LEFT FOR DEAD

2 out of 10

Release Date: 1st November 2006 (DVD Premiere)

Director: Ross Boyask (Warrioress / Ten Dead Men)

Cast: Glenn Salvage, Andy Prior, Adam Chapman, Kevin Akehurst, Adrian Foiadelli, PL Hobden, Vicki Vilas, Adam Hawkins with John Rackham and Nelson E Ward

Writer: Ross Boyask, PI Hobden, Adrian Foiadelli

Trailer: LEFT FOR DEAD

MV5BMTIxMjgyMDc4OF5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwODAyNzczMQ@@._V1_SY317_CR4,0,214,317_AL_The cut-price John Woo-wannabe from Brighton, director Ross Boyask, made two kung-fu flicks at his local gym – the second was Ten Dead Men and his first was this!  Starring the permanently vexed looking and lanky Glenn Salvage (UNDERGROUND) as the gang enforcer, Williams who wants to go straight, you know where this is going before you press play on your DVD. Unfortunately, his evil boss Kincaid (ADAM CHAPMAN) decrees that “Nobody leaves!” so he orders him to be executed after a hostile takeover – that opens the movie.  One thing Kincaid never took into account was how fast and smart Williams is. He outsmarts his two fellow hardmen, Kevin Akehurst  and Adrian Foiadelli as Dylan and Taylor, and goes into hiding. Later on he teams up with a boxer, played by Andy Prior, who Kincaid has bought to throw fights. The film culiminates in a massive long martial arts battle in said local gym. Look closely and you will spot Britpic stalwarts Steve Lawson and Joey Ansah amongst the doomed opponents.

Ten Dead Men was more accomplished because it had a better (but equally challenged) cast and a decent fight choreographer. Here the script is of the bog-standard verbal stage direction variety. And our leading man Glenn Salvage says all his lines hopping on foot like someone else in desperate need of a toilet. He hisses his lines with a strange desperation. As the film moves into ‘odd-couple’ territory, Left For Dead begins to contain the worst-acted action buddy team up ever. The fighting is patchy too. Only a handful of scenes look the business – otherwise it’s littered with clunky combat and is often reminiscent of the ‘Brock Landers’ action-porn spoofs that appeared in Boogie Nights – remember?

Here’s a clip from Brock Landers: Link

In a word, this is a fan-made homage made by the director, Ross Boyask, with his pals on the weekend as a male bonding exercise. It does show some ambition yet his later film Ten Dead Men is a better attempt at an action flick. His latest was the diabolical Warrioress. Anyone that’s bought Left For Dead though is bound to be disappointed unless homemade kung-fu flicks are their thing.

2 out of 10 – The ordinary plot keeps this one going. This plus a strange fascination with the leading man Glenn Salvage’s pony tail-goatee combo – which give him a distinct look and style to carry on his movie career. Yes his pony tail could do that for him. He does need acting lessons though but I’ll take this opportunity to send readers of this review in the direction of Steve Lawson’s The Silencer (for which Salvage is also the lead)…  His brief career as leading man has been chronicled on this site, Joe Pesci II even has a man-crush or a regular ‘gay’ crush on him. Not sure.

editor’s note – Glenn Salvage no longer has a pony-tail 😦

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

FAINTHEART

4.5 out of 10

REVIEW COMING SOON

Release Date: 27th January 2009 (DVD Premiere)

Director: Vito Rocco

Cast: Eddie Marsan, Ewen Bremner, Jessica Hynes-Stevenson, Paul Nicholls, Bronagh Gallagher, Anne Reid, Joseph Hamilton, Chloe Hesar, Richard Ridings, Gary Sefton, Sandra Voe with Tim Healy and Kevin Eldon

Writer: David Lemon

Trailer: FAINTHEART

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

  • Eddie Marsan: The Kaiser’s Last Kiss, Concussion, A Kind of Murder, Emperor (2015), Jungle Book – Origins (voice), Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell (TV),  X+Y, Still Life, God’s Pocket, Filth, The World’s EndI Anna, Snow White & The Huntsman, War Horse, Sherlock Holmes 1 & 2,TyrannosaurJunkheartsThe Disappearance Of Alice CreedHeartless, Hancock, Happy Go Lucky, Grown Your Own, Miami Vice Movie, 21 Grams, London Boulevard, The Illusionist (2007), Mission Impossible III,  The New World, Pierrepoint, Vera Drake, Gangster No.1, Gangs Of New York, The Bunker, Janice Beard 45wpm
  • Ewen Bremner: Porno, Banished (TV), Get Santa, Exodus – Gods and Kings, Snowpiercer,  Jack The Giant Slayer, Great Expectations (2012), Perfect Sense, Fool’s Gold, Hallam Foe, Death At a Funeral (2007), Match Point, Alien Vs. Predator, Around The World In 80 Days, Welcome To The Jungle, 16 Years Of Alcohol, Black Hawk Down, Pearl Harbour, Snatch, Julien Donkey Boy, The Acid House, Mojo, Trainspotting, Judge Dredd (1995), Naked, As You Like It (1992)
  • Jessica Hynes-Stevenson: Swallows and Amazons, Winter, W1A (TV), Pudsey The Dog, Nativity 2, Burke and Hare, Magicians, Son Of Rambow, Confetti, Bridget Jones 2, Pure, Spaced (TV), Born Romantic, Staying Alive (TV)
  • Paul Nicholls: Genesis, The C Word, Lake Placid 4, Life Just Is, Law & Order UK (TV), Bridget Jones 2, Goodbye Charlie Bright, The Clandestine Marriage, The Trench, Eastenders (TV)
  • Bronagh Gallagher: Shooting For Socrates, Grabbers, Albert Nobbs, Malice In WonderlandThe Big I Am, Last Chance Harvey, Botched, This Year’s Love, Pulp Fiction, The Committments
  • Anne Reid: Believe, Song For Marion, Last Tango In Halifax (TV), Cemetery Junction, Wallace & Gromit In Curse Of The Were-Rabbit (voice), Hot Fuzz, The Mother, Love and Death On Long Island, Coronation Street (TV)
  • Richard Ridings: Peppa Pig (voice) (TV), Rise of the Planet of the Apes (mo-cap), The Brothers Grimm (2005), Fat Friends (TV), Lara Croft – Tomb Raider 2, Joan of Arc (1999), Up n’ Under, Fierce Creatures, Erik The Viking, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, Billy The Kid and The Green Baize Vampire
  • Sandra Voe: Blood (2013), The Winter Guest, Breaking The Waves
  • Tim Healy: Benidorm (TV), Still Open All Hours (TV), United, Waterloo Road (TV), Coronation Street (TV), Auf Wierdesen Pet (TV), Purely Belter, The Grand (TV), Boys From The Bush (TV)
  • Kevin Eldon: The Comedians’ Guide To Survival, Danger Mouse (voice) (TV), Up All Night, Set Fire To The Stars, The Wedding Video, Hyperdrive (TV), Hot Fuzz, Nathan Barley (TV)

THREE AND OUT

4 out of 10

REVIEW COMING SOON

Release Date: 25th April 2008 (DVD Premiere)

Director: Jonathan Hershfield (Party Pieces)

Cast: Mackenzie Crook, Colm Meaney, Imelda Staunton, Gemma Arterton, Gary Lewis, Annette Badland, Mark Benton, Rhashan Stone, Sharon Duncan-Brewster with Kerry Katona and Anthony Sher

Writer: Steve Lewis & Tony Owen

Trailer: THREE AND OUT

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT PERSON IN BEFORE?

  • Mackenzie Crook: In Secret, Muppets Most Wanted, One Chance, Cheerful Weather For The Wedding, Game of Thrones (TV), Tintin (voice), Ironclad, Sex & Drugs & Rock-N-Roll, Solomon Kane, City of Ember, Pirates Of The Caribbean 3, I Want Candy, Pirates Of The Caribbean 2,  The Brothers Grimm, Churchill – The Hollywood Years, Finding Neverland, The Merchant Of Venice (2004), Sex Lives Of The Potato Men, Pirates Of The Caribbean, The Office (TV)
  • Colm Meaney: One Chance, A Belfast StoryAlan Partridge – Alpha PapaThe Hot Potato, The Cold Light Of Day, Bel Ami, Parked, Get Him To The Greek,  The Damned Utd, Intermission, This Is My Father, Claire Dolan, Con Air, The Road To Wellville, War Of The Buttons, The Committments, The Snapper, The Van, Star Trek – Deep Space 9 (TV), Under Siege, Into the West, The Last Of The Mohicans (1992), Far and Away, Die Hard 2
  • Imelda Staunton: Paddington (voice), Pride (2014), Maleficent, The Pirates! In An Adventure With Scientists (voice),  Another Year, The Awakening, Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows – Part 1, Harry Potter & The Order Of The Phoenix, Freedom Writers, Shadow Man,  Nanny McPhee,  Vera Drake,  Blackball, Chicken Run (voice), Remember Me,  Twelth Night (1996), Sense and Sensibility, Much Ado About Nothing(1993), Peter’s Friends
  • Gemma Arterton: Gemma Bovery, Voices, Runner Runner, Byzantium, Song For Marion, Hansel and Gretel- Witch Hunters, The Clash of The Titans (2010),The Disappearance Of Alice Creed,  James Bond- Quantum Of Solace, Tamara Drewe, Prince Of Persia, St Trinians 2, The Boat That Rocked, Rock-N-Rolla, St Trinians
  • Gary Lewis: Filth, Not Another Happy EndingWhen The Lights Went OutNeds, Goal 3, Valhalla Rising, Yasmin, Eragon, True North, Goal!, Ae Fond Kiss, Gangs Of New York, Shiner, Billy Eliiott, Gregory’s Girl 2, The Match, East Is East, Orphans, My Name Is Joe, My Name Is Joe
  • Annette Badland: Eastenders (TV), Mother’s Milk, Legacy – Black Ops, Cutting It (TV), Dr Who (TV), Valiant (voice), Club Le Monde, Honest, Little Voice, 24-7 – Twentyfourseven, Hollow Reed, Angels and Insects, Captives, Beyond Bedlam, Anchoress, Making Out (TV), Bergerac (TV), Jabberwocky
  • Mark Benton: The Devil Went Down To Islington, Waterloo Road (TV), Breaking and Entering, Booze Cruise 3 (TV), Booze Cruise 2 (TV), Early Doors (TV), The Booze Cruise (TV), Mr In-Between, Topsy Turvy, The Lost Son, The Sea Change, Career Girls, Boon (TV)
  • Rhashan Stone: The Bill (TV), Desmonds (TV)
  • Kerry Katona: Celebrity Big Brother (TV), This Morning (TV), Dancing On Ice (TV), Loose Women (TV), Kerry Katona – The Next Chapter (TV)
  • Anthony Sher: War Book, Churchill – The Hollywood Years, The Miracle Maker (voice), Shakespeare In Love, Alive and Kicking (1996), Wind In The Willows (1995), The Young Poisoner’s Handbook, Erik The Viking

ZOMBIE WOMEN OF SATAN

2 out of 10

REVIEW COMING SOON

Release Date: 31st August 2009 (DVD Premiere)

Director: Steve O’Brien and Warren Speed

Cast: Victoria Hopkins, Warren Speed, Christian Steel, Bill Fellows, Seymour Mace, Kate Soulsby, Peter Bonner, Marysia Kay, Gillian Settle, Kathy Paul, Joe Nicholson and Victoria Broom

Writer: Steve O’Brien and Warren Speed

Trailer: ZOMBIE WOMEN OF SATAN

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

CASH AND CURRY

3.5 out of 10

Release Date: 19th July 2010 (DVD Premiere)

Director: Sarjit Bains (Triads, Yardies and Onion Bhajees)

Cast: Ameet Chana, Ronny Jhutti, Pooja Shah, Manish Patel, Laurence Stevenson, Peter Peralta, Lee Latchford-Evans, Brian Jackson, Prem Modgil, Richard Angol with Jonathan Hansler and Jamie Bannerman

Writer: Christine Edwards & Manish Patel

Trailer: CASH AND CURRY

Unknown-2The most inventive aspect of this dumb addition to the London gangster flick is its title Cash and Curry. Operating on a budget that wouldn’t even buy a curry flavour Pot Noodle our friends from Triads, Yardies and Onion Bhajees and Full English Breakfast have assembled one of the most witless heist movies I’ve ever seen. Strangely watchable despite of it’s lazy plotting, clip-on double-cross twists, at least its lively. The cast all put in spirited performances so Cash and Curry elevates its status due to it’s ‘have a go’ cast. The lead trio (AMEET CHANA, RONNY JHUTTI, POOJA SHAH) look like they’re having a great time, so much fun that they fail to notice the rotten lines and over cooked plot.

Three low-level criminals decide to run off with their boss Gabbar’s (MANJIT PATEL – FULL ENGLISH BREAKFAST) money whilst trying to pin it on a rival drug baron, Isaac (LAURENCE STEVENSON). They scarper to the countryside (well their idea of the countryside – Barnet?) and wait for the shit to hit the fan. Hiding out with a bunch of well-connected criminal pals lead by Peter Peralta (TRIADS, YARDIES & ONION BHAJEES) is far from brainy though and their presence gets sussed within 10 minutes leading to a farm yard shoot out to end all low-budget shoot outs.

The trouble with Cash and Curry is that the makers think they’ve made a really nifty, witty and sharp little caper movie. They’ve failed. The characters get away plan wouldn’t even look inspired in a comedy and all three of the leads are majorly stupid. The film seems to say ‘why work hard for a living when you can steal off hard working criminals?’ These heroes are one-dimensional, greedy dick heads who have mistaken a life of crime for something more honourable. On the technical side, it’s a largely a point and shoot affair with some dated (well it was released 4/5  years ago) special effects during some endless montages. The script is very poor and even attempts to address what it’s like being an second generation Asian in England but doesn’t give any real insight, so why is it here? Wrong film because it just comes across as ill thought out ‘daily mail’ style rhetoric. Even the presence of a comedy NF thug called Tarquin as one of the villains (JAMIE BANNERMAN – FULL ENGLISH BREAKFAST) highlights the intellect of the makers.

This is still an easier watch than Triads and Full English Breakfast and could be considered a comedy by the most undemanding of viewer but all in all this is tepid and lazy.

3.5 out of 10 – Watery for a curry.

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

COLD AND DARK

2 out of 10

Release Date: 14th June 2005

Director: Andrew Goth (Gallowwalkers)

Cast: Luke Goss, Kevin Howarth, Matt Lucas, Carly Jane Turnbull, David Baker, Carrie Clark, Jake Curran and David Gant

Writer: Joanne Reay

Trailer: COLD AND DARK

1422545_755647314473233_3028191104595137343_nHere’s a first – a buddy cop horror set in Falmouth and St Agnes in North Cornwall. Andrew Goth director of the unusually flashy yet muddled Gallowwalkers cut his horror teeth on this weird yet far from wonderful movie. It begins like a tepid buddy cop movie in the Hollywood mould of good cop and wild cop on the trail of evil Cornish people smugglers and then turns into a horror (comedy?) that aspires to be an update of  early 90s Brit-pic Split Second. Luke Goss (INTERVIEW WITH A HITMAN) is John Dark, the nice cop and Kevin Howarth (SUMMER SCARS) is Mortimer Shade, the odd one. Near the beginning Shade gets turned into a monster inside a fridge and goes about using his new form as an excuse to kill all the bad guys. Dark seems to like this but what happens when there’s no bad guys left to kill? Who will Shade turn into his next bed time snack.

Ludicrous plot turns and gaps in production continuity render huge parts of Cold and Dark incomprehensible. The makers seems to have used choral music and slow motion to pave over the cracks in the narrative just because they look and sound cool. Later on Matt Lucas’ (BRIDESMAIDS) MI-5 Fox Mulder alike turns up with some long overdue explanations as to what is happening. But this is where the film turns into a comedy!? I was giving up trying to keep up with events at this pout and tried to spot familiar places in Cornwall or admire the work that went into the lo-fi gory effects.

The performances were wildly erratic across the board from the wooden – hello Carly Jane Turnbull, to the theatrical ham to the power of 1000+ David Gant (OUTPOST 2) (putting in the strangest performance I’ve ever seen in a Britpic – worth a look maybe?) The script has huge gaps and what remains is tin eared and nonsensical. I did like one exchange in which Shade explains “It’s how you wear it,” when Dark compliments him on how well he suits the whole demonic possession thing. A brilliant line in a rear underpants explosion of a thriller/comedy/horror. Anything in which our hero shares bananas with his giant dog in the bath has to have been made by deluded loonies. And like my companion asks below, what the fuck happened to the dog?

2 out of 10 – Too weird to have been this way by design. Unusual but very, very trying. Gallowwalkers is way better.

Review Below by Joe Pesci II aka Matt Usher

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

ISOLATION

Irish Film

6.5 out of 10

REVIEW COMING SOON

Release Date: 22nd April 2006

Director: Billy O’Brien (Scintilla)

Cast: John Lynch, Essie Davis, Marcel Iures, Sean Harris, Ruth Negga and Stanley Townsend

Writer: Billy O’Brien

Trailer: ISOLATION

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

  • John Lynch: ScintillaPrivate PeacefulThe Hot PotatoGhosted13HRsBlack DeathThe Tournament, Sliding Doors, Best, This Is The Sea, Some Mother’s Son, Moll Flanders (1996),  Nothing Personal, The Secret Of Roan Inish, Angel Baby, The Secret Garden (1993), In The Name Of The Father, Princess Caraboo, Edward II, Hardware, Cal
  • Essie Davis: Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries (TV), The Babadook, The Slap (TV), Cloud Street (TV), Legend of the Guardians – The Owls of Ga’Hoole (voice), Australia, The Matrix 3, Code 46, The Girl With The Pearl Earring, The Matrix 2, The Custodian
  • Marcel Iures: Bunraku, Youth Without Youth, Pirates of the Caribbean 3, Goal, The Cave, Layer Cake, Hart’s War, The Peacemaker, Mission Impossible
  • Sean Harris: Trespass Against Us, Macbeth (2015), Mission Impossible 5, The Goob, ’71, Deliver Us From Evil, Serena, The Borgias (TV), Prometheus, Brighton Rock (2011),  A Lonely Place To Die, Creep, Harry Brown, 24 Hour Party People, Outlaw, Brothers Of The Head, Trauma
  • Ruth Negga: Agents of SHIELD (TV), Jimi – All Is By My Side, Misfits (TV), Breakfast On Pluto
  • Stanley Townsend: The Voices, 24 (TV), One Chance, Killing Bono, Cars 2 (voice), Happy Go Lucky, The Libertine, Suzie Gold, Wondrous Oblivion