, Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
  • Charley Palmer-Rothwell: iBoy, Legend (2015), The Guvnors, It’s a Lot
  • Jennifer Brooke: Hollyoaks (TV)
  • Michael Bisping: Triple Threat, xXx 3, The Anomaly, Plastic, Hollyoaks Later (TV), Beatdown
  • George Russo: London Heist, Bonded By Blood 2, Top Dog, I Am Soldier, Green Street 3Turnout, Zebra Crossing, Tony
  • Nicola Duffett: Gangsters Gamblers and Geezers, Family Affairs (TV), Shooting Fish, Eastenders (TV), Mad Dogs and Englishmen, Howard’s End
  • John Hurt: That Good Night, Damascus Cover, The Journey, Jackie, ChickLit, Snowpiercer, Hercules (2014), Only Lovers Left Alive, Doctor Who – Day of the Doctor, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy,  Immortals (2011), Brighton Rock (2011),  Harry Potter 1,7 & 8, Melancholia,  New York I Love You, 44 Inch Chest, The Limits Of Control, V For Vendetta, Hellboy 1 & 2, Outlander, Indiana Jones and The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull, Perfume, The Oxford Murders, The Skeleton Key, Captain Corelli’s Mandolin,  The Proposition, Lost Souls, Contact, Night Train, You’re Dead, All The Little Animals, Love and Death On Long Island, WIld Bill (1995), Dead Man, Rob Roy, Second Best, Even Cowgirls Get The Blues, Monolith, King Ralph, The Field, Scandal, White Mischief, Heaven’s Gate, The Elephant Man, 1984, Watership Down (voice), Midnight Express, Alien, The Naked Civil Servant, 10 Rillington Place, Little Malcolm
  • Martin Askew: Snow In Paradise
  • Rita Tushingham: The Wee Man, Outside Bet, Swing (1999), Under The Skin, The Boy From Mercury, An Awfully Big Adventure, Resurrected, Bread (TV), The Leather Boys

MOLLY MOON & THE INCREDIBLE BOOK OF HYPNOTISM

3.5 out of 10

REVIEW COMING SOON

Release date: 2nd December 2016

Director: Christopher N Rowley

Cast: Raffey Cassidy, Dominic Monaghan, Lesley Manville, Jadon Carnelly-Morris, Ben Miller, Sadie Frost, Annie-Marie Duff, Celia Imrie, Tallulah Evans, Tom Wisdom, Fern Deacon and Emily Watson with Omid Djalili, Gary Kemp and Joan Collins

Writer: Christopher N Rowley, Tom Butterworth, Georgia Bing, and Chris Hurford

Trailer: MOLLY MOON

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

MY FERAL HEART

8 out of 10

REVIEW COMING SOON

Release date: 4th November 2016

Director: Jane Gull

Cast: Steven Brandon, Shana Swash, Will Rastall, Eileen Pollock, Keith Chanter with Pixie Le Knot and Susanna Hamilton

Writer: Duncan Paveling

Trailer: MY FERAL HEART

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

  • Shana Swash: Eastenders (TV)
  • Eileen Pollock: Bread (TV)
  • Susanna Hamilton: McCallum (TV), Casualty (TV), Tale of a Vampire, Wish Me Luck (TV), Out of Africa, 1984, Brimstone & Treacle, The Wildcats of St Trinians, Tess, Swallows and Amazons (1974)

MOTHER’S MILK

2 out of 10

Release Date: 9th November 2012

Director: Gerald Fox

Cast: Jack Davenport, Adrian Dunbar, Annabel Mullion, Thomas Underhill, Diana Quick, Annette Badland, Flora Montgomery, Robert Portal, Jane How and Margaret Tyzack

Writer: Gerald Fox / Edward St. Aubyn

Trailer: MOTHER’S MILK

mothers+milk

Mother’s Milk is a dreary, amateurish adaptation of Edward St.Aubyn‘s novel about a son (JACK DAVENPORT – THIS LIFE) who is about to be disinherited by his mother (MARGARET TYZACK – 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY). The mother intends to leave her mansion in the south of France to a hippie, health guru (ADRIAN DUNBAR – HEAR MY SONG). The son takes his family along for one last summer holiday in an attempt to reverse his fortunes. His young son (THOMAS UNDERHILL – PAPADOPOULOS & SONS) watches from a far contributing one of two unfunny, miserable and depressing narrations. His father does the other.

The miserable pair fail miserably at having a good time or achieving the mission to get the house back from the new age hippies. The father drinks whiskey and womanises, whilst the son just observes and feels jealous of his baby brother. It’s one sad set-piece after antoher which is so wobbly of tone, you’re not sure if you’re watching a comedy or a tragedy. It’s more the latter, because any attempts at humour are met with a groan. Both leads talk as if they’re confiding in you and that you’re actually in agreement with their schemes, when everybody in sight is a money grabbing toss pot. Actually, the supposed villain of the piece (Dunbar) actually comes across most sympathetic, even though he is a charlatan. At least he’s a nice one.

The pace is funereal and the scenes are shot with a laziness that is indemic throughout the film.  Pity the decent actors who are stymied by upper middle class cliches and a lack of tasty dialogue. I’ve not read the book but I don’t think I’d get much pleasure reading about this group of self-entitled, wimps, pissheads and ingrates.

2 out of 10 – Awful film. Makes you hate people with money. It’s so cack you end up rooting for the baddie!

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

  • Jack Davenport: The Tank, Kingsman – The Secret Service, Pirates of the Caribbean 3, Pirates of the Caribbean 2, The Wedding Date, The Libertine, Pirates of the Caribbean, The Bunker, The Talented Mr Ripley, The Wisdom of Crocodiles
  • Adrian Dunbar: The Hollow Crown (TV), The Line of Duty (TV), Good Vibrations, Shooters, Wild About Harry, The Wedding Tackle, The General (1998), Richard III (1995), The Near Room, Innocent Lies, Widow’s Peak, The Crying Game, The Playboys, Hear My Song, My Left Foot
  • Annabel Mullion: Me Without You, Carrington
  • Thomas Underhill: Papadopoulos & Sons
  • Diana Quick: Dr Who (voice)(TV), Revenger’s Tragedy, The Affair of the Necklace, Saving Grace, Vigo, The Leading Man, Nostradamus, Wilt, Vroom, Brideshead Revisited (TV), The Big Sleep, The Duellists
  • Annette Badland: Eastenders (TV), Outlander (TV), Legacy – Black Ops, Three and Out, Cutting It (TV), Dr Who (TV), Valiant (voice), Club Le Monde, Honest, Little Voice, 24-7 – Twentyfourseven, Hollow Reed, Angels and Insects, Captives, Beyond Bedlam, Anchoress, Making Out (TV), Bergerac (TV), Jabberwocky
  • Flora Montgomery: Basic Instinct 2, When Brendan Met Trudy
  • Robert Portal: Eat Local, 6 Days, Kids In Love, United We FallMr Turner, In Your Dreams, Stiff Upper Lips, Mrs Dalloway
  • Jane How: Eastenders (TV), Dr Who (TV)
  • Margaret Tyzack: Match Point, Bright Young Things, Mrs Dalloway, The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles (TV), The King’s Whore, Prick Up Your Ears, The Quatermass Conclusion, I Claudius (TV), A Clockwork Orange, Jackanory (TV), 2001 – A Space Odyssey

MOB HANDED

1 out of 10

Release Date: 13th June 2016 (DVD Premiere)

Director: Liam Galvin (Killer Bitch)

Cast: Yvette Rowland, Robin Reid, Leslie Grantham, Robert Pereno, Jeff Stewart, Jason Marriner, Jess Conrad, Claire Toeman, Vidal Sancho, Holly Gibbs, Jon Campling, Cass Pennant, Lucy Drive, Richard Lawrence, Robin Kermode, Lucinda Rhodes and Chris Ellison with Cathy Tyson, Danniella Westbrook, Charlie Bronson (voice) with Lysette Anthony and Dave Courtney

Writer: Liam Galvin

Trailer: MOB HANDED

mob-handed-382684-poster

To mark the sad occasion of leaving Europe today, I will write a review for Mob Handed. Britain better get used to it but all our films are going to be like this from now on. Screeching like a hysterical tabloid we have another vigilante flick from the makers of Killer Bitch. What’s scary is this is actually attempts to say something worthwhile about the treatment of paedophiles in the UK by the government. The makers of Mob Handed think they’re speaking for all us when they say offenders should be killed by the public in various disgusting ways. I won’t go on record and say I support this, but I do also despair at the way child molesters are treated with by the law (too lightly).  Tackling this conundrum as an exploitation flick that no MP will ever see is about like preaching to the choir. It’s also over the top, gratuitous and largely insensitive in it’s portrayal of victims of sex crime – male, female, old and young.

The film follows the progress of a dandy paedo called The Nonce (ROBERT PERENO – BILLY THE KID AND THE GREEN BAIZE VAMPIRE) as he rapes underage school girls.  One is even chased into the woods accompanied (not to a scary orchestral score) but a Status Quo-like rocker song as if inviting us to get in on the act as comedy. Investigating journalist, The Journalist (YVETTE ROWLAND – KILLER BITCH) is on the case until her daughter (HOLLY GIBBS –  THE STORY OF TRACEY BEAKER) gets raped then has her head sawn off in front of her by The Nonce.  She reaches out to a crack team of vigilantes led by a renegade MP with an appetite for dirty sex (CLARE TOEMAN), The Executioner (ROBIN REID – KILLER BITCH) and Jason (JASON MARRINER – KILLER BITCH). They start a war against The Nonce and stumble on a conspiracy that unveils a ring of paedos at the top of the government – here represented by 60’s singer Jess Conrad  (THE GREAT ROCK N ROLL SWINDLE) as The Judge.

And so it goes from one tatty scene to the next. It’s a little bit more ‘finished’ than Killer Bitch but a lot less fun, as this film is shouting at you LOOK THIS IS BAD, THIS IS WRONG, IF WE WERE IN POWER WE’D DO THIS AND YOU THINK THE SAME. If you don’t YOU MUST BE  A KIDDIE FIDDLER TOO!  It’s right-winger heaven. A bunch of ex-crims turn up for duty again, this time Cass Pennant is The Chauffeur and has no lines (or was I asleep), Dave Courtney (KILLER BITCH) enjoys himself in the only awesome scene as the Tank Killer. Which would have been more at home in Killer Bitch. Pity the talented Jeff Stewart (THE BILL) who was the sole reason to watch The Bill (as Reg Hollis) who overacts and is a hollow shell of his former glory. Someone get him another great role on a good telly show. Fellow TV actors like Lysette Anthony (KRULL), Chris Ellison (THE BILL) and Leslie Grantham (EASTENDERS) actually bother to act, but its no use – they are both wiped off stage by the appalling Yvette Rowland. The script is tabloid stupid, it’s ridiculously self-righteous one minute, then a retrograde exploitationer the next. I think the director was drunk, because everything is slapdash and rushed and it shows. The camera man was drinking from the same bottle too, as I think they just showed a passerby how to switch on one and got him to hold it follow the action (roughly).

Like I said, now we’ve left the EU, expect all our films to be like this. Flapping lips and pointing fingers and getting angry when we don’t agree with their right wing ways. The only good thing is that none of the paedos were played by immigrants! It does have poetry by Charlie Bronson in it though… Yeah!

1 out of 10 – Filmed in Turd-0-vision for the brainless. This has a real contempt for it’s audience, as it boils complex issues down to the very basics. Makes Killer Bitch look like a delicious prospect.

Second review below by Matt Usher

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

 

 

 

THE MAN WHO KNEW INFINITY

6 out of 10

REVIEW COMING SOON

Release Date: 8th April 2016

Director: Matthew Brown

Cast: Dev Patel, Jeremy Irons, Devika Bhise, Kevin McNally, Jeremy Northam, Dhritman Chatterjee, Padraic Delaney, Anthony Calf, Arundathi Nag, Shazad Latif, Nicholas Agnew with Toby Jones and Stephen Fry

Writer: Matthew Brown

Trailer: The Man Who Knew Infinity

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

  • Dev Patel: Lion, The Second Best Marigold Hotel, Chappie, The Newsroom (TV), Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, The Last Airbender, Slumdog Millionnaire, Skins (TV)
  • Jeremy Irons: Assassin’s Creed,  Batman vs Superman, High-Rise, Beautiful Creatures, Night Train To Lisbon, Margin Call, The Pink Panther 2, Appaloosa, Eragon, Inland Empire, Casanova, Kingdom of Heaven, Being Julia, The Merchant of Venice (2004), The Time Machine, Dungeons and Dragons, The Man In The Iron Mask (1998), Lolita (1997), Stealing Beauty, Die Hard 3, The Lion King (voice), The House of Spirits, M. Butterfly, Kafka, Damage, Waterland, Reversal of Fortune, Dead Ringers, The Mission (1986), Swann In Love, Brideshead Revisited (TV), The French Lieutenant’s Woman, Playaway (TV)
  • Devika Bhise: The Accidental Husband
  • Kevin McNally: Pirates of the Caribbean 5, Legend (2015), The Mill (TV), Downton Abbey (TV), The Raven, Pirates of the Caribbean 4, Valkyrie, Pirates of the Caribbean 3, Pirates of the Caribbean 2, Scoop, The Phantom of the Opera (2004), De-Lovely, Pirates of the Caribbean, Johnny English, High Heels and Low Lifes, When The Sky Falls, Dad (TV), Entrapment, The Legend of 1900, Sliding Doors, Spice World, Cry Freedom, Dr Who (TV), The Long Good Friday, Poldark (1977) (TV)
  • Jeremy Northam: Our Kind of Traitor, Eye In The Sky, Glorious 39, Creation, Dean Spanley, The Tudors (TV), The Invasion (2007), A Cock & Bull Story, Guy X, The Singing Detective, Cypher, Possession (2002), Gosford Park, Enigma, The Golden Bowl, The Winslow Boy, An Ideal Husband, Happy Texas, The Tribe, Amistad, Mimic, Emma, The Net, Carrington, Soft Top Hard Shoulder, Wuthering Heights (1992), Wish Me Luck (TV)
  • Dhritman Chatterjee: Midnight’s Children, Holy Smoke
  • Padraic Delaney: Blackthorn, Perrier’s Bounty, The Tudors (TV), The Wind That Shakes The Barley
  • Anthony Calf: New Tricks (TV), Upstairs Downstairs (TV), Straightheads, Holby City (TV), The Madness of King George III, Great Expectations ’91 (TV), My Family and Other Animals (TV), Oxford Blues, Beau Geste (TV)
  • Shazad Latif: Penny Dreadful (TV), Toast of London (TV), We Are Monster, Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, Spooks (TV)
  • Toby Jones: Alice In Wonderland 2 (voice), Dad’s Army, Serena, Hunger Games – Mockingjay 2, By The Gun, Marvellous, Muppets Most Wanted, Captain American 2, My Week With Marilyn, Snow White & The Huntsman,  The Berberian Sound Studio, The Hunger Games, Red Lights, Tintin (voice),Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows- part 1 (voice), Captain America, Your Highness, The Rite, Sex Drugs and Rock N’ Roll, St Trinians 2, Nightwatching, Creation, W., Frost / Nixon, City Of Ember, St Trinians, The Mist, The Painted Veil, Infamous, Mrs Henderson Presents, Finding Neverland, Ladies In Lavender, Harry Potter & The Chambers Of Secrets, Simon Magus
  • Stephen Fry: Tomorrow (2016), Love & Friendship, Alice In Wonderland 2 (voice), Dangermouse (TV) (voice), The Hobbit – The Battle of the Five Armies, The Hobbit- The Desolation Of Smaug, A Liar’s Autobiography (voice) The Look Of Love, QI (TV), Stephen Fry- Gadget Man (TV), Sherlock Holmes 2, Alice In Wonderland (voice), St Trinians, Alex Rider- Stormbreaker, V For Vendetta, A Cock and Bull Story, Mirrormask (voice), Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy (2005) (voice), The Life and Death Of Peter Sellers, Tooth, Le Divorce, Bright Young Things, Thunderpants, Gosford Park, Relative Values, Best, Whatever Happened To Harold Smith?, A Civil Action, The Tichborne Claimant, Spiceworld, Wilde, The Wind In The Willows (1996), The Steal, Cold Comfort Farm, IQ, Jeeves and Wooster (TV), Peter’s Friends, This Is David Lander (TV),  A Fish Called Wanda, A Handful Of Dust, Blackadder (TV), A Bit Of Fry and Laurie (TV)

 

MISS YOU ALREADY

2.5 out of 10

REVIEW COMING SOON

Release Date: 25th September 2015

Director: Catherine Hardwicke (Plush / Red Riding Hood (2011) / Twilight / The Nativity Story / Lords of Dogtown / Thirteen)

Cast: Drew Barrymore, Toni Collette, Dominic Cooper, Paddy Considine, Tyson Ritter, Silas Carson, Mem Ferda, Tony Denham with Frances De La Tour and Jacqueline Bisset

Writer: Morwenna Banks

Trailer: MISS YOU ALREADY

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

  • Drew Barrymore: Blended, Big Mirace, Going The Distance, Everybody’s Fine, Whip It, He Just Not That Into You, Beverly Hills Chihuahua (voice), Lucky You, Music & Lyrics, Fever Pitch (2005), 50 First Dates, Duplex, Charlie’s Angels 2, Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, Riding In Cars With Boys, Freddy Got Fingered, Donnie Darko, Charlie’s Angels, Titan AE (voice), Never Been Kissed, Ever After, The Wedding Singer, Best Men, Scream, Everybody Says I Love You, Batman Forever, Boys On The Side, Wayne’s World 2, Doppelganger, Waxwork 2, Poison Ivy, Cat’s Eye, Irreconcilable Differences, Firestarter, ET, Altered States
  • Toni Collette: Blinky Bill Movie (voice), Krampus, Glassland, The Boxtrolls (voice), Hector and the Search For Happiness, Tammy, A Long Way Down, The Way Way Back, Mental, Hitchcock, Fright Night (2011), The Like Minds, The Dead Girl, The Night Listener, Little Miss Sunshine, In Her Shoes, A Japanese Story, The Hours, Dirty Deeds, About a Boy, Changing Lanes, Hotel Splendide, Shaft, The Sixth Sense, 8.5 Women, Velvet Goldmine, The Boys, The James Gang, Clockwatchers, Emma (1996), The Pallbearer, Cosi, Muriel’s Wedding, Spotswood
  • Dominic Cooper: Warcraft, Preacher (TV), The Lady In The Van, Agents of SHIELD (TV), Dracula Untold, Need For Speed, Fleming (TV), Summer In February, My Week With Marilyn, Abraham Lincoln – Vampire Slayer, The Devil’s Double, Captain America, Tamara Drewe, An Education, The Duchess, Mamma Mia!, The Escapist, The History Boys, Starter For 10
  • Paddy Considine: Journeyman, Peaky Blinders (TV),  Macbeth (2015), Child 44, Pride (2014), HonourThe Double (2014), The World’s End, Tyrannosaur (dir), Now Is Good, BlitzSubmarine, Le Donk and Scorasayzee, The Bourne Ultimatum, Hot Fuzz, Stoned, Cinderella Man, My Summer Of Love, Dead Man’s Shoes, In America, 24 Hour Party People, The Martins, Born Romatic, Last Resort, A Room For Romeo Brass
  • Tyson Ritter: Lewis & Clark (TV), Parenthood (TV), The House Bunny
  • Silas Carson: Blood Cells, The C Word, The Casual Vacancy (TV), The Dying of the Light, Locke (voice), It’s a Lot, CleanskinPimp, Star Wars – The Phantom Menace (voice), Star Wars – Attack Of The Clones (voice), Star Wars – Revenge Of The Sith (voice)
  • Mem Ferda: Eliminators, London Heist, Breakdown (2016)Hyena, Plastic, Pusher (2012)Ill Manors, Legacy- Black Ops, The Devil’s Double, The Crew
  • Tony Denham: We Still Steal The Old Way, Bonded By Blood 2, London Heist, Age of Kill,  The Guvnors, We Still Kill The Old Way, The Hooligan Factory, Vendetta, Essex Boys RetributionWhite Collar Hooligan 2Fall Of The Essex BoysSt. George’s DayTurnout, The Shouting Men, Revolver, The Football Factory
  • Frances de la Tour: Alice In Wonderland 2, Vicious (TV),  The Lady In The Van, Survivor, Mr Holmes, Into The Woods, Trap for Cinderella, Private Peaceful, Hugo, Harry Potter- Parts 4 & 7, Alice In Wonderland (2010), The Book Of Eli, The History Boys, Rising Damp (TV)
  • Jacqueline Bisset: Welcome To New York, Nip/Tuck (TV), Save The Last Dance 2, Domino, Wild Orchid, Scenes from the Class Struggle in Beverly Hills, Under The Volcano, The Deep (1977), Day For Night, Murder On The Orient Express, Airport, Bullitt, Casino Royale (1967), Cul-de-Sac